Anonymous wrote:Stay out of this

OP was out of it.. until sister-in-law looped her in.

Unless she specifically asks for intervention, stay out of it. Otherwise, be a good listener and offer advice but that’s it.

Your brother is allowed to mess this up.

Agree you could follow up with sil and ask if there’s any way you can help her. But I’d prefer if you helped her generally, befriended her, rather than ‘fix’ their life.

She needs to tell him all this herself

Just say positive things about the wife to your brother

I wouldn’t relay any messages. There is too much risk that it can be seen as you taking sides or gossiping. If what your SIL says is true, your younger brother might feel defensive and more focused on how he heard about it etc, than the actual issue.

If the SIL actually looming for help/backup, I would have encouraged her to come up with an approach to speak up for herself. If she feels taken for granted what are actions she can take to change the situation? I’m sure if she came to DCUM asking for advice, she would get plenty, and none would say “talk to your SIL to talk to her older brother to talk to your husband about behavior”. It would be either counseling if at that level or good faith efforts to communicate directly to understand the other person's perspective, talk about your own, and work out some middle ground.

Stay out of this

Anonymous wrote:Ask SIL if she saw this as venting/confiding or if she was looking for help/backup. Check with her before going to brother because you’re going to have to say something like “SIL mentioned X, and that seems like a real problem to me, what do you think?” Or “SIL mentioned X, and just so you know, if that was me I’d dump your ass before having kids with you.” I mean, it’s going to be hard to tell him without it being clear she told you, so I think you should ask her if she’s ok with that. Otherwise it might be better coming from older brother. Then everyone’s gossiping rather than just you very obviously breaking a confidence.

This is good advice.

I wouldn't say anything. The person that needs to say something to him is her. They need to learn how to communicate and work this out themselves.

If he is confronted by either you or your brother, whether they work through this or not, it could damage your relationship with him.

Ask SIL if she saw this as venting/confiding or if she was looking for help/backup. Check with her before going to brother because you’re going to have to say something like “SIL mentioned X, and that seems like a real problem to me, what do you think?” Or “SIL mentioned X, and just so you know, if that was me I’d dump your ass before having kids with you.” I mean, it’s going to be hard to tell him without it being clear she told you, so I think you should ask her if she’s ok with that. Otherwise it might be better coming from older brother. Then everyone’s gossiping rather than just you very obviously breaking a confidence.

I’d go the older brother route. If he’s not great at this type of stuff, prep him. He shouldn’t be direct, more along the lines of hows it going, your wife is great, highlight instances where she goes above and beyond, how communication is the key, does he share things with her....

I'd see if your older brother can talk to him.

Anonymous wrote:Myob

Her sister-in-law came to her and made it her business. This modern 'don't talk to anyone about anything' is nonsense.

Secretive?

Myob

Is it any use to call him [youngest brother] out or should I relay message to our oldest brother to intervene or just leave it alone? I just don’t want to stoke drama in their house because he has no idea some of the things she disclosed. No, he’s not cheating. But my brother did marry well and he’s immature and secretive and golfs way too damn much.

Note: I’m 1 of 3 siblings, the only girl. Youngest brother is taking his amazing wife (literally the sweetest girl ever) for granted. No kids yet, I could see her dumping him if he doesn’t straighten up. But again, tricky to dive into without him knowing she told me things. And probably not as effective as if it came from oldest brother?