Anonymous wrote:OP, you probably don't want to hear this, but the family situation you describe here--nasty divorce, one permissive parent and one authoritarian parent--accounts for about a third of the young women at the residential treatment center from which my DD recently graduated. Why? The inconsistency in parenting, the disruptions in attachment, the sense that decisions are being made without input--all of those things contribute to a lack of felt safety in the world.

I had the same observation about the RTC my son just graduated from. OP, you may want to try counseling if you aren’t already there with your daughter. Things can get a lot worse than what you’re experiencing now.

Anonymous wrote:“I think there is a big overlap between girls who don't feel unconditionally loved by dad and girls who don't have good boundaries with boyfriends.”

NP here. This is a profound message from a previous poster. This was me. If you don’t know that your parents love you unconditionally then you will not have good boundaries with boyfriends. I will go further and say that you will likely end up becoming dependent on them.

This. This. THIS OP.

You need to show your daughter that you are more than her authoritarian figure (b/c that is how she sees you right now and BF is her REFUGE from you). And I say this with kindness in my heart b/c you are "right" about all that you are thinking and disapproving of. You are right, OP.
But being right is no the point here. What IS the point is that your DD is at an age where she will seek love and acceptance through the path of least resistance.
Invite her out to dinner...just the two of you. Spend time with her. Talk to her (don't lecture or advise) about who she wants to be, what goals she has, what are her interests. Tell her you admire this or that about her. Again, don't lecture or advise. Just shower her with some attention and praise that doesn't at all revolve around her poor decisions or anything about the boyfriend. She will start to value this time and attention with her dad and it's possible that this will influence her choices far more than negative consequences will.

“I think there is a big overlap between girls who don't feel unconditionally loved by dad and girls who don't have good boundaries with boyfriends.”

NP here. This is a profound message from a previous poster. This was me. If you don’t know that your parents love you unconditionally then you will not have good boundaries with boyfriends. I will go further and say that you will likely end up becoming dependent on them.

OP, you probably don't want to hear this, but the family situation you describe here--nasty divorce, one permissive parent and one authoritarian parent--accounts for about a third of the young women at the residential treatment center from which my DD recently graduated. Why? The inconsistency in parenting, the disruptions in attachment, the sense that decisions are being made without input--all of those things contribute to a lack of felt safety in the world.

I know you are just looking for book recommendations, but more than books, I would ask you to consider family therapy, which you could do without your ex if need be.

Anonymous wrote:As someone whose sister was a lot like your younger daughter, I actually think your wife's approach might be closer to the right way. At 14, your DD is going to do what she wants, pretty much. Talking to her about real-life consequences and keeping those parent-child lines of communication open will be, in the long run, WAY more effective than punishing and prohibiting.

I believe you that your wife is too permissive. But you may also be too autocratic. Really good therapy might help, but I at least recommend some serious self-reflection and some warm, open-minded communication with your daughter.

I see nothing wrong with you taking DD to see a doctor about birth control IF that's what your daughter wants. Please don't think you'll be able to march her in there and demand it.

+1 for all of the above. I think there is a big overlap between girls who don't feel unconditionally loved by dad and girls who don't have good boundaries with boyfriends. I think you have to be really careful that you aren't overcompensating for your wife's permissiveness. One authoritarian parent + one permissive parent /= solid parenting.

I'm trying to think of good YA lit on this topic-I feel like I've read a lot of these books, but I'm having trouble thinking of titles. If you are fb, Kid's books for a better world is a group that always has tons of suggestions for books on specific topics. Even a series like the Hunger Games emphasizes putting your responsibilities before relationships. Is she involved in activities/sports? Supporting her to get more involved might be a good way to limit time with the BF without forbidding her to spend time with him.

PS: My sister ran away multiple times. It was heart-breakingly difficult for my whole family. Happily, all turned out well in the end. But I think both she and my mom would tell you that they wish they'd been better at talking to each other back then. My mom is full of parenting regrets.

As someone whose sister was a lot like your younger daughter, I actually think your wife's approach might be closer to the right way. At 14, your DD is going to do what she wants, pretty much. Talking to her about real-life consequences and keeping those parent-child lines of communication open will be, in the long run, WAY more effective than punishing and prohibiting.

I believe you that your wife is too permissive. But you may also be too autocratic. Really good therapy might help, but I at least recommend some serious self-reflection and some warm, open-minded communication with your daughter.

I see nothing wrong with you taking DD to see a doctor about birth control IF that's what your daughter wants. Please don't think you'll be able to march her in there and demand it.

Long story short:

Wife had affair. Divorce contentious. Older kid discovered affair, disowned mother. Younger kid doesn't know about it. Wife has decided to try to be younger kid's "friend" more than parent and has become the more permissive parent (i.e., the parent younger kid seeks out when she wants permission for something and she's afraid I'll say no). It's not a good dynamic. Wife was always a pushover anyway and kids know she wouldn't hold her ground on things and would always prefer to lecture rather than simply mete out a consequence, whereas I'm more likely to just punish and move on. (i.e., kid breaks curfew. My solution: You're grounded the rest of the weekend. Wife's solution: Lengthy lecture about how that's dangerous. Kid gets caught going into the woods with other kids, including boyfriend, who drop marijuana and run when approached by the cops. My solution: No phone, social life for a month, drug testing, tell kid she should break up with boyfriend who literally left her holding the bag and sitting in the back of a cop car. Wife's solution: Lengthy lecture about she'd better have learned her lesson from sitting in a cop car).

So, the latest thing is younger DD (14) seems to be putting this boyfriend before everything. Her grades have dropped (due to lack of effort, according to teachers) and she is concocting reasons to go to her BF's house after school (or her friend's house, who lives three blocks from BF). Yesterday it was "I missed the bus" -- and she called wife, who of course said, yes, go. Didn't tell me so I had no idea where she was when she didn't come home (I work at home). Well, I had *some* idea. But...

Obviously, a lot to unpack here. The nastiness of the divorce makes communication about co-parenting difficult, and I will not go to see a therapist with the ex about this since she bald-faced lied to our therapist when we were in marriage counseling. But, I've made it pretty clear that it's time to get DD on some form of birth control since I sadly don't trust her judgment when it comes to things like having sex with the BF. But more to the point, I need some kind of show/book whatever to have DD watch where the theme is about NOT making a teenage boyfriend the center of your life to the point where you put him before other things, namely school. Because that, I'm afraid, is what's happening. Yes, I've had that conversation with her, but I get the eyeroll.

Any suggestions on that?

Also, if my wife won't cooperate with the birth control, how out of line would it be for ME to take her to the doctor about this? Let the doctor talk to her?

She tested clean on the 3-month drug test, btw. (The hair one).