I had a good friend who was a surgeon in a small town where I took my first job. It was a tiny hospital with only two surgeons, so he was already on call every other night. But even on the days his partner was in call, he was often hanging out in the physicians lounge or trolling the ED looking for potential patients. His wife was a lawyer in the “city” about 40 miles away.
I am not sure who raised their kids, but three of the five are young adults now, and they did not turn out well.

Being home is such a slog. I spend 90% of my time either getting kids fed or napped/put to bed. All nice times are spent having to travel to relatives and I often feel like I never get nice alone time with my family.

OP here. I, and I think a lot of folks here, know the difference between working late to catch up on something, vs working to avoid being home. I've had to work many evenings and on travel to get things done. I work most evenings, to some degree. I guess I get frustrated when I know for a fact some folks are manufacturing work for some reason, and I'm guessing it's to avoid being home. I try very hard to balance work and home life, and I really like my home life. I don't want to miss anything unless I have to. I get frustrated when people I work with create work issues that I then have to deal with, that are unnecessary. I'm trying to figure out why they do this. Also, I have a couple friends where one spouse always seems to have something going on and the other picks up the childcare/household slack a lot. I feel bad for the spouse that does the bulk of the work. Not my business, I know, but I still feel bad for them.

I have a son with mental illness. Work is my sane place. This thread is making me feel like even NT kids can be pretty tough too. Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:I was working in my office one weekend and ran into a woman who had just had twins two weeks prior who was "working". Parenthood can be scary, and not everyone has experience with kids. So if you have a good nanny....

Why do you assume she was faking it? I went into labor over a week early, and my son was in NICU for a week so I went into the office one day to wrap up some important business. I've also come into the office to use the hospital-grade breastpump some days. Maybe she came in on a weekend because she had help at home and was able to come in for a few hours?

Definitely not. But I am a fed and I think a lot of us came here from consulting or academia after we had kids because it's less of a stay-late-and-take-work-home culture. The academics I know do get a lot more flexibility to deal with child care and don't just have to park their kids in day care 45 hours a week like we do, but on the other hand, they work a lot to catch up on nights and weekends.

Yes two family members, both moms.

One decided she was "bored" on weekends after having her second baby in three years, so began a side business that she did on weekends as a break from her 9-5 job. DH exhausted by new arrangement as he did all the weekend childcare. They're now divorced.

Another very much keeps score and expects that childcare will be exactly and precisely even, down to travel and one on one time with each child. Runs a business solo and has incrementally taken more and more business trips, for longer and further away becasie that's what her DH does. Also fills any downtime with long distance running and training, solo.

I do this. I try to schedule a businss trip once every 2 months, and it's usually about 3 days. I can always come up with clients I could meet face to face with, or a conference to attend. I'm a super-involved parent when I'm home, but I just need a break sometimes.

I can't say that's my experience, but my friends and I are in the early years so early on in our parenting lives, so maybe that changes. I'm in the DC area and definitely in a very career oriented friend crowd for both moms and dads, but I've seen the opposite. Everyone trying to find every way they can keep their career going while paring down so they can get home early to be with their kid/s.

So many lawyers in my biglaw firm waste so much time, mostly to avoid being at home.

Military wife and I know guys who used to volunteer for extra deployments when their houses were full of toddlers. Apparently six months in Bosnia beat changing diapers. There was one guy in particular who never told his wife that he was volunteering for this stuff. The rest of us felt really conflicted because we really wanted to tell her. No idea if she ever found out.

I had twins. I relished every moment I had at work when they were babies. I also used to dream of going to prison so I could be alone with a book in a room. It was NOT an easy time.

Anyhow, maybe you should ask them before assuming anything? Perhaps they are trying to get their husbands to step up by being at work, perhaps the work is actually needed, or perhaps they are spending time managing bills and other household tasks from the peace and quiet of the office...

Well in my family's case, DH is leaning in and I'm leaning out. It was a choice we made (DH has more potential earning power, I have an easier, well paid job). He's not trying to avoid the grunt work. This is just America in 2019. There's no requirement that companies pay employees for working more than 40 hours and so many jobs require late nights, weekends, and lots of travel.

I was working in my office one weekend and ran into a woman who had just had twins two weeks prior who was "working". Parenthood can be scary, and not everyone has experience with kids. So if you have a good nanny....

I notice this more and more among my friends. Are others seeing this? I have some friends that absolutely throw themselves into their work, work a lot of overtime, travel a lot for work, etc., even when it is not necessary (won't help get a promotion, no billable hours, etc). I know the crazy work life is not necessary because I work in the same field. I'm wondering why they do this, and it occurred to me that it may be a way to escape the daily grudge work of parenting, running a household, etc. I see this more in the DC area than where I'm originally from (out west). I don't notice it nearly as much in my hometown. Is it a DC thing?