Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 08:24     Subject: Re:What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
It sounds to me like he is being unreasonable. He screwed up and has to serve time in jail. That is not your mistake. You should not have to suffer for his mistake any more then you currently are. I would suggest Monday and Tuesday and that is it, especially if there are concerns about his ability to make sure the child is ready for school.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2019 07:56     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, either Dad gets kid on the weekday or you have a court battle and take away visitation and custody. What are your options? You give him a few days a week and be decent about it. You need him to work for child support.


I don’t need the CS. It is very, very low and paid inconsistently. I accept it only because the state doesn’t allow it to be waived and uses a preset formula.

I do need happy DC and my ex to not be homeless or angry. TBH, I’d be lucky to have every weekend with DC, but have trepidation about the impact on school.


Give him two nights a week - Sunday and another night or what ever and be done with it. You send food and what he needs to dad's house. Its almost the end of the school year so what would it look like in the summer?


That would be doable, but he says he cannot do Sun nights. He would be released in the late evening, have to travel from the jail to his home in another county, drive his car to pick up his pets from boarding, etc. and won’t be settled until around 10 PM. He says 4 school nights is the equivalent of EOW since his time would be interrupted by school and work. This seems inequitable. Which is why I asked what no weekends looked like for other parents.

The summer is less of an issue, except his inability to travel out of state for camp pickup or drop off.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 21:44     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, either Dad gets kid on the weekday or you have a court battle and take away visitation and custody. What are your options? You give him a few days a week and be decent about it. You need him to work for child support.


I don’t need the CS. It is very, very low and paid inconsistently. I accept it only because the state doesn’t allow it to be waived and uses a preset formula.

I do need happy DC and my ex to not be homeless or angry. TBH, I’d be lucky to have every weekend with DC, but have trepidation about the impact on school.


Give him two nights a week - Sunday and another night or what ever and be done with it. You send food and what he needs to dad's house. Its almost the end of the school year so what would it look like in the summer?
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 21:37     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
How old is your kid? How long will this last? Once the sentence is over, will you go back yo 1 midweek night and EOW?
Honestly, if your kid is in ES, homework doesn’t really matter. Whatever your kid can manage is fine. If it’s MS, all you need to do is pass. Are you worried about Bs and Cs instead of As and Bs? It doesn’t really matter and then only for college admission. If you’re worried in MS that DC will fail, that’s different....
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 18:13     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Hell no. You’re going to give up the week nights with your kid so your jail bound husband gets to spend that time with them? Eff no. Your kid deserves a ton better.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 17:30     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:So, either Dad gets kid on the weekday or you have a court battle and take away visitation and custody. What are your options? You give him a few days a week and be decent about it. You need him to work for child support.


I don’t need the CS. It is very, very low and paid inconsistently. I accept it only because the state doesn’t allow it to be waived and uses a preset formula.

I do need happy DC and my ex to not be homeless or angry. TBH, I’d be lucky to have every weekend with DC, but have trepidation about the impact on school.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 17:28     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?


He may have the option to serve jail sentence on weekends only. This would allow him to work. He is proposing only weeknights.


I share custody of my 9yo with her dad, who only sees her on the weekends because he is not available during the week. He picks her up from school most Fridays and drops her off with me Sunday after dinner. So as an arrangement, it helps minimize certain things (e.g., leaving stuff at non-custodial parent's house that is needed for school, transition difficulties). However, it requires me to be 100% of the time the taskmaster about homework and such. It means that we almost never get weekends together for weekend activities. It means that my ex does not have to think about things like snow days or school breaks beyond extending his already fun time with DD. But it is the way that they get to have a real relationship. Without this arrangement, he would basically only see her during the summer and winter break.

In your situation, I would want to know how he will manage the day to day activities for your child(ren). Is he a person who will make sure that they have the necessary school things? Will they bathe regularly and show up to school in clean clothing? Will he be on time to drop them off at school and pick them up? If a parent is not used to the weekday routine, it can be challenging to jump right into. Not all parents do it well. I also note that you're talking about a person contemplating changing a custody arrangement to accommodate jail, so I assume a baseline level of irresponsibility that would give me pause, but since you didn't give the specific circumstance, I suppose it's premature to judge.


Thank you. The school night duties were never his strength. It would mean shifting responsibilities onto DC.

I feel like my refusal will be interpreted as you made Daddy stay in jail and lose a good job.


Let him have school nights. Your DC can handle school night duties - unless they're 5 in which case school night duties are light/don't matter much. The kid/s will be fine.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 17:25     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?


He may have the option to serve jail sentence on weekends only. This would allow him to work. He is proposing only weeknights.


I share custody of my 9yo with her dad, who only sees her on the weekends because he is not available during the week. He picks her up from school most Fridays and drops her off with me Sunday after dinner. So as an arrangement, it helps minimize certain things (e.g., leaving stuff at non-custodial parent's house that is needed for school, transition difficulties). However, it requires me to be 100% of the time the taskmaster about homework and such. It means that we almost never get weekends together for weekend activities. It means that my ex does not have to think about things like snow days or school breaks beyond extending his already fun time with DD. But it is the way that they get to have a real relationship. Without this arrangement, he would basically only see her during the summer and winter break.

In your situation, I would want to know how he will manage the day to day activities for your child(ren). Is he a person who will make sure that they have the necessary school things? Will they bathe regularly and show up to school in clean clothing? Will he be on time to drop them off at school and pick them up? If a parent is not used to the weekday routine, it can be challenging to jump right into. Not all parents do it well. I also note that you're talking about a person contemplating changing a custody arrangement to accommodate jail, so I assume a baseline level of irresponsibility that would give me pause, but since you didn't give the specific circumstance, I suppose it's premature to judge.


Thank you. The school night duties were never his strength. It would mean shifting responsibilities onto DC.

I feel like my refusal will be interpreted as you made Daddy stay in jail and lose a good job.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 17:23     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
So, either Dad gets kid on the weekday or you have a court battle and take away visitation and custody. What are your options? You give him a few days a week and be decent about it. You need him to work for child support.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 17:22     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?


He may have the option to serve jail sentence on weekends only. This would allow him to work. He is proposing only weeknights.


What are the alternatives? A shorter but more condensed sentence, during which you'd have your kids 100% of the time?


Yes. That was the original plan. However, my ex lost his job as a result of the charges, but received a job offer from an old friend. Initially, the offer was supposed to kick in after his release, but the friend decided he needs my ex right away or he can’t hold the position.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 13:21     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?


He may have the option to serve jail sentence on weekends only. This would allow him to work. He is proposing only weeknights.


I share custody of my 9yo with her dad, who only sees her on the weekends because he is not available during the week. He picks her up from school most Fridays and drops her off with me Sunday after dinner. So as an arrangement, it helps minimize certain things (e.g., leaving stuff at non-custodial parent's house that is needed for school, transition difficulties). However, it requires me to be 100% of the time the taskmaster about homework and such. It means that we almost never get weekends together for weekend activities. It means that my ex does not have to think about things like snow days or school breaks beyond extending his already fun time with DD. But it is the way that they get to have a real relationship. Without this arrangement, he would basically only see her during the summer and winter break.

In your situation, I would want to know how he will manage the day to day activities for your child(ren). Is he a person who will make sure that they have the necessary school things? Will they bathe regularly and show up to school in clean clothing? Will he be on time to drop them off at school and pick them up? If a parent is not used to the weekday routine, it can be challenging to jump right into. Not all parents do it well. I also note that you're talking about a person contemplating changing a custody arrangement to accommodate jail, so I assume a baseline level of irresponsibility that would give me pause, but since you didn't give the specific circumstance, I suppose it's premature to judge.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 13:19     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?


He may have the option to serve jail sentence on weekends only. This would allow him to work. He is proposing only weeknights.


What are the alternatives? A shorter but more condensed sentence, during which you'd have your kids 100% of the time?
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 13:04     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Anonymous wrote:Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?


He may have the option to serve jail sentence on weekends only. This would allow him to work. He is proposing only weeknights.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2019 10:25     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Why is every other weekend not being brought to the table? What is the proposed schedule? Weeknights only?
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2019 18:41     Subject: What would this look like? Pros and Cons?
Does anyone have primary custody, but their coparent never has the kids on the weekend except coinciding major holidays? FWIW, this is not what I want to do, but it is on the table as a modification from years of EOW plus midweek dinner. Trying to keep the dad in the picture without losing my sanity.