Anonymous wrote:You guys are all missing the point. OP wants to spend money on something, for some reason her husband disagrees, and sosges turning this into something about her monetary value as a SAHM. We don’t even know what she wants to buy.

Please specify what was said in the op that leads you to come to this conclusion.

You guys are all missing the point. OP wants to spend money on something, for some reason her husband disagrees, and sosges turning this into something about her monetary value as a SAHM. We don’t even know what she wants to buy.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve worked part time on and off, but been mostly a SAHM and now wife for 30 years. I feel zero need to justify our decision. My self- worth is not tied to a paycheck.

This. And also my time and sanity is valuable to my family. I know I'm a better wife and mom and a happier person without the stress of a full-time job and I'm grateful to have a husband with a good job who supports that this is what works best for our family and who joins me in my willingness to trade off the monetary benefits of being a double income family for the benefits of my being a SAHM.

Doesn't work for everyone, I realize. But I'm happy it works for us.

This is such a strange thread. Of course your role as a SAHM has monetary value to your household (in addition to other more intangible benefits) because if you went back to work full time, you would need to pay someone to fulfill your role as childcare provider at the very minimum. And for some households, you would need to also add on housekeeping, $ spent on commuter gas and wear-and-tear on car, money spent on career wardrobe, eating lunches out, lost time on weekends for shopping/laundry, etc. depending on how you do division of labor to tackle household tasks that you may have previously covered alone in your role as a SAHM.

I’ve worked part time on and off, but been mostly a SAHM and now wife for 30 years. I feel zero need to justify our decision. My self- worth is not tied to a paycheck.

I did a search for that phrase, but it's just too common on here to find. I agree with pp, this is not a great place to get support as a sahm. Every single thread on the subject devolves into a miserable pointless back-and-forth pit of ridiculousness.

Love yourself, do what you think is right for your family, and stay out of the vipers den. I've been a sah and PT wah. They all have their advantages and disadvantages. Don't let other people's issues get into your head.

I don't think you'll find much help here. This kind of post is like catnip to bitter people. If you don't feel your worth go back to a paid employment and pay a nanny to cover the hours you need so you'll feel better. If that sounds miserable and you would feel more worth doing the home stuff and always present for the kid stuff then do that without justification. Just be glad you have an option at all!!

I don't judge people who sahm or work but I find those who unhappily question their choices so tedious because it implies there is a right/wrong across the board choice and every couple/single/lifestyle/ambition/desire and income dynamic is different. Proclaiming the motive for what is best for you only comes off as a judgment on others, inviting attacks.

Maybe if there was a sahm only forum this type of thread could be productive otherwise you won't have luck.

Anonymous wrote:There are so many smart people on here. Awhile back I came across a post that completely changed the way I viewed myself as a sahm. Prior to that I seriously thought that because my DH was working that I truly was responsible for everything else. Any issue with money came back to some comment about, "well if you went back to work then xyz..." I was not "working" and not bringing in money. But one day I read some smart person's comment on here who spoke about "family money" and this concept that the sahm is contributing to it by way of everything she does...Does anyone know the link to that thread? It would help me and also a friend of mine.

I've always figured that a SAHM "makes" whatever would be paid for childcare plus other things such as cleaning, etc. that she does. The family is literally saving that amount of money. Personally, I don't put a price on the time spent with kids other than what you're saving to not pay someone else to do it because there's just no way to do that. So if a nanny and maid would cost you $75K a year, the SAHM is basically making that amount. I'm ignoring the fact the SAHM probably isn't contributing to a retirement account, so of course you could make arguments against this, but that's how I've usually seen it. Also, even if two parents work, I think all money is family money, even if you may have separate accounts. If you want to have separate funds, then the working spouse needs to give the stay at home spouse money when they get their paycheck. Otherwise everything goes into the joint pot.

Really? I have been both and I do not think that my children are listened to by me less as a working mom. The main thing is that the family isn’t as hectic when I am not working out of the house. That can be worth a whole lot, which is hard to pay outside people for.

So sorry for many typos. I’m rushing bc again I’m kid free. (Was killing a few of minutes, waiting for imminent grocery delivery)

Sahm here. 7 years, with some part time work in the first 3-4.

First: before my status as a sahm, I am a mom. Priceless worth all of us moms have: the caring mind and hear the to listen and help our kids. Last night after bath my oldest dd just wanted to talk. She vented out some problems she had with her day. We talked about them and talked about good things hat happened in the day too. She wants to spend more one on one time with me, and feels other people get that fork me, but not her. (It’s not true, but it’s alright for her to feel that way). The talking was priceless. We can all technically outsource caring about their nutrition (good nanny) their progress (good nanny, coaches and teachers), their feelings (counselor). But I’m the only one that will pray about them as hard as I do. Or hurt their feelings enough to *make* them learn how to clean up after themselves. Or own their favorite pet for them. Or talk with them about the big stuff.

So we all do that. Again while it’s priceless, it’s also $0 because there’s no one you can really pay to care about them as much.

As a sahm, I would be easily replaceable. Cleaners, doctors, babysitters, nutritionist, nanny, pet sitter and walker, swim instructor, laundromat, camp director, church teacher, hair stylist.

Obviously, I do outsource some of that, such as hair stylist. And while I’m an assistant coach, we do have a head coach and a team. Swim instructor and I split the duties, technically.

Wohms outsource more of the above, but not all of it and not all the time.

We’re all on a scale of what we take care of on our own and what we share with a partner or extended family. And what we pay others to do. That has monetary value, and is the only one you can put a literal price tag on ... maybe Part 2 of my thoughts are coming on that.

However, right now I’m kid free for 2 hours (for the first time in a long time), so bye.

What do you want to buy?

Anonymous wrote:If you need to justify your worth and existence as a SAHM (which was presumably a decision you both arrived at) with an internet thread I think your marriage has greater problems

Traditionally in our culture our worth has been associated with achievements, awards, degrees, jobs and then when you take that all away even as a agreed upon choice, you do have to rethink and at times fight for your worth sometimes.

If you need to justify your worth and existence as a SAHM (which was presumably a decision you both arrived at) with an internet thread I think your marriage has greater problems

There are so many smart people on here. Awhile back I came across a post that completely changed the way I viewed myself as a sahm. Prior to that I seriously thought that because my DH was working that I truly was responsible for everything else. Any issue with money came back to some comment about, "well if you went back to work then xyz..." I was not "working" and not bringing in money. But one day I read some smart person's comment on here who spoke about "family money" and this concept that the sahm is contributing to it by way of everything she does...Does anyone know the link to that thread? It would help me and also a friend of mine.