i posted in another thread, i've not only lost myself, i don't exist really. i get it. my one year old doesn't sleep, has never slept through the night, gets rocked to naps, and wants to always be moving or playing, i wear the same pants and shirt, i barely get through work, i dread the nights, i dread the exhaustion of the morning, i dread the day errands and being tired and looking like trash and feeling fat in my own body. so no advice, just letting you know i feel the same and i don't think it gets better (people said it would, but it's not true).

I feel very badly for you. I did not experience what you are going through but I think it was because I had my kids five years apart. Also because I did not start my career until after my kids were in school.

My mother, on the other hand, had three kids in three years, and she was 34 when she had the first, after years of a very satisfying career. As possible consolation to you I would say that she was eventually able to resume her career and she also often spoke of how her children were her greatest joy and proudest accomplishment.

She retired at age 62 and lived another 28 years, during that time her job was a distant memory but her children were a constant presence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to the friends and family you used to “help” and “be there for”? Could you still make plans to see them?

It feels impossibly hard at the moment (I know that sounds silly / pathetic). They’ve asked me to go out to dinner but dinner / bedtime is still too tough for dh to manage on his own bc it’s the combo of witching hour and 2yo meltdown for attention. By the time bedtime is over I’m too eager to get to bed before the night wake ups to go out to dinner. On weekends the toddler is too high energy to sit through a brunch and the baby cries if he’s not in motion so while I could take a kid to meet a friend it’s just a stressful experience where I feel like even less of an individual person bc I spend the whole time stressed and distracted by a child

I totally get that. But what about other things, like maybe someone can just come to your house with some coffee or a treat for an hour? Do you have any friends with children? Or maybe you can just make time to call or even email a friend?

You can’t work and have a husband who can’t handle both kids on his own. Either he steps up so you get some time with friends, or you become a Sahm with very part time work and have playgroups and walks in the sunshine every afternoon.

It sounds rough but some of it seems self-imposed. You should absolutely leave your kids with your husband in the evenings sometimes to get a break. How else is he going to get practice managing the kids in his own?

Perhaps first leave for just a quick drink/bite to eat, for an hour or so. You can leave for progressively longer periods of time to go to the gym, dinner etc. after that.

It can be done! I left for an international work trip when my kid was 2 mos old. Husband was completely fine with it because we try to coparent fairly equally, he gave the kid pumped milk, and I was only gone for a long weekend.

I just wrote a post looking for travel recommendations bc it’s gotten so bad in my house I’m leaving for five days in Paris and everyone can just gd deal

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to the friends and family you used to “help” and “be there for”? Could you still make plans to see them?

It feels impossibly hard at the moment (I know that sounds silly / pathetic). They’ve asked me to go out to dinner but dinner / bedtime is still too tough for dh to manage on his own bc it’s the combo of witching hour and 2yo meltdown for attention. By the time bedtime is over I’m too eager to get to bed before the night wake ups to go out to dinner. On weekends the toddler is too high energy to sit through a brunch and the baby cries if he’s not in motion so while I could take a kid to meet a friend it’s just a stressful experience where I feel like even less of an individual person bc I spend the whole time stressed and distracted by a child

Can you manage both at the same time? If so, DH needs to suck it up - parenting is something you only learn through experience. He handles it his way, and you don't criticize how he does it (frozen food? McDonalds? who cares).

Go out with friends, get DH on board so you can do PT for your HEALTH - its REALLY important - and if DH can't get on board with you being a real person get into counseling so he learns how important it is.

+1 to go to Starbucks.

Go on a walk if the weather is nice. Ideally find someplace nearby with trees or a pond -- but even if you do a few slow laps around the local high school track while listening to a podcast, you'll feel better.

Research one of those fitness classes for moms -- Stroller Strides, Fit4Mom. Some have weekend meet ups. If you can only find the weekday ones for the SAHMs, then put it out of your mind.

Take yourself to the movies. Go to a theater with the reclining seats. If the movie's terrible, you can always take a nice nap.

Keep in mind that this is only a phase. Soon your kids will be bigger and more independent and you'll be able to get more and more pieces of yourself back.

Anonymous wrote:What happened to the friends and family you used to “help” and “be there for”? Could you still make plans to see them?

It feels impossibly hard at the moment (I know that sounds silly / pathetic). They’ve asked me to go out to dinner but dinner / bedtime is still too tough for dh to manage on his own bc it’s the combo of witching hour and 2yo meltdown for attention. By the time bedtime is over I’m too eager to get to bed before the night wake ups to go out to dinner. On weekends the toddler is too high energy to sit through a brunch and the baby cries if he’s not in motion so while I could take a kid to meet a friend it’s just a stressful experience where I feel like even less of an individual person bc I spend the whole time stressed and distracted by a child

What happened to the friends and family you used to “help” and “be there for”? Could you still make plans to see them?

Omg same. I was just thinking about how my body is just wrecked and will never be the same. I feel like between work and weekends I never get a single second to myself. I look forward to federal holidays that daycare is open. Weekends are sooo much work. Wake up, breakfast, baby naps at 10, lunch, toddler naps at noon, then baby naps at 2, dinner. By the time it’s over I’ve spent my whole day making kids nap, cooking and cleaning. And my house is wrecked.

It is a phase. But also try refocusing on what you are doing and why you are doing it. There are two tiny, helpless human beings you brought into the world and are raising up to be a part of something. There is great purpose in this, and it takes all a person has got in them to be the primary care giver. A primary care giver is not a shell of a person -- you are the most important person it the the universe to those two kids right now.

Embrace the stage of life you are in. It goes fast.

Firstly, as PP said, it's JUST a phase. When both kids are past 3 and toilet trained, you will feel like a whole new woman.

Secondly, GO TO STARBUCKS. Read a book. People-watch.

Thirdly, can you hire someone to watch the kids so you can get PT? This is your HEALTH. Invest in it. Especially if the kids have the same afternoon nap time, you might feel better about leaving them with a babysitter to get PT.

This is just a phase. You will slowly come out the other end as the kids get older. Don’t beat yourself up.

I’ve had 2 kids in 2 years. Over those 2 years I’ve gone from someone with a career I found interesting, who helped friends train for half marathons, who was able to be there for friends and family in meaningful ways to what feels like a shadow of a person that has a tiny life and serves no purpose beyond wiping noses and picking up toys. I switched jobs over a year ago to one that was more family friendly and now work remotely with no coworkers to have fun with and I don’t feel any joy in the work, my pelvis is too wrecked to exercise at all and I can’t even find the time to get to physical therapy appointments in the hours they’re available to fix it, my body feels like a fat blob that leaks on everything and constantly smells of spitup, and I’m too tired to be a good friend or have a social life.

I feel like I’ve entirely lost what made me an individual person with connections, interests and time spent on things beyond tending to two small kids. My husband said he’d take them more on the weekends so I can “get a break” but I don’t even know what I’d do beyond go to Starbucks’s myself - I literally can’t think of anything I have in my life anymore.

Any ideas of how to get out of this mental funk? I’m already on a med for mild ppd. I do enjoy my kids - I just don’t enjoy the shell of a person I’ve become.