DS is a bit older, 17 and a high school junior, and his girlfriend’s parents are totally hands-off. She has no curfew and no rules when the parents are away (which is frequent). Luckily they are both amazingly great kids but it has been a worry. Nothing we can do but stress responsibility and caution to our son.

Other parents will lie to you so much of the time.
“Trust - but Verify.”

Anonymous wrote:Freshman kids, well known party house with no supervision, and a large group of parents are letting their 15 year olds hang there all the time and sleep over. They all know what’s going on but don’t care. I’m pissed as these are my kid’s friends and I have reached out to the parents to see if we can be on the same page, and no-go. It’s craziness. Makes it very hard to parent and be the only one in the friend group not allowing it, which I have to do.

Your kids need other friends, or you can host and set your own rules. You don't get to set rules in other people's homes. My kids know that no matter what they should never get into a car with someone under the influence of anything, and that I'll come get them no matter what. I think it's best for your kids to be around kids with similar values, but that isn't going to happen 100% of the time, so you need to prepare them. I tend to be one of the parents with too many rules, and I'd be fine if a parent called to find out my rules. However, don't call me so "we can be on the same page." I tell you the rules and you decide whether to send your kid. You don't get input on the rules at a party I'm hosting in my house.

There are two houses in my neighborhood next door to each other, a sophomore boy lives in one and a sophomore girl in the other. Both houses will host sleepovers on the same night. The kids all hang out and then are supposed to separate at a certain point. I trusted the girls parents so my daughter went to one sleepover. She said the kids were sneaking back and forth after hours. There was drinking and weed, but what made her uncomfortable was the pairing off and hooking up, and the implied assumption that each girl would hook up with one of the boys. She felt very uncomfortable. I spoke to the parents and they pretty much said they’d rather have their kids at home than out and so they turn a blind eye, and that they tell parents that they check on the kids and supervise. That’s why I let her go - I never imagined parents would lie to other parents.

I get that these kids will be off at college in a couple years, but there’s a big difference between 15 year olds and 18 year olds. I’m fine with kids hanging out and learning to set limits themselves but I don’t think we should make it so easy.

Anonymous wrote:Thing is, you have to parent your kid the way that you believe is right for your child and accept that others are doing the same. You can’t dictate the parenting decisions of others. Clearly those parents see the situation different than you do and are acting on what they know.

I have reason to doubt what you say about that house. But I also know in my own kids’ friends groups there are very different views on what the parents allow the kids to do. And their are some hand wringers and overprotectors in the parents each of my kids’ friend groups. Everyone is free to make their own decisions and they have to deal with the consequences of what they decide.

Yes but then we all have to deal with the massive emotional group drama from our own kids when a “friend” dies in a car wreck or overdoses. Parents are certainly most welcome to look the other way and parent their own kid as they choose, but others deal with the consequences too. Outsider kids are also affected when things go bad as they are ones left to pick up the pieces and contribute to the GoFundMe drives

The cops want you to report suspicions. It’s not your job to produce evidence of anything. It’s THEIR job to check it out.

You REPORT.

Anonymous wrote:In three very short years these kids will mostly be on their own in college or elsewhere, shouldn’t there be a gradual process of letting them have some independence and maturity? Is there hard evidence of drinking, pot, etc.? And as far as calling the police, doesn’t everyone really have something else to do besides harassing these teenagers, especially since obviously yours isn’t there? I remember fondly many teenage summers of hanging out with my friends without adults breathing down our necks. Let it go.

Time to grow up now.

In three very short years these kids will mostly be on their own in college or elsewhere, shouldn’t there be a gradual process of letting them have some independence and maturity? Is there hard evidence of drinking, pot, etc.? And as far as calling the police, doesn’t everyone really have something else to do besides harassing these teenagers, especially since obviously yours isn’t there? I remember fondly many teenage summers of hanging out with my friends without adults breathing down our necks. Let it go.

Anonymous wrote:Thing is, you have to parent your kid the way that you believe is right for your child and accept that others are doing the same. You can’t dictate the parenting decisions of others. Clearly those parents see the situation different than you do and are acting on what they know.

I have reason to doubt what you say about that house. But I also know in my own kids’ friends groups there are very different views on what the parents allow the kids to do. And their are some hand wringers and overprotectors in the parents each of my kids’ friend groups. Everyone is free to make their own decisions and they have to deal with the consequences of what they decide.

Why do you you say you have reason to doubt what she’s saying?

Thing is, you have to parent your kid the way that you believe is right for your child and accept that others are doing the same. You can’t dictate the parenting decisions of others. Clearly those parents see the situation different than you do and are acting on what they know.

I have reason to doubt what you say about that house. But I also know in my own kids’ friends groups there are very different views on what the parents allow the kids to do. And their are some hand wringers and overprotectors in the parents each of my kids’ friend groups. Everyone is free to make their own decisions and they have to deal with the consequences of what they decide.

Anonymous wrote:I’d have the cops do a surprise little check up on that party house. Absolutely. Do it.

Yep

Anonymous wrote:I’d have the cops do a surprise little check up on that party house. Absolutely. Do it.

I think there would have to be a legit reason. If the sleepover is when parents are not home and kids are drinking or there is a party where kids will drink and drive. If there is no noise and the kids may or may not be smoking pot in the basement while parents are upstairs and nobody is driving, yes it's illegal, but what justification will you give to the police. What if they go there and nobody is doing anything wrong.

That said, some parents won't care until the kids get in trouble. If the school is repeatedly calling home about bullying and the cops get involved due to substances, then they care. Otherwise, the kid fitting in can matter more to some parents.

They don't realize that if look the other way over and over there is a good chance the police will be involved at some point and then once their is a record it can affect the kid's future. Mugshots.com loves to humiliate people on line and make it hard for them to get jobs.

There was quite a bit of realigning my friend group when my kids became teens. Many parents want their kids to be popular and will not rock the boat in any way that might affect this.

I’d have the cops do a surprise little check up on that party house. Absolutely. Do it.

Freshman kids, well known party house with no supervision, and a large group of parents are letting their 15 year olds hang there all the time and sleep over. They all know what’s going on but don’t care. I’m pissed as these are my kid’s friends and I have reached out to the parents to see if we can be on the same page, and no-go. It’s craziness. Makes it very hard to parent and be the only one in the friend group not allowing it, which I have to do.