You can’t rely on external approval and affirmation anymore (no promotion, raise, work recognition, etc.). All of that has to come from within.

I see people go couple ways (or do both) - one is just go into ‘parenting’ all in... transfer all your energy and time into managing the kids. This works well when they are little but probably not sustainable as they grow up.

Another way is have something that is not paid work nor kids that you love - these would be the marathon runners, non-profit volunteere, etc.

I personally do a bit of everything - volunteer at school, girl scout leader, run a bit, read a lot and do some consulting work (same work I used to do before)... If I stay busy, I don’t really worry/care about what other people think.

You define success through your kids! Larlo won his chess tournament last week, and Larla came in second in the science fair. I take credit for it, and can’t wait to post on Facebook to let everyone know what a successful mom I am!

Tough one. I sometimes imagine a Medal ceremony which goes from a tech entrepreneur to an astronaut to a mom or dad who got their stubborn son to poop in the toilet. Ha!

I used to be really caught up in external motivators. Have an Ivy League masters, intense career in a male dominated field. Loved the bragging rights. Knew it wouldn’t work for family life. Gave it up. Felt oddly guilty.

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself who are you really doing this for? That goes for moms who are doing ‘mom things’ that leave them feeling hollow. You are not gonna get any validation from a 2 year old that’s for sure.

This is actually real work, figuring out who you are with all the accolades removed. Where you want to spend your energy. It’s tough, but ultimately been a gift for me. It’s okay to let your kids see you are still just figuring it out. They seem to understand/relate to that.

You are either confident or not. I was confident when I worked before kids. I felt guilty and unhappy working and not spending enough time with my baby. Baby had health problems and 2 surgeries while I was on maternity leave. I cut way down when I had second but hated my mommy track job, felt stretched thin with two young kids and no time for myself.

I’m now a SAHM of 3 kids and enjoying everyday. I work out. I look and feel great. Marriage is good. I’m investing in friendships. I feel confident and happy with the choices I have made.

I WOHM, but I would measure myself the same way if I didn't work for pay.

Am I contributing to the community and my family in a way that I feel satisfied?

Maybe its because I've chosen a mission-driven career rather than one with more metrics, but OP, I think the first step is to figure out why you "feel bad." This is not a good way to start off. You don't need to feel bad for your choice whatever it is.

You don't "define confidence." You are either confident in you choices or not.

People do define success and it is a very fluid word, like delicious. Success to me is living up to my values, which have been developed and defined over a lifetime. So maybe your starting point should be trying to make a list of your own values.

Anonymous wrote:Now that I sah full time, I’ve been trying to redefine how I feel success and confidence. What exactly are other sahms using to judge this about themselves? I need some way to determine this without just feeling badly.

The great, but challenging thing about being a SAHM is that you set your own goals and do your own performance review. Think about what's important to you. Why did you decide to SAH FT? Is there something you want to give your children -- a legacy for them to remember you by? Do you want more time to pursue a hobby that's meaningful to you? Are there extended family members, friends and neighbors whom you'd like to get to know better and help out when you can? Do you want to give back to your broader community -- beyond your family and your kids' schools? Dream a little, OP, then run your own race.

Anonymous wrote:I think SAHMs of high earners or have family money are viewed differently than SAHMs with low-middle earners.

I know many SAHMs who don’t want to go back to work even as kids approach elementary. At the same time, they can’t afford to buy a house in a good school pyramid, haven’t been funding retirement or college. Just seems irresponsible.

Then there are SAHMs who were low earners themselves and working isn’t justified due to high childcare costs.

What does this have to do with OP’s question?

I think SAHMs of high earners or have family money are viewed differently than SAHMs with low-middle earners.

I know many SAHMs who don’t want to go back to work even as kids approach elementary. At the same time, they can’t afford to buy a house in a good school pyramid, haven’t been funding retirement or college. Just seems irresponsible.

Then there are SAHMs who were low earners themselves and working isn’t justified due to high childcare costs.

Anonymous wrote:Now that I sah full time, I’ve been trying to redefine how I feel success and confidence. What exactly are other sahms using to judge this about themselves? I need some way to determine this without just feeling badly.

Why do you “feel badly”?

I found this hard as well. Because society is constantly telling us that we've made a stupid choice. And maybe we have, logically, but we've made the choice we want to for our lives.

The other part that's hard is that our spouses seldom "see" all the work we do and how exhausting and unrelenting it is.

If I'm honest, I'll say that until I went back to work (started a business working from home when kids were in school) I didn't feel fully myself again. Fully proud of my contribution.

I think this is for two reasons:
1)taking care of kids and a home is work that can't be done perfectly. It's constantly judged and found lacking. By myself, my spouse, my mother, random ladies on the street.
2)Our society truly only values work outside the home. There's really no way around this.

But, I remind myself that learning to find self-esteem from somewhere other than a traditionally recognized job is important. Because of retirement. Because of illness. Much of our lives is not our money making phase. Might as well figure out other sources of pride now!

Anonymous wrote:Now that I sah full time, I’ve been trying to redefine how I feel success and confidence. What exactly are other sahms using to judge this about themselves? I need some way to determine this without just feeling badly.

OP, did you feel that SAH parents were “less successful” than working parents before you decided to become one? Do you judge everyone you meet for the things that they do differently than you do?

I worked for over a decade before having kids and was by all means “successful” but I truly never valued my career as a source of confidence or meaning in my life. (So maybe that’s why I don’t miss working right now and haven’t felt like it impacted my sense of self-worth.) But I’ve always just sought out things that made me happy and tried not to let work get in the way of that. When I was younger, happiness (or success) was measured by the fullness of my calendar. I felt bummed about my life when it was just work and home but happy when it was filled with happy hours, brunches, vacations, day trips, concerts, sports, dates etc.

Now as a mom I actually find more opportunities for daily happiness and success because I’m not spending 50+ hours a week pleasing clients and bosses instead of living my life. What do you actually value in life? What little things bring you happiness? Start there.

I always wished I got into education policy (but went a different direction with my career) but I now really enjoy having a direct and daily impact on what my kids know and understand and are curious about. I like having time to experiment with new foods (even if my kids won’t touch it.) I like the freedom to travel or just go to museums or events on weekdays without worrying about how much vacation time I have. Overall I feel very happy (and therefore successful) with all the day to day things I can do and enjoy with my kids without the stress of work and other people’s priorities and deadlines taking up so much of my mental energy. I know that doesn’t directly answer your question but hopefully it offers a different perspective on how to measure and define your life.

Get a hobby outside of the kids. Seriously, saved my sanity. The thing with raising kids is they are not going to appreciate the magnitude of all you do for them until they are much much older so you need to feel some immediate gratification elsewhere. Not that your SAHM work is not valuable, you will know this in your heart and that may need to be your guiding compass. Because often times that may be the only place you can return to to know your sacrifice is worth it. And don’t get me wrong there will be beautiful loving moments you would Give the world for, but engaging in other thing you are objectively good at that others openly appreciate will do wonders for maintaining sanity and self-worth.

Now that I sah full time, I’ve been trying to redefine how I feel success and confidence. What exactly are other sahms using to judge this about themselves? I need some way to determine this without just feeling badly.