DH works from home: so he...runs laundry, folds and puts away clothes, cooks, does 50% of dishes, dresses kids in morning, does all pick ups and 50% of dropoffs, lawn (but only after I nag the sh*t out of him so I'm real glad it is that season again), does most meal planning/50% of grocery shopping, vacuums, cleans 50% of bathrooms, handles bulk of home repairs, puts one kid to bed at night

Me -- work out of the home, roughly 75 minute commute in rush hour: do 50% of dropoffs, order clothes/sports equipment, research child health and development, research and sign up for schools/activities/sports, schedule and take kids to 80% of doctor and dentist appointments, plan birthday parties, playdates and get gifts for other kids, send thank you notes for ours, weekend planning, travel planning, 50% of dishes, 50% of bathroom cleaning, cards/gifts for teachers, holidays, communicate with teacher/school, school paperwork, fulfill 75% of school volunteer duties, clean playroom, take out trash/recycling, taxes, pay bills, put one kid to bed at night, give kids 90% of baths.

Kids are 3 and 5.

Anonymous wrote:DH: runs laundry, grocery shopping, cooks on weekdays, trash/recycling, pays bills, schedules house and garden maintenance, dishes (both of us but mostly him), most drop-offs and pick ups, texts with cleaning lady, some driving for extracurriculars

Me: fold and put away laundry, order house supplies, clothes, shoes, coats and any child-related equipment, books & toys, research child health and development, research and sign up for camps, schedule doctor and dentist appointments, research schools, research home repair options, weekend planning, travel planning, house organization, tidying, cards/gifts for teachers, birthdays, holidays, communicate with teacher/school

I think this division is mostly because 1) we both work and 2) our kids are young so I have spent a lot of the last years either TTC, pregnant, or breastfeeding. But I think it works pretty well for us because he is more of a routine task person who hates research and shopping and while I don’t love those things, I don’t mind them. He also doesn’t have many ideas about things like how to wean to a cup, how to potty train, how to teach reading whereas I’ve been responsible for those details. Maybe this will shift when we are out of the 0-5 rapid developmental change phase.

Sounds a lot like our division of labor. I switched a few things up from your lists to create my own to see where we stand. We have a 7 year old and we've kind of fallen into these habits/routines and they work for us.

We both work a lot but logistically it makes sense for him to do drop off and pick up and cook dinner. I do all the coordinating, schedule, gifts, etc. we’re both grateful for what the other does but also both get frustrated that the other is so oblivious to the demands of our roles. I’m lazier so he’ll do bedtime always with the older kid while I nurse the baby. Sometimes I wish I had more time to spend with them and cook for them (especially since often I suggest what he should cook). The mental load is a lot though and annoying to have so much decision making.

DH: runs laundry, cooks on weekdays, trash/recycling, pays bills, schedules house and garden maintenance, dishes (both of us but mostly him), most drip-offs and pick ups, orders house supplies, texts with caregivers & cleaning lady, dr & dentist appointments, some driving for extracurriculars

Me: fold and put away laundry, grocery shopping, cook on weekends, clothes, shoes, coats and any child-related equipment, books & toys, research child health and development, hire caregivers, research schools, research home repair options, weekend planning, travel planning, house organization, tidying, cards/gifts for teachers, birthdays, holidays, most driving for extracurriculars

I think this division is mostly because 1) we both work and 2) our kids are young so I have spent a lot of the last years either TTC, pregnant, or breastfeeding. But I think it works pretty well for us because he is more of a routine task person who hates research and shopping and while I don’t love those things, I don’t mind them. He also doesn’t have many ideas about things like how to wean to a cup, how to potty train, how to teach reading whereas I’ve been responsible for those details. Maybe this will shift when we are out of the 0-5 rapid developmental change phase.

I do all the things that you mention, but he does other things that I appreciate very much. For example, he wakes up early with them every single morning so I can sleep in, packs their lunches etc. And when we do go out, he's the one who packs what we need (water, sunscreen, toys etc).

DH generally doesn’t do the planning/organizing except he does gifts, and he is planning our summer vacation. He also cooks and grocery shops.

I was doing everything so we re-accessed and now he does all medical/dental appointments and took over all grocery shopping/pantry stocking.

We both work highly demanding jobs.

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t do any of that stuff. I SAH, and those things are my job.

+1
This is us. He works long hours so I don't expect him to do all that stuff. When he's home from work, I want him to be able to relax and enjoy his home life. I got the other stuff covered. I like the way it works and so does he.

DH does pickup about half the time. He’s also in charge of dinner and groceries, and routine health and hygiene for DS (doc, dentist, haircuts). I do everything else.

DH is the main parent. He picked the nanny, he cooks, he volunteers at school more than I do, he coordinates dr appts, etc.
The only thing I'm in charge of is their clothes.

DH doesn’t do any of that stuff. I SAH, and those things are my job.

He picks dd up from preschool 4 days a week. Sometimes arranges a park play date with one of the moms/dads of dds friend for right after. He writes the checks for the preschool.
He also writes the thank-you notes for presents.
He researched and signed up dd for an activity once a week and takes her there. Also arranges playtime/visits with his parents.
I do most weekday appointments since I have a more flexible schedule.
We coordinate everything via email and a shared google calendar to keep track. . When I'm on travel he takes care of everything for a couple days to a week.

He does everything I ask him to, but I do all the planning/coordinating/scheduling, awareness. Example: our kid has a fieldtrip coming up, and forms were due today. We both get the emails, and usually I take care of all admin stuff. Yesterday I was in the middle of three other things, so I printed the form from my phone, told him it was on the printer, and asked him to fill it out. He did. But he had ni idea there even was a field trip.

Right now the dog is sitting in the LR, whining because it is time for her walk. He acts like he can't hear it, so I will eithe take the dog out, or I will ask him to. If I ask him, he will. But the fact that I have to ask does bug me once in a while - especially since HE wanted the dog.

It's mostly pretty evenly split in my family, I do a little more schedule keeping and reminding (not just in parenting, I'm a planner and DH is an "it'll all work out" type) but the actual work and logistics are divided.

Does your partner do anything other than work and care for/play with the kids? Like, does s/he take the lead on communicating with teachers, signing kids up for activities, schedule dr appointments, keep the schedule for anything, purchase birthday or other gifts, plan playdates, anything like this?

My husband works hard and doesn't get much downtime during the day so I don't expect him to do much of this and I think he does appreciate it and realize all I do, but I wonder if in other families the mom (or one partner) is doing all of these things or if in other families these duties are split.