Anonymous
04/08/2019 12:51
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
I would think you were not human if you didn't have a little shortness of patience in these circumstances. Welcome to the human race. I am impressed with all the good posts you got in response to this question. There are some amazing people out there including you. I can just add that if there is any way you can take a break on occasion it might help. Is there another single mom you trust with whom you could share care and break times. Friendships often come from mutual circumstances and understanding. A lot of churches offer Moms Day Out for moms such as you to get a break. Support groups for moms in these type circumstances are often able to develop their own resources for breaks and help. I am praying for you. You are really something special and I am so proud of all that you are accomplishing. You must make some Mom and Dad very proud. I thank God for these 2 precious little ones. But having 5 of my own helps me to understand and appreciate that no matter how much you love them sometimes you are just over come by the duty of it all. Blessings to you, you are a great Mom. Here's a hug!!!! and a pat on the back.
Anonymous
04/03/2019 08:13
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
Anonymous wrote:I am here with you - even have a 2 and 4 year old too. Two things I recently did: committed to pausing before speaking/challenging/chastising (i.e., yelling) and, even more effective for me, to spend more time getting down to their level physically to have conversations.
While I agree with the posters on taking a time out, counting to ten, etc., for me those things haven't been quite as helpful. However, taking a minute to better assess the situation before jumping in has really reduced my yelling. A lot of times my kids will stop doing whatever dumb thing they started or figure out whatever they are fighting over if I give it a minute before intervening (not if being unsafe, of course). I find since I'm yelling less, they are actually responding better to me when I talk to them and the situation seems to be deescalating.
Even more helpful has been getting down on their level. When they are doing something that is driving me nuts lately I kneel down and talk to them about it. "Why are you upset? What is going on? How can we solve the problem?" I find that it makes me focus on my kids rather than yelling while distracted by other ongoing things, which never works anyway. Most importantly, I never feel the urge to yell if I'm speaking directly face to face as opposed to from the next room/across the room so it has really cut down on yelling.
Final thing - downloaded a noise meter app on my phone for when there is a sheer volume issue. Kids hate triggering the alarm! Everyone is calmer when voices are at a reasonable level.
Yes yes yes to all of this. I have slipped into yelling and frustration with my 2 and 4 year old lately as well. Especially my 4 year old. I don't want to have her earliest memories be me yelling at her! When I am being "better" I do a lot of these things. I particularly like the "committing to a pause". Because yes! That helps so much. I needed the reminders. Thank you PP for posting this.
Anonymous
04/03/2019 08:12
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
Anonymous wrote:Get back to basics: Food and sleep. Do what you can to make sure you get those things.
Set daily micro-breaks: Maybe you stare out the window for five minutes while you drink a cup of coffee, take a bath once the kids are in bed on a Friday. Whatever you can to have a little ritual that's restorative.
Plan for joy: Do things that make the three of you happy, whatever that is. Make plans to look forward to--like, today I'm bring PBJs when I pick you up at daycare and then we're going to the playground! Fresh air, sunshine, etc.
Fantastic advice.
Anonymous
04/03/2019 08:09
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
I don't know where you are located, or if you can make the time, or if you can afford it. But PEP, the parent encouragement program, has an anger management course, that's excellent. I took it over a decade ago, and here's something I still remember. If your boss did whatever your toddlers were doing, would you scream at them? I think the example they used in class was you were having a cocktail party or dinner party and the boss spilled a glass of red wine on your new white carpet. Think of your children as adult human beings momentarily, and you'll treat them differently.
Anonymous
04/03/2019 02:36
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
I first want to comend you on reaching out for help. That’s a great step recognizing you need help. Also kudos on being in grad school. It will yield dividends and your financial situation will get much better. Do you have any family or friends nearby that can occasionally help with babysitting? Even if an hour or two on the occasional weekend that would give you some time to yourself. Also your 4 year old may need to burn more energy. Now that the weather is getting better try getting out more e.g to the park so they can run around or if weather is bad a play area in the mall.
Best of Luck and it will get better.
Best of Luck and it will get better.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 21:54
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
If I catch myself yelling, I turn it into a growl and tell the kids that "Mommy Monster" is here. They think it's funny, and it lightens everyone's mood a bit.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 20:59
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
Anonymous wrote:I am here with you - even have a 2 and 4 year old too. Two things I recently did: committed to pausing before speaking/challenging/chastising (i.e., yelling) and, even more effective for me, to spend more time getting down to their level physically to have conversations.
While I agree with the posters on taking a time out, counting to ten, etc., for me those things haven't been quite as helpful. However, taking a minute to better assess the situation before jumping in has really reduced my yelling. A lot of times my kids will stop doing whatever dumb thing they started or figure out whatever they are fighting over if I give it a minute before intervening (not if being unsafe, of course). I find since I'm yelling less, they are actually responding better to me when I talk to them and the situation seems to be deescalating.
Even more helpful has been getting down on their level. When they are doing something that is driving me nuts lately I kneel down and talk to them about it. "Why are you upset? What is going on? How can we solve the problem?" I find that it makes me focus on my kids rather than yelling while distracted by other ongoing things, which never works anyway. Most importantly, I never feel the urge to yell if I'm speaking directly face to face as opposed to from the next room/across the room so it has really cut down on yelling.
Final thing - downloaded a noise meter app on my phone for when there is a sheer volume issue. Kids hate triggering the alarm! Everyone is calmer when voices are at a reasonable level.
These are great tips — thank you! I also pull the “do you need a hug.” Card and the tickle monster card when I think my preschooler is having issues processing emotions.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 13:52
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
That is very tough Op. Just try to do your best every day. I find reading 'no bad kids' really helped me. It gave me perspective into why they were acting the way they were and that helped me to remain calm in the face of complete defiance. Kids are exhausted after trying to be good all day and since we are their 'safe space' they are inevitably going to act worse when they are around us.
Hang in there! I promise it get easier (and soon)!
Hang in there! I promise it get easier (and soon)!
Anonymous
04/02/2019 13:49
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
I am here with you - even have a 2 and 4 year old too. Two things I recently did: committed to pausing before speaking/challenging/chastising (i.e., yelling) and, even more effective for me, to spend more time getting down to their level physically to have conversations.
While I agree with the posters on taking a time out, counting to ten, etc., for me those things haven't been quite as helpful. However, taking a minute to better assess the situation before jumping in has really reduced my yelling. A lot of times my kids will stop doing whatever dumb thing they started or figure out whatever they are fighting over if I give it a minute before intervening (not if being unsafe, of course). I find since I'm yelling less, they are actually responding better to me when I talk to them and the situation seems to be deescalating.
Even more helpful has been getting down on their level. When they are doing something that is driving me nuts lately I kneel down and talk to them about it. "Why are you upset? What is going on? How can we solve the problem?" I find that it makes me focus on my kids rather than yelling while distracted by other ongoing things, which never works anyway. Most importantly, I never feel the urge to yell if I'm speaking directly face to face as opposed to from the next room/across the room so it has really cut down on yelling.
Final thing - downloaded a noise meter app on my phone for when there is a sheer volume issue. Kids hate triggering the alarm! Everyone is calmer when voices are at a reasonable level.
While I agree with the posters on taking a time out, counting to ten, etc., for me those things haven't been quite as helpful. However, taking a minute to better assess the situation before jumping in has really reduced my yelling. A lot of times my kids will stop doing whatever dumb thing they started or figure out whatever they are fighting over if I give it a minute before intervening (not if being unsafe, of course). I find since I'm yelling less, they are actually responding better to me when I talk to them and the situation seems to be deescalating.
Even more helpful has been getting down on their level. When they are doing something that is driving me nuts lately I kneel down and talk to them about it. "Why are you upset? What is going on? How can we solve the problem?" I find that it makes me focus on my kids rather than yelling while distracted by other ongoing things, which never works anyway. Most importantly, I never feel the urge to yell if I'm speaking directly face to face as opposed to from the next room/across the room so it has really cut down on yelling.
Final thing - downloaded a noise meter app on my phone for when there is a sheer volume issue. Kids hate triggering the alarm! Everyone is calmer when voices are at a reasonable level.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 13:47
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
Anonymous wrote:In the moment when I really start to lose it with my kids, I put myself in a time out. I tell them I need a timeout to calm down, shut my bedroom door and count to 20 slowly to cool off. It just gives me a minute of separation from them to pull myself together and stop the yelling. Of course the whole time they are banging on the door, but you learn to just tune them out.
DP here. Sometimes I get in the shower so I can’t hear the pounding.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 13:33
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
In the moment when I really start to lose it with my kids, I put myself in a time out. I tell them I need a timeout to calm down, shut my bedroom door and count to 20 slowly to cool off. It just gives me a minute of separation from them to pull myself together and stop the yelling. Of course the whole time they are banging on the door, but you learn to just tune them out.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 13:25
Subject: Re:Short on patience - resources and tips?
Getting on meds helped me too. For me it was ADD.
I had this narrative in my mind for a long time that I was lazy and disorganized, etc. But once I had multiple kids I found that I just couldn’t focus, and I was so frustrated. Getting on meds really helped.
I had this narrative in my mind for a long time that I was lazy and disorganized, etc. But once I had multiple kids I found that I just couldn’t focus, and I was so frustrated. Getting on meds really helped.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 09:47
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
Get back to basics: Food and sleep. Do what you can to make sure you get those things.
Set daily micro-breaks: Maybe you stare out the window for five minutes while you drink a cup of coffee, take a bath once the kids are in bed on a Friday. Whatever you can to have a little ritual that's restorative.
Plan for joy: Do things that make the three of you happy, whatever that is. Make plans to look forward to--like, today I'm bring PBJs when I pick you up at daycare and then we're going to the playground! Fresh air, sunshine, etc.
Set daily micro-breaks: Maybe you stare out the window for five minutes while you drink a cup of coffee, take a bath once the kids are in bed on a Friday. Whatever you can to have a little ritual that's restorative.
Plan for joy: Do things that make the three of you happy, whatever that is. Make plans to look forward to--like, today I'm bring PBJs when I pick you up at daycare and then we're going to the playground! Fresh air, sunshine, etc.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 09:46
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
This might not be helpful for you, but for me, the biggest and most palatable change in my patience as a parent was going on anti-depressants. It made me so sad that I waited as long to go on them. I didn't realize that being short-tempered was part of depression and my yelling went down to 5% of the time. My relationship with the kids is so much better because of it, too.
Anonymous
04/02/2019 09:41
Subject: Short on patience - resources and tips?
My life is a little stressful: I’m in grad school, work PT, money is tight, and am a single mom to two, 2 and 4. I recognize that a lot of my stress is circumstantial (and temporary), but I’m finding it really difficult to maintain patience with my kids, particularly the 4-year-old. I’ve been yelling a lot. Would really appreciate any good advice on how to keep my emotions in check and stay calm even when the moments get stressful. TIA.