Anonymous
Post 03/20/2019 08:13     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

By “resetting the house” I mean- cleaning up dinner dishes, doing laundry as necessary (just mine and DS- DH does his own), putting away leftovers, opening DS’s backpack to pull out and pitch artwork, make sure no dirty clothes were sent home (it’s an outdoor-focused school), cleaning out his lunchbox, and reading the daily journal this is sent home, packing a lunch for DS.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 23:50     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Anonymous wrote:DH have been going to a marriage counselor. One thing we are working on is division of chores. We keep having the same stumbling block. I’m supposed to clean up dinner. DH is supposed to give DS a bath. His task is easy. DS is 4 and takes a shower. You literally have to stay within earshot with your phone, occasionally fetch a toy for DS, and wait for him to finish and dry him off.

While this is occurring, I run around and do dinner clean up, reset DS’s backpack, maybe flip a laundry load, pack lunch, and [b]basically reset the house and get us set up for a nice day. [b]I can’t do all this while supervising the shower. And I profoundly dislike doing it before DS gets into the shower because it takes me three times longer bc DS is in my hair while I’m clearing up.

The shower is also the beginning of our bedtime routine. It sets us up so that I can apply DS’s lotions (eczema issues) and pajamas and story time. It keeps him on schedule.

Despite the simple nature of the task, DH has never done it consistently. Today he fell asleep on the couch. Sometimes he waits sooo long and it’s obvious DS is overtired and needs to get his bedtime routine started. And when this happens, DS gets really really whiny and is all over me and I end up doing it. Sometimes he says his back hurts or he is not feeling well.

I started dealing with it by simply not cleaning up. Not to be a jerk. Just because I felt less resentful - like at least I wasn’t doing EVERYTHING. But then DH complained to the therapist and the therapist said I shouldn’t do that- I should tell him in a kind but assertive way that he needs to do his task. However how can I do that - wake him up and tell DH to put the kid in the shower? Say “sorry you are sick, please do your task?”

We have spent literally 3 sessions with the counselor on this. I don’t know why he cannot do this. It makes such a big difference to the functioning of our house when he does this small thing. Any advice?


Whoever needs it more - does it. In his view "set up for nice day" is unimportant. Dig around what is truly needed and what is your own imaginary burden that nobody holds you accountable for. If I had a cook, waitress, dishwasher, maid and personal assistant in one what would I do? Nothing. I would love it and do nothing at all. Stop doing stuff he needs. No packed lunches for him. No picking up - he can't find something - jeez, too bad. You get the idea.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 23:44     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist is telling you that you are not *telling him nicely enough* to pull his weight?

IMO, get a new therapist.


+1.

OP, we also went to a therapist, and similar issues came up.
The idea is communication and responsibility. I.e. if your DH is sick and cannot do his task, then he has to tell you that proactively, before parking himself on the couch and dozing off. If he didn't do it, he dropped the ball.

I agree you shouldn't stop something out of resentment. However, it sounds like you're pulling a much heavier load. I would focus on re-distributing that. What is "reset the house"? Picking up? Ask DH to do it on a weekend. Or, if you can do showers every other day, then on alternate days DH gets a different task.

Another thing that I got out of marriage therapy is playing to each others' strengths. What is your DH good at? Find a chore/task that he can succeed at doing based on things that come more natural for him.

If you feel overwhelmed and angry - try to do practical things to lighten your burden: buy take out roasted chicken and use paper plates - no cooking and no clean up. What is resetting a back pack? Can DH do it? What can be dropped from your daily list? If you outsource cleaning - will you have to do fewer cleaning tasks? Can DH turn over a load of laundry? If you remind him, maybe it's an extra thing he can do.

Don't be a martyr, optimize, divide and conquer.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 23:29     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

You should switch off.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 23:27     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

You let your 4 year old shower by himself? Aren't you worried he isn't getting clean enough?
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 23:06     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Anonymous wrote:Don't have any more kids! It will not get better.

Totally useless response. Then what.. is OP supposed to return the kid they already have? OP in your situation, I would have done the clean up but not bath. But Im also the type thats ok with kids bathing every other day if they are not dirty. Just change to PJs and bedtime.. and see what DH would say the next day?
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:38     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Don't have any more kids! It will not get better.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:33     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

You want him to step up and do what he’s supposed to do without having to parent him too. You are resentful that he is not doing it himself.

You have to decide how long you are going to be pissed that he can’t do one simple task vs be in a marriage with the husband you have.

Once you make peace with having a husband who will never willing do what needs to be done, the sooner you can come up with a plan that works for both of you.

In therapy, say “I want to find a solution that works for both of us. This is the list of things that need to be done each evening. It seems that supervising showers isn’t working for you. So either, it’s not the task you want to do. Or it’s a sign that you don’t want to do any of the task.”

Then you talk about why he thinks he shouldn’t do XYZ. Or he wants to wait until he feels like doing it. Which you discuss if it’s fair to wait until you feel like doing something.

Maybe he will do it, but you will always be the one leading the nighttime routine. So in therapy you come up with a script he is okay with you saying every night. I have ADD and have no sense of time. So DH usually takes the lead on when we start the evening routine. Every night to me and DS he has to say “in 15 mins or after this show we will start getting ready for bed”. Every night.

So you might say, okay after dinner DS has 30 mins to play. Then we start the night time routine. DH, you supervise the shower, I’ll clean up and get ready for tomorrow. Every night.

If he really truly believes that he can’t pick from your list of evening activities or can’t commit to doing them regardless of how he feels. Then you come up with how you will react.

Well if you can’t supervise the shower or help clean up and prepare for tomorrow, I’ll have to cut back on what I prepare for dinner so I won’t have as much clean up. Then you make peanut butter sandwiches with carrots and ranch for dinner. Every night.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:31     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

You're the wife, right? Not his mother.

Tell him to set an alarm on his phone for shower time.

When ds is whiny send him to dh.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:25     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

He should set a timer on his phone or a loud kitchen timer that goes off at shower time.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:21     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Of course you wake him up! Instead of fuming silently you talk to him.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:18     Subject: Re:Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Can you set a time deadline for the bath?
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:15     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Your therapist is telling you that you are not *telling him nicely enough* to pull his weight?

IMO, get a new therapist.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:15     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

Easy, you switch tasks. If he doesn't like it tuff shit.
Anonymous
Post 03/19/2019 21:06     Subject: Annoying parenting thing- helllp!

DH have been going to a marriage counselor. One thing we are working on is division of chores. We keep having the same stumbling block. I’m supposed to clean up dinner. DH is supposed to give DS a bath. His task is easy. DS is 4 and takes a shower. You literally have to stay within earshot with your phone, occasionally fetch a toy for DS, and wait for him to finish and dry him off.

While this is occurring, I run around and do dinner clean up, reset DS’s backpack, maybe flip a laundry load, pack lunch, and basically reset the house and get us set up for a nice day. I can’t do all this while supervising the shower. And I profoundly dislike doing it before DS gets into the shower because it takes me three times longer bc DS is in my hair while I’m clearing up.

The shower is also the beginning of our bedtime routine. It sets us up so that I can apply DS’s lotions (eczema issues) and pajamas and story time. It keeps him on schedule.

Despite the simple nature of the task, DH has never done it consistently. Today he fell asleep on the couch. Sometimes he waits sooo long and it’s obvious DS is overtired and needs to get his bedtime routine started. And when this happens, DS gets really really whiny and is all over me and I end up doing it. Sometimes he says his back hurts or he is not feeling well.

I started dealing with it by simply not cleaning up. Not to be a jerk. Just because I felt less resentful - like at least I wasn’t doing EVERYTHING. But then DH complained to the therapist and the therapist said I shouldn’t do that- I should tell him in a kind but assertive way that he needs to do his task. However how can I do that - wake him up and tell DH to put the kid in the shower? Say “sorry you are sick, please do your task?”

We have spent literally 3 sessions with the counselor on this. I don’t know why he cannot do this. It makes such a big difference to the functioning of our house when he does this small thing. Any advice?