I had a similar experience. I found myself sitting on a park bench sobbing the week before I turned 40, with aging parents, young kids, a job and a marriage, and I was totally lost. The me I was had been lost. I didn’t feel like I had changed, really, just that I had forgotten myself. I picked a couple of things that had been key to my identity in previous points in my life and started doing them again - best thing was taking back up a much-loved sport. Makes me feel like my 20 year old self. Hope you find yourself soon, OP!

Hi OP, I am there as well and one thing that helped is to remember what I loved in college (when I was really happy and super intellectually plugged in) and return to that. For me it's practicing french. My husband and I are actually going this summer alone so I can practice the language and see where I studied abroad. It's only for five days but it feels monumental. Yes of course the trip is amazing but remembering a version of myself when I was really in a good space and actively doing the literal same thing I was doing then (french classes) has helped so much, even when sometimes literally all I am doing is watching french netflix shows with subtitles.

[quote=Anonymous]Get a good therapist. It can do wonders. Process and integrate what you went through and come out the other side a better you.[/quote]

Therapy for sure--that's a lot of change to process, and therapy is a great place in which to do it.

The other thing is to plan for joy and fun. Plan things for your family, you as a couple, and *yourself* that make you happy. It helps you loosen up your mind and get a better perspective on how to move forward. A lesson learned for me healing from PPD.

As you said, you are a different person now but there are still old parts that can be reactivated. Pick one thing that you miss about your previous self and start doing it again. It could be working out, going back to work or resuming an old friendship or hobby.

Wow, thank you so much PPs for your kind responses. To those of you who have shared that youve had similar experiences, thank you for sharing. It really feels isolating some of the time... like sometimes it doesnt feel like the majority of people I know have experienced the same highs and lows simultaneously or that they lost themselves during the earlier years of parenting the way I did. It is comforting to read your responses.

Ho OP,

I just want to say you are not alone. My dad died 12 days after my son was born and my father in law 9 month later. It was the best and worst year of my live. 4 years later I feel like the veil is lifting but you are right.... it changes you. I am still trying to figure it out but I wanted you to know I get it.

I've lived through a very similar 6 years. Though the difficult times really only began 2 years ago, so I'm still trying to navigate the shock and ensuing trauma while coming to terms with the fact that it will always color what had been a very happy time in my life. Intellectually I know I need to get back to exercise, start reading again, connect more with my husband and friends, and curtail social media. But I'm so tired at the end of the day that it's hard to motivate.

Thanks for the reminder that I'm not the only one struggling.

Grief is a funny thing. Time can pass and you can still not manage to deal with it in an effective way. Sounds to me like you kept yourself so busy after the loss of your dad, focusing on the move and your husband's new job and your babies, that you never really allowed yourself to truly analyze your momentous loss. I agree with the poster that recommended a therapist who will help you process all the changes you've been going through.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was dying as my first child was born, and we moved when she was two months old, so yeah, that was a huge upheaval coupled with an identity crisis of becoming a parent. And I had a second child 2.5 years later. Since then, however, things have been very stable for about 5 years, and so I'm "on the other side" of those bad times. I do feel like I had to reinvent myself a bit, find a new social circle, and change my standards. It was definitely a process, but I'm much happier as a result.

I think my biggest advice is to try to deal with the past and then let it go (not let your dad go, but some of the other stuff), then open yourself to new possibilities, new people, and the rest will figure itself out. All the energy I put toward my mom, before she died, I put toward my sister and her children and my dad, and then elsewhere in my life.

Good luck!

I should add that for me, one key thing has been returning to work. I don't have a high-pressure job, but it gets me out of my head/house. Not trying to knock SAHMs (at all!), but for me personally, that was one thing that helped a lot.

My mom was dying as my first child was born, and we moved when she was two months old, so yeah, that was a huge upheaval coupled with an identity crisis of becoming a parent. And I had a second child 2.5 years later. Since then, however, things have been very stable for about 5 years, and so I'm "on the other side" of those bad times. I do feel like I had to reinvent myself a bit, find a new social circle, and change my standards. It was definitely a process, but I'm much happier as a result.

I think my biggest advice is to try to deal with the past and then let it go (not let your dad go, but some of the other stuff), then open yourself to new possibilities, new people, and the rest will figure itself out. All the energy I put toward my mom, before she died, I put toward my sister and her children and my dad, and then elsewhere in my life.

Good luck!

I have 3 kids. My 3rd is 18 months, and I've just started remembering who I was! For me, starting with working out again has helped. I only do small workouts, but it's a start. I also find that reading a book is a good way to remember who I was (vs. surfing FB after the kids go to sleep). Slow and steady. You'll find your way back.

I’m in somewhat similar boat except my father hasn’t passed yet.

I started doing things for myself instead of putting everyone else before me. I started working out and am back to my pre pregnancy weight. I started reading Michelle Obama’s book. Just little small things. I also made a few friends. I still fee lonely because I see those friends like once a month maybe and I don’t want to seem overly needy or desperate for friendship.

Get a good therapist. It can do wonders. Process and integrate what you went through and come out the other side a better you.

Consider some of the things you enjoyed before you had kids and whether you can re-engage with them. Did you have hobbies? Friends you have lost touch with? Professional interests you can pick up again? It won’t be the same, but it might be a good first step to remembering who you were before life events subsumed you.

Hey everyone!
So I had my first baby 6 yrs ago. All was great, it was the most fulfilling experience of my life. I was super happy. I was home full time and felt it was a good fit for me and us. Soon after, my dad had a massive stroke. He had been my closest family member. He lost his ability to speak and live independently. It took a huge toll on me. He died a few yrs later. The stroke actually had a bigger impact on me than his death bc he was still alive, but not him. So it was a big adjustment and loss in itself. So it ended up being like two deaths of the same person.

I had my second baby soon after my dad passed away. And soon after that, we moved for my husbands job. Somewhere between all the trauma and loss with my dad while being a new mom and then starting over again in terms location and a home, I feel like I may not have known it at the time, but I changed and lost a lot of who I was before. I was basically trying to manage my emotions surrounding loss during hormonal and sleepless stages, etc with minimal support from friends/family because we did not live local to anyone really.

So here I am 6 yrs later, no dad, my 2 babies arent babies anymore, in a new(ish) home in a new(ish) place, with lots of trauma/drama that went down mixed with lots of really happy times - so definitely a roller coaster. Seems like so much happened in a short time and I am a very diferent person than I was before. I want to be the best version of myself and I feel like I was but then I lost her along the way while it was all going on. Anyone experience anything like this and how did you get back to the best version of yourself?? Thanks in advance!