Anonymous wrote:It sounds more like PPA to me, because of the noise issues and the germ fears, definitely seek help!!

+1

Especially since you have a history of PPD. Don't mess around with this.

NP. I can relate, OP. Had exact feelings except my first born is 6. I was also worried that I wouldn’t love newborn as much as my 6 y/o and was completely caught off guard with these feelings. It took me longer to connect with DS6, he was and is a horrible sleeper, difficult toddler, preschooler, and now diagnosed with ADHD. Despite all that, I loved him fiercely and we grew a special bond.

When my DD, who’s now 3 months came along, the bond was instant. She’s an easygoing baby compared to DS when he was her age, and I’ve just had an easier time in general caring for her.

The first few weeks were terrible. I hated DS touching me, and like you, only wanted to cuddle with the baby. I was impatient with him, he seemed ridiculously big, I watched him with the baby like a hawk afraid he might hurt her (in reality he’s in love with his baby sister and shoes her only affection) etc.. It certainly doesn’t help that DS is impulsive, argumentative, inflexible at times by virtue of his ADHD (though he is truly a sweet kid).

Unfortunately, DS is old enough to notice and has grown much closer to DH as a result. Things have gotten better, but not by a lot. I still feel tremendous shame, guilt, and grief over what feels like the loss of my relationship with DS6. I take all of this as evidence that I must still care, even though I still have horrible thoughts of running away with just the baby and leaving DH and DS behind. I also still have a visceral reaction to DS6’s touch. I fear that DS6 will grow up hating me and we will never experience the closeness we had before DD was born.

I wish I could go to therapy to sort these feelings but I have no time or money. Has your therapist said these feelings are normal? Did she confirm PPA/PPD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any updates OP?

How are you doing? I experienced something similar to a lesser degree (heavily preferred spending time with baby over toddler. Easily annoyed by toddler).

Doing better.

Had a really bad day after posting this and broke down in front of nanny. Basically spilled my guts and she assured me she’s seen a whole range of various PPD/PPA similar to mine (she’s done a lot of postpartum work). Felt nice to get it off my chest and I decided to start therapy for PPD twice a week. I also schedule in a mmorning twice a week with 2-year-old. Sometimes it’s a struggle but it’s getting better. Baby is also getting much fussier so it’s been nice to hand him over to nanny. I also feel like I can be open about how I feel, “I’m overwhelmed”, “overtouched”, “need some space with baby”, “Having a hard time leaving baby” and she can respond accordingly. I was so worried she’d think I was a bad mother but she seems to get it in a way DH doesn’t. He’s supportive but clueless. Thankful for the professionals in my life. Twice a week therapy has helped tremendously.

Great update. It is not that it is easy but that you saw a problem and are getting help. I am glad that you have support and help. Your Husband is not likely to understand unless he has had some type of depression in his life. Clueless but supportive is good. It sounds like you have a great Nanny.

Anonymous wrote:Any updates OP?

How are you doing? I experienced something similar to a lesser degree (heavily preferred spending time with baby over toddler. Easily annoyed by toddler).

Doing better.

Had a really bad day after posting this and broke down in front of nanny. Basically spilled my guts and she assured me she’s seen a whole range of various PPD/PPA similar to mine (she’s done a lot of postpartum work). Felt nice to get it off my chest and I decided to start therapy for PPD twice a week. I also schedule in a mmorning twice a week with 2-year-old. Sometimes it’s a struggle but it’s getting better. Baby is also getting much fussier so it’s been nice to hand him over to nanny. I also feel like I can be open about how I feel, “I’m overwhelmed”, “overtouched”, “need some space with baby”, “Having a hard time leaving baby” and she can respond accordingly. I was so worried she’d think I was a bad mother but she seems to get it in a way DH doesn’t. He’s supportive but clueless. Thankful for the professionals in my life. Twice a week therapy has helped tremendously.

Any updates OP?

How are you doing? I experienced something similar to a lesser degree (heavily preferred spending time with baby over toddler. Easily annoyed by toddler).

In the meantime, try forcing yourself to spend time with your eldest. Make a effort to leave baby with the nanny and go do something with your eldest, even if it’s just for 30 minutes. I often find I don’t want to do something/play with my eldest. But when I force myself to, knowing it’s what he needs, I end up having fun and enjoying that time with my eldest. Give it a try and see what happens.

Very much ppa/ppd. Please speak to your doctor ASAP. The hormone cocktail in your body is manifesting in unhealthy ways. There is no way to predict how it would and it's normal that it's different from last time. Seek help now, it'll get better but you need assistance.

You’re not alone, OP:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/04/motherhood-second-child-family

Please talk to your Doctor and find someone to help you. The good news is that you are noticing the behavior and are aware that it is an issue.

I suspect that you are trying to enjoy your experience with the second child in a way that you could not enjoy with your first child.

Take some breaths and make an appointment with your OBGYN. tell her what is happening and ask for references for a therapist. Take some comfort in the fact that you know that there is a problem and that you know that you need help. That is huge. Now take the next step and actively seek out the help that you know that you need.

I didn't have such a severe reaction but I definitely had thoughts along the same lines. My second son was a surprise and I was so enamored with my first that I was secretly a little annoyed that I was having a second so soon. But as soon as I had the newborn my first seemed so much bigger (he was only 20 months) and always seemed to make things harder. I felt the same way, that maybe I loved my first a little less.

BUT.. it definitely got better and I can say 100% that I love them both equally. The older one is now a fantastic big brother and so sweet.

In my mind I theorized that it is somewhat natural. The new baby needs so much more from you than a two year old.

I would also keep in mind two year olds are trying on a good day and you are likely sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

I would just do your best to remember how much you really do love the first born and remember these feelings are only temporary. Get help wherever you can and be kind to yourself!

It sounds more like PPA to me, because of the noise issues and the germ fears, definitely seek help!!

Anonymous wrote:Is your second one a girl? I can't think your reaction would be this extreme with another boy. Get yourself to your doctor asap your emotions seem to be quite extreme maybe PPD but sounds like anxiety and something is going on maybe triggering from past but only doc can diagnose. Also your DS is still so little, if you can try to go to outside for a walk or playground at least once every other day and you will get some fresh perspective.

OP said the newborn is also a boy.

I agree though, seek help for this.

Yes, please see a doctor about this. Doesn’t sound like traditional PPD, but you’re acting abnormally. Probably a result of raging hormones, anxiety, or combination of both. Go seek help. And don’t worry, you haven’t inflicted any permanent damage on your older kid. This is fixable.

Is your second one a girl? I can't think your reaction would be this extreme with another boy. Get yourself to your doctor asap your emotions seem to be quite extreme maybe PPD but sounds like anxiety and something is going on maybe triggering from past but only doc can diagnose. Also your DS is still so little, if you can try to go to outside for a walk or playground at least once every other day and you will get some fresh perspective.

I’m going to be very honest hear because I’m struggling. Please be kind with your responses. I’ve never heard of a similar case of PPD so looking for advice and any moms who may have felt the same way at some point.

Baby is 4 weeks old and my delivery with him was so much easier (VBAC) than with my 23-month-old son (emergency cesarean). Recovery was a easy, breastfeeding has been a breeze. I overall enjoyed the pregnancy, delivery and baby way more than when I had my first. I had really bad PPD and anxiety with baby #1. My recover from birth took weeks and I think it took months before DS and I bonded. But, since we got over that rough patch I’ve found him to be so much fun a son a complete joy.

However, since giving birth I’ve found that I want to be away from him. I get angry at him for being too loud around baby or bringing germs home or getting in my space. I feel like I force myself to engender with him when all I want is to hold and cuddle with the baby.

Before delivering baby I was so worried I wouldn’t love baby as I love DS and now I feel like I love DS less? I feel so guilty and awful, but I want him away from me most of the time. He’s almost 2 so at an obnoxious age but I didn’t feel like this before delivery. I feel resentful when DS demands my attention because he is taking my attention away from newborn baby. DS has my undivided attention as a newborn and needing to split it between him and baby is difficult and I always feel like I’m not getting enough bonding time with baby.

On the weekend I want DH and my mom to take over care of DS. During the week want our nanny to take DS out of the house for as long as possible.

I also seem to have issues with DH and nanny spending anytime with Baby. I’ll be exhausted but get jealous when I see nanny hold him and I’ve been very snippy towards both DH, my mom and nanny.

Today I realized it’s an issue, but unsure how to bring it up to my doctor because I’m not having issues bonding with baby and I’m overall very happy as long as DS is away. But, nanny took DS out for a play date and I didn’t hear back from them as usual. For a split second, I thought, “I hope they had accident.” I did. And then I realized it and broke into tears. I was crying not because I was sad that it may have happened, but because I felt like the worst mom and couldn’t believe I even thought this... I was crying when nanny and DS returned and I still didn’t want to hug DS and snapped at nanny.

DS has become much more attached to nanny within the past month. I sometimes wish she’d just take him. I think she’s catching on that somethings up, she’ll offer to take baby to give time with DS who sometimes seems desperate for my attention but I angrily refuse.

Is this PPD? What is wrong with me? I feel like I’d be happy if I just existed in a world with baby and everyone else didn’t exist. I’ve never experienced this before.