The primary effect that our second child had on our marriage is that we have less time and energy for each other. Aside from a few rough weeks during the newborn phase with #2 when I hated my DH more than anything I've ever hated before (I was sleep deprived and had a terrible respiratory infection), we get along the same as we did before our second child was born. If anything, we're even more of a team now that we have 2 kids. However, we are both exhausted at the end of most days and carving out time for each is much more deliberate than it used to be.

We've also had to divide and conquer more now that there are 2 kids. We try to do things as a family as often as we can, but sometimes it's just easier and more logical to split up and each take a kid when there are errands, bday parties, sports practices, etc. on the weekend. When we had only 1 kid, we did a lot of these things together.

The second one was a much bigger adjustment for my DH than it was for me, for the same reasons mentioned above. I was used to being in demand, for being the default, for thinking about the kid before myself. When the second came, we had 2 kids 18 months apart, and DH became the default for our firstborn. It evened things out between us, and I might even go so far as to say it made things a lot better in our house bc he finally had to work as hard as I did. He's not a lazy spouse or father, but when there is only 1 kid, it is so easy for the dad to be the secondary parent, esp when the first kid breastfeeds and is clingy to mom.

The very beginning was wonderful: DH took three weeks off, we went our DS to daycare, and it was just lovely and joyous time together. We had a much easier time than with our first, because we knew what we were doing.

Then DD got her first illness at seven weeks, and we all got sick, which was the start of a wretched year-plus illness-wise for all four of us. Lots and lots of illnesses, which strained us both, and we were often in survival mode together.

And then after going back to work, I developed post-partum depression. That took about six months to recover from.

And along with that recurrent sinus infections that lead to an intestinal infection from too many antibiotics and sinus surgery. And work issues that finally lead to my first panic attack and the need to treat anxiety with meds and therapy...and after that was stable, a diagnosis of adult ADHD.

All that to say: The process of having and raising one of the absolute greatest joys of my life cost me in ways I did not expect, because I hit breaking points I didn't expect.

What I also found that I did not expect was deep, deep trust and appreciation for my DH that went far beyond what I had before, because of how he stood by me and compensated for me when I was unwell in various ways.

And the whole experience of having a second made us appreciate our team work in new ways--even when things were crazy, we often said, "I'd never want to be doing this with anyone but you."

The ones that have a lot of trouble are the couples where the husband thinks the baby is mom’s responsibility.

For us, having a second made us get our acts together and create more of a schedule. Family meals became something we did, rather than me feeding DC before DH got home from work and then adults eating after DC is in bed. It did mean we both had to be good about our work schedules - get in on time and leave to be home for dinner.

This was all hard, but in the end resulted in ingrained habits that have led to a good family routine.

Anonymous wrote:Well you're going to hear all sides on this. But I will be a beacon of hope. We were totally fine after #2. It helped A LOT that #2 was a good happy sleeping baby.

But DH and I already had a really solid pretty egalitarian relationship and division of child related duties. I also did not breastfed for whatever that is worth so we were able to divide nighttime duties a bit more than other couples are.

For us we communicate as soon as someone gets annoyed. Two big rules in our house, 1) if you're annoyed, speak up and address it, no wallowing and 2) assume the best about each other. That helps a lot.

For us #2 folded pretty neatly into our family.

Wow, this is us almost exactly. I did nurse (and pump). Also, our kids are very close in age, and I think that helped because you're completely finished with certain stages at a certain point, rather than going through the stage, finishing, and then going through it all over again.

Anonymous wrote:Early days are tough. I had two under two for a while. There was / is more tension because it's so much easier to feel like you're the one always doing dinner / bathtime / bedtime [insert any kid task]. I have a super supportive highly engaged husband and we often have to check ourselves before falling in the tit for tat conversation (but i did this yesterday, but I did that two days ago, etc. etc).

Here's what helps: laugh as much as you can, have spontaneous sex and make sure husband has food. Literally if I have sex and keep my husband fed, he will basically do anything I say. And sometimes that's really helpful because if you're a mom, you know moms end up with the mental load and so you just need someone to delegate to who will not push back and so so happily.

This is pretty much my exact experience. Kids are 19 months apart and it was a HARD transition for DH in the beginning. I remember vividly one night his parents were here visiting and DH just took off upstairs by himself. After awhile, I took DS1 up, bathed him and put him in his pajamas and brought him into our room to lie down while I took a shower and got ready for bed. About an hour after I came up and about 2 hours after DH disappeared upstairs, he asks me where the baby was. I told him he was down with his parents, right where he left us, and he got so upset with ME that I just left him with his parents "for that long" and I LOST it on him. That was a turning point for DH, I think he realized he needed to step up, that this was now man:man and we needed to communicate better. A tip I read once and I try to keep in mind, is to treat DH like a guest - tell him where I'm going in the house and what I'm doing. If I go upstairs to fold laundry, I tell him; if I go upstairs for a break to veg on my phone for a few minutes, I tell him - I don't just disappear. And I really try to have regular sex and remember DH's love language.

No real big change for us.

Kids are 19 months apart so when baby 2 was born we were still in the throes of babyhood. Thankfully both babies were/are great sleepers. Baby 1 slept through the night at 4 months old and baby 2 slept through the night by 5 months. They still sleep through the night consistently and are 2 and 4.

DH has a very intense, killer job (big law) and works a lot of hours.

I have a very flexible, work from home job and am not too stressed by all the kid stuff.

Hmmm, it’s interesting. At first, my husband was dealing with a bulging disc in his back and couldn’t really help at all in the newborn days, and that was misery. Luckily, some other family stepped up for awhile when PPA took hold, and when they were done stepping up, I felt justified in getting some part-time help. I work part time, but didn’t need much help beyond preschool with my first. Our helper was a godsend and kind of got our household in working condition again, doing way more for us than childcare. I got so used to being on top of things because of her that once we no longer needed her regularly, I fell into a rhythm and actually enjoy managing our household myself. DH helps where he can, but I actually rely on him less now than I did when we had our one child because I have been forced to adjust a bunch of things and become more capable myself. I am still happy that he’s my DH and my kids’ dad, and we love him, but I have put way less pressure on him lately, so I think he appreciates that. Now, things certainly aren’t perfect and there are times when it’s almost easier when he’s out of town or working late, because I am able to steer the ship, so to speak, but I sense as the kids get older and more capable, this will change.

Early days are tough. I had two under two for a while. There was / is more tension because it's so much easier to feel like you're the one always doing dinner / bathtime / bedtime [insert any kid task]. I have a super supportive highly engaged husband and we often have to check ourselves before falling in the tit for tat conversation (but i did this yesterday, but I did that two days ago, etc. etc).

Here's what helps: laugh as much as you can, have spontaneous sex and make sure husband has food. Literally if I have sex and keep my husband fed, he will basically do anything I say. And sometimes that's really helpful because if you're a mom, you know moms end up with the mental load and so you just need someone to delegate to who will not push back and so so happily.

It was not an issue for us. Our kids are 26 months apart, first was “easy” second was “hard” and horrible sleeper. We didn’t divide things 50/50, but we recognize each other’s strengths. DH has a much easier time waking up and falling asleep with baby so the nights (for the first 18 months) fell mostly on him (70/30 probably). I am more patient (when tested), enjoy the kids more and basically took care of the management of kids, food, nannies, schools, friends, activities, feedings, showers, etc. Also, seeing that DH was willing to do more of something that was really hard for me, helped a lot with me wanting to do more of what was really hard for him (he probably changed 4 popped diapers in his whole life).

We just got through year 1 with our #2.

I think it's a bigger transition for the man than the woman. I was used to going 100 miles per hour and still feeling inadequate. DH hadn't yet experienced that with #1, so he had a lot of extra stress to deal with

Having said that, open communication and not letting resentment build up are key. No scorekeeping.

Variables at play:

How far apart the kids? (Close together makes it much harder.)
Does one or both spouses have a super intense job?
Easy baby or hard baby?
Is one parent completely ineffectual and behaves as if he/she can't watch child(ren) alone? (With two, you have to be comfortable having both kids alone to give the other parent legitimate breaks.)

I have older kids now. Here is where I came out on above questions.

Decently spaced kids, easy baby, two competent parents, and one with a very intense job. The last thing made our lives challenging at times and tested our marriage at times, but we really did make it through fine with no lasting damage and are better than ever.

Well you're going to hear all sides on this. But I will be a beacon of hope. We were totally fine after #2. It helped A LOT that #2 was a good happy sleeping baby.

But DH and I already had a really solid pretty egalitarian relationship and division of child related duties. I also did not breastfed for whatever that is worth so we were able to divide nighttime duties a bit more than other couples are.

For us we communicate as soon as someone gets annoyed. Two big rules in our house, 1) if you're annoyed, speak up and address it, no wallowing and 2) assume the best about each other. That helps a lot.

For us #2 folded pretty neatly into our family.

It would be good to hear from parents with kids of all ages - I've heard the early days can be tough