Anonymous wrote:Yes, but sometimes I have to tell him what I need from him. Like, please just listen so I can get this off my chest. Or, when you pile on when I complain, I know you're trying to commiserate, but it makes me feel worse.

I do struggle with depression, and for that I go to a therapist and use medication - that's a medical condition that I use professionals to treat. He'll talk to me about it if I want to, but to listen, not treat.

This. My DH has a tendency to want to strategize on how to solve the problem, or think about it logically. That's helpful at some point, but usually, I just say that i want a hug and need to just sit with it for a while.

DH doesn't know how to support me emotionally whatsoever, not just in super hard times. It's something I really struggle with. I'm really disappointed with his skills in this area. But I also struggle with whether my expectations of him are reasonable. I'm actively working on building emotion support strategies that don't involve him, because I see how important it is to have support. And I doubt he will ever naturally be a good support to me. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm working on it.

No. I get a “sorry,” and that’s it.

It seems like a self reinforcing cycle between OP and DH.

Op- you are keeping you vulnerability and emotions from him because you fear his judgement and his anxiety. This in turn makes him into an even bigger worry wot.

You should recognize that his anxiety comes out of his care and love for you. The worst case scenario - no matter- how absurd is him trying to protect you (and himself). If you are able to both indulge yourself and his fears with him it will be better for both of you.

Of course! He doesn’t always know exactly what to say, and sometimes there’s nothing he can say to make things better (like the time my best friend was killed in a car accident) but he seems to know when I need affection, or when I need space, and he’ll do little things for me like bring me my favorite meal or snack or pick up extra chores around the house to just try to make my life easier.

He’s always there when I need him but I’m a pretty even keeled person so I don’t have a lot of emotional highs or lows. He’s very analytic and thoughtful so he’s a great sounding board and not judgemental.

I’ve had to teach him how to support me. After our stillbirth, he wanted to logic all the reasons I shouldn’t be sad. It led to a blow up fight (we never have blow up fights) where I screamed at him “just hold me while I cry”. He very meekly replied “that’s it? That’s all I have to do?”. After that it got much better.

But I also have a circle of friends that I lean on because I know DH’s limits.

My husband is incredibly supportive; however, in the months after my parents died (6 months apart) we had 2 kids under 2, he struggled with being supportive. We had a newborn and I was grieving. I didn't want my kids to see me cry, so I held it all in and had outbursts of anger. All this to say, that even the strongest people suffer when their loved one is suffering.
I am glad you are coming out of it and feeling stronger.

It sounds like you expect him to accommodate your depression, but you cannot accommodate his anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:Not really. His immediate response to any difficulty in my life is "what are you doing about it?"

THIS! I have good friends and a therapist when needed.

Not really. His immediate response to any difficulty in my life is "what are you doing about it?"

Yes, but sometimes I have to tell him what I need from him. Like, please just listen so I can get this off my chest. Or, when you pile on when I complain, I know you're trying to commiserate, but it makes me feel worse.

I do struggle with depression, and for that I go to a therapist and use medication - that's a medical condition that I use professionals to treat. He'll talk to me about it if I want to, but to listen, not treat.

No. He has a bad tendency to tell me how he thinks I should feel, and argue with me if I feel the "wrong" way. He's fine if I just need a hug or had a crap day at work, but I don't go to him for big stuff.

No, but I can in my father or brothers. Plus women friends. DH believes “emotions are weakness.” NoW all he does is work, but we do have all daughters so I guess no one can count on him for listening, empathy, understanding or support. Just cliches.

I am going through a very difficult time emotionally and logistically re: my aging parents. My DH and I have financial resources and are raising two young children. I am finally emerging from a situational depression with the help of a therapist (bu not my DH) and am feeling my zest for life and my future returning.

But my DH is a drag, and when I am upset, he in turn gets very anxious and goes to worst case scenarios, which he taunts me with. I need a hug and someone to help me sort it out - not someone who can't handle his own sh*t or create some space for me to.

How many women are married or partnered with a man who actually has some emotional strength?