I would just caution against family "help." Most of the people I know who use a lot of family help spend half the time complaining that the parents/in-laws don't listen or follow any directions.

HHI of 400K or so can afford paid help. I'd prefer that unless your parents are really amazing.

Anonymous wrote:Why not get a nanny, au pair or even a housekeeper? That would be cheaper than having your dh quit his job.

I can't imagine asking parents to do more because you want to work more. I do think Asian grandparents think this way, but I've never seen it in white families. Hell, most of my friends don't even get postpartum help or help during cancer treatments from their extended family, let alone because they want to go for law firm partner.

Lol, I had the same thought. My kids are older, but when they were young and my parents lived nearby (about a 45 minute drive) they would watch my kids once a year for a couple hours so Dh and I could go out to dinner.

Once a year.
For 2-3 hours.

I can't imagine asking them to GIVE UP THEIR CAREER and financial security for retirement, so I could get free childcare full time. Wow.

Also know 2 dads who took time off when wife was in residency.

We do not do this regularly. Family's not close.

I have to travel occasionally, and when I do for a week or more, we ask one of my parents to come help out for a few days. Daycare has a 9 hour limit, neither of us can work a full day and make both pickup and drop off, the extra adult makes all the difference. But asking them to do that on a continual basis is not feasible.

My DH has made some compromises for my career though. He turned down a very good job prospect in Harrisonburg because it's just not commutable from DC. He also took his current job with more flexibility over one with a bit more pay because my hours aren't flexible and having one parent who doesn't have to take leave for every delayed school opening is a huge help. He is doing a version of his "dream job" while I am doing a much less rewarding job for more money and benefits, so it seems like a fair trade.

I stay home and DH goes out and works hard.

I know 3 STay at home dads. 1 dad I think is kind of lazy with 3 elementary kids. 1 had a huge career and is retired and mom works now. Third has a law firm partner wife.

I would NEVER ask my partner to stay home and give up a career as I would be really irked if somebody requested that of me. That being said, if your combined income is 300K and could go up to 375K, this seems like a problem money can solve. Hire someone to help you! au pair, live-in nanny, etc

How old are your kids? If they're slightly older (sounds like they're in elementary?) and you have the space, the most cost-effective option would be to get an au pair and a car for the au pair. One of the VPs where I work has twins in elementary school and an au pair, and this arrangement seems to have worked out well.

Why not get a nanny, au pair or even a housekeeper? That would be cheaper than having your dh quit his job.

I can't imagine asking parents to do more because you want to work more. I do think Asian grandparents think this way, but I've never seen it in white families. Hell, most of my friends don't even get postpartum help or help during cancer treatments from their extended family, let alone because they want to go for law firm partner.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to PP for the gender-neutral response. This is hard in my male-dominated industry.

DH and I currently have equal incomes. My potential is probably higher. I’m 6 years younger, and have a couple of promotions sitting on the horizon if I commit to them.

Benefits are all mine. Both companies offer them, but mine are better. (Not always the case... 5 years ago we used his health insurance).

Parents are semi-retired and semi-local. They’re great for a week of summer “camp”, but not sick days.

We both make more than childcare, about $150k each. My promotion potential would go up to $225. I’m just tired of the hassle of scrambling for snow-day care, teacher workdays, sick days. Would be so much easier if he could just stay home with them.

Why don’t you get an au pair? All of the above are what au pairs are great for.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to PP for the gender-neutral response. This is hard in my male-dominated industry.

DH and I currently have equal incomes. My potential is probably higher. I’m 6 years younger, and have a couple of promotions sitting on the horizon if I commit to them.

Benefits are all mine. Both companies offer them, but mine are better. (Not always the case... 5 years ago we used his health insurance).

Parents are semi-retired and semi-local. They’re great for a week of summer “camp”, but not sick days.

We both make more than childcare, about $150k each. My promotion potential would go up to $225. I’m just tired of the hassle of scrambling for snow-day care, teacher workdays, sick days. Would be so much easier if he could just stay home with them.

How old are your children? How old is DH? Does he and can he go back to work? All this factors into whether DH steps out of the workforce at this point.

Honestly, if you think this will make things easier, he is on board, and you can afford it, why not?

Anonymous wrote:I work FT for the feds; DH works FT in the private sector. We haven't made long-term changes in the way we work, though we have asked for family support for specific periods of time. Example:

- When DD was born, my mom and his mom switched off to provide FT childcare from the time I went back to work (3 months postpartum) until she started daycare at 10 months.

It will be important to my career to take one of several 12-month rotations in the next 3-4 years. These rotations involve long (12-14 hour) days, so we have already started talking to our parents about whether they could provide childcare help. They were more than willing, so hopefully they'll remain in good health. We're very lucky to have relatively healthy parents who are willing to help us out.

I realize my examples are all about help to my career. I should note that DH has been able to get more flexible jobs (he currently works from home), so we haven't had to ask for family support for his career.

I work FT for the feds; DH works FT in the private sector. We haven't made long-term changes in the way we work, though we have asked for family support for specific periods of time. Example:

- When DD was born, my mom and his mom switched off to provide FT childcare from the time I went back to work (3 months postpartum) until she started daycare at 10 months.

It will be important to my career to take one of several 12-month rotations in the next 3-4 years. These rotations involve long (12-14 hour) days, so we have already started talking to our parents about whether they could provide childcare help. They were more than willing, so hopefully they'll remain in good health. We're very lucky to have relatively healthy parents who are willing to help us out.

OP here. Thanks to PP for the gender-neutral response. This is hard in my male-dominated industry.

DH and I currently have equal incomes. My potential is probably higher. I’m 6 years younger, and have a couple of promotions sitting on the horizon if I commit to them.

Benefits are all mine. Both companies offer them, but mine are better. (Not always the case... 5 years ago we used his health insurance).

Parents are semi-retired and semi-local. They’re great for a week of summer “camp”, but not sick days.

We both make more than childcare, about $150k each. My promotion potential would go up to $225. I’m just tired of the hassle of scrambling for snow-day care, teacher workdays, sick days. Would be so much easier if he could just stay home with them.

Employers generally either let everyone or nobody go on a snow day, so not sure what you’re getting at here.

Most of these decisions come down to money. Does DH make less than you? What are his benefits? Long term potential? Does he make less than childcare or not much more than it?

I think parental help typically happens when parents are retired already (most ppl here have kids later so parents are retired) or grandma was always a SAHM.

I see a lot of posts about mommy-tracking. I even see posts about calling in external support - grandparents, nanny, etc

But how about the reverse? Anyone called in your spouse to SAH (regardless of gender), parents to retire early to help with childcare, spouse to take a parent-track schedule for flexibility, etc? What was that conversation like? How did things work out?

- Mom, WOH, considering a new promotion but can’t do it with current household duties.

P.S. Employers - if you want gender diversity in the workplace, encourage family-friendly policies for all. Letting men go home on a snow day actually helps women thrive in the workplace.