Dad needed to woop her butt when she started all this

Who cares if she smokes pot? Why isn’t she scared of her father and he puts up with this?

The tattoos and no work ethic are the bigger deals to me. Tell her to drop the guy and she can stay in your house. If not, it’s time to leave.

Who is the trustee now? I would tie up the money somehow in non liquid assets close to her mid twenties just in case she hasn’t shaped up. Her getting cash is the worst thing that could happen to her

I was a hell raiser when I was 18, and took advantage of my single mother. I smoked, drank, told her I hated her. I’m 32 now and make over 100k a year. Throw her out on her own and let her pick herself up

Why not college for the kids? Thats mandatory in my house.
How big is trust fund?

If you can’t raise the age for the trust fund, I’d buy a house for her, but not let her know it’s hers. Just rent it out, maybe she can be one of the roommates, and then let her be on her own.

Is she 18 or 28. Why didn't you send either kid to college and yet they and probably you have trust funds?

Anonymous wrote:She is an adult. You can’t control her body, but you can set house rules:

1) She can live with you as long as she is in school and shows you progress reports
2) She must pay for her own spending aside from housing: phone, insurance, clothes, spending $
3) New drugs in the home
4) She’s on her own with illegal activity of Amy kind: make it clear you will not bail her out or pay for lawyers; etc
5) Reasonable house rules: clean own stuff, contribute to joint chores, call by x time if not coming home. You can’t control who she spends time with and it’s not reasonable to expect she’s never sleeping elsewhere
6) you’d be surprised how little stigma there is about tattoos. I think they’re gross, but t it’s not a hill to die on
7) Teach her budgeting NOW. Say she can live rent-free with you as long adventures you develop a budget together. You Need a Budget software is really good

These are all good suggestions. I don’t like the makeup school idea. Any chance she could attend community college or nursing school? Or even something easier like phlebotomy or sonography? These jobs are portable and in demand. Make up school seems like a total waste.

Anonymous wrote:She is an adult. You can’t control her body, but you can set house rules:

1) She can live with you as long as she is in school and shows you progress reports
2) She must pay for her own spending aside from housing: phone, insurance, clothes, spending $
3) New drugs in the home
4) She’s on her own with illegal activity of Amy kind: make it clear you will not bail her out or pay for lawyers; etc
5) Reasonable house rules: clean own stuff, contribute to joint chores, call by x time if not coming home. You can’t control who she spends time with and it’s not reasonable to expect she’s never sleeping elsewhere
6) you’d be surprised how little stigma there is about tattoos. I think they’re gross, but t it’s not a hill to die on
7) Teach her budgeting NOW. Say she can live rent-free with you as long adventures you develop a budget together. You Need a Budget software is really good

Forgot to mention: get the book Boundaries!

She is an adult. You can’t control her body, but you can set house rules:

1) She can live with you as long as she is in school and shows you progress reports
2) She must pay for her own spending aside from housing: phone, insurance, clothes, spending $
3) New drugs in the home
4) She’s on her own with illegal activity of Amy kind: make it clear you will not bail her out or pay for lawyers; etc
5) Reasonable house rules: clean own stuff, contribute to joint chores, call by x time if not coming home. You can’t control who she spends time with and it’s not reasonable to expect she’s never sleeping elsewhere
6) you’d be surprised how little stigma there is about tattoos. I think they’re gross, but t it’s not a hill to die on
7) Teach her budgeting NOW. Say she can live rent-free with you as long adventures you develop a budget together. You Need a Budget software is really good

It's time for her to support herself. You may not agree with all of her choices, but they are her choices to make. I would not just kick her out. I agree with the counselor that you don't want to sever family ties.

I would sit her down and tell her it's time for her to financially support herself. That means you will stop paying her bills and if she is going to stay with you, she has to pay rent and utilities, plus food if she's eating yours. If she doesn't want to pay rent, she is welcome to move out.

My only rule would be no drugs in the house. But if she's paying rent, I wouldn't set any rules about who she stays out with. If she's an adult paying rent, you don't get a say in that.

Kick her out. Time for her to go to the school of hard knocks. Some people will only learn that way. My sister was murdered when I was 8 and left behind an infant who had some money come to her when she turned 18. Dumbest thing my mom ever did was tell my niece about the money because it went to drugs and alcohol and who knows what crap. She’s in her late 30s and (she and I are only 7 yrs apart, my sister was 14 yrs older than me) generally doing better. Pulled herself together and got a two year nursing degree about 10 years ago, but she’s limited in what jobs she can get due to an arrest for something (not drug related, but protesting or something) when she was young. She had to get pretty down and out before she pulled it somewhat together. I say somewhat because she still has terrible taste in men, but not surprising given her dad murdered her mom and then she was raised by my dysfunctional family.

Anyway, if you can raise the trust fund age, do it. Otherwise I’d just stop talking about it and giving her money from it. She needs to pay rent, car payment etc. Stop giving her money. She’s spoiled.

Sorry OP, I feel like there's a lot more she's not telling you. What's your financial situation and have you had a serious conversation with her about what she want to do to support herself, i.e., put a roof over her head.

I would not pay for the phone since she has money for tattoos. I would not make her lie about staying overnight at a friend's. Instead, I would let her stay with her boyfriend over night, but to let me know where she is. Tattoos are her business. No drugs in the house.

Anonymous wrote:YOu are asking about books?????? I'm Asian and there is no way any of that you described would be tolerated. I would have kicked that 18yo after getting those tats. My house, my rules.

I'm just asking about books because I don't even know where to get good advice! I have talked with a counselor and she didn't really give good advice, she agreed this is insane behavior but that severing the family tie is likely to make it worse, not better.

It's easy to say kick her out, but she likely would be spending more. Time and money in bad situations than she does when she has a home to return to. I'm not sure we are ready to accept that. And my husband isn't for sure, how do you resolve when the two parents want to do different things?

I wish I'd been able to fix this better at 13, 14, 15 years old. Now I have no legal authority but still all the worry

YOu are asking about books?????? I'm Asian and there is no way any of that you described would be tolerated. I would have kicked that 18yo after getting those tats. My house, my rules.

My 18 year old daughter is headed in a direction we don't agree with. I hesitate to kick her out, because I feel that would push her further down a bad path, but it is causing a lot of problems in our household.

- Struggled with high school, graduated in 2018 with a C average. Was caught a few times in high school smoking pot or lying about where she was.

- Now is in a 9 month part-time esthetics (skincare/makeup) program. She is talented with makeup but undisciplined. We live in a small city in the rust belt, to have any real opportunities in that field she'd need to go to a bigger city where people will pay for services. But she doesn't appear to have any interest.

- She lives at home, and she actually does have a large trust fund from a grandparent she can't access until she is 25. We are using it for her education and other allowed expenses, but once she's 25, it's hers and will provide a decent annual income - if it is managed right.

- She started getting pretty extreme tattoos right on her 28th birthday. I mean extreme in terms of size and visibility. She has around 6 now, her most recent one is knuckle tattoos that say "FEARLESS." I could have died when she got it. She is paying for them with money she makes at a part time retail job. And remember... Going into skin care as a profession! Knuckle tattoos are insane for an 18 year old white girl from the Midwest who wants to be an esthetician. When asked why, she just said "Because I can."

- has started dating a 31 year old guy she met on tinder, whose ex wife had just moved out 2 weeks prior with their 4 year old kid. Met him once, he seems like a loser, not surprisingly. This past weekend she lied about staying at a friend's and we found out she stayed at his house. Remember she still lives with us.

It's constant drama and fighting with us. She doesn't want to follow any sort of house rules and I know she is still using pot. I'm worried if we kicked her out she would just move in with Loser dude (he already gave her a key, they've only been talking a few weeks). She always fought us on going on birth control and swore she wasn't active, but last week I finally talked her into going and choosing between an IUD and arm implant, so that should be put in soon.

FWIW, we also have a 21 year old son who is totally well-adjusted, works hard and reliably at a job, and is in school to become a paramedic and maybe in the future transfer for a nursing or other type of degree. He also has the trust fund at 25, but does not behave like this. I feel like an awful parent with my 18 year old, but she is just so difficult and has been for 5+ years. How can I do so well with my first child and have such an out of control second?

What would you do in this scenario? My husband (her dad) took away her phone we pay for after her lying about where she was overnight, but she just got one of her friends to give her an old phone, and I guess she set up service. I'm emotionally ready to kick her out, but I'm certain she'd just move in with the 31 year old boyfriend and I worry she'd get into worse drugs, drop out of her esthetics program, and possibly not go to get her birth control or just generally go down an even worse path. My husband does not want to kick her out. We pay for everything, including car, insurance, etc.

Any book recommendations are also greatly recommended.