Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for twenty years and I still love my in-laws. I'm still friends with my ex too. And my mom thought he was just awesome, he loved my mom a lot too. He loves my sister and brothers. We all just love the heck out of each other.

Then why’d you get divorced?

Of course! They are family.

I think this refusal to accept in laws as family is the root cause of a lot of the in law drama (on both sides, family refusing to accept the ILs and ILs refusing to accept the family).

I don't know them and love them the same way I do my own siblings and parents but I immediately put them on 'my team' so to speak. I'd drop everything for them as quickly as for my birth family.

DH is my family, so they are my family.

I do. They've treated me like family from the very beginning. They aren't perfect but neither is my family. But they've known me since I was 17 and honestly took on some of the parenting that I needed as a young adult. My husband was a shy lonely nerdy teenager, and I think they're grateful he met someone who loves him and brought him out of his shell some.

Some people (a minority for sure!) love their in-laws.

But the more specific issue of whether people instantly feel like family is a different matter. I think it’s absurd to expect someone to automatically feel “love” for people they barely know.

My husband’s family was like this when we got married. I think they considered themselves, and wanted to be, very welcoming. I found it cloying and a little ridiculous.

I've been divorced for twenty years and I still love my in-laws. I'm still friends with my ex too. And my mom thought he was just awesome, he loved my mom a lot too. He loves my sister and brothers. We all just love the heck out of each other.

Yes. Met the extended in-laws (DH's cousins and their families) when we traveled to his country of origin and loved them instantly.

I love my extended family. I even love some new family that I just met through Ancestry DNA, seriously! But I don’t love my in-laws. They are very unlikeable. Actually, I do love my husband’s niece, mostly because she hasn’t been e turkey poisoned by them yet. I sort of pity my MIL. I love my BIL’s partner. But not my MIL, FIL, SIL, or BIL. Glad they have. Small family and I don’t need to deal with them often.

I think my Dh loves one of my cousins and loved one of my brother who has since died. If he likes any of the others, I consider it a win. I don’t expect love.

Do you stay in touch with them between visits, if you only see them once or twice a year, OP? We live in th US and my in-laws are all in another country but we stay in touch with them so know them well. That helps.

I think your issue may be that you feel you're expected to be all in on hugging and "smooching" from the minute you marry into the family. That's their style and maybe not your style -- but it has little to do with love. You can love them and not be a demonstrative, kissing type of person towards them.

How long have you been married? Try finding common interests with them and communicating more often and you may like then greatly even if you'd not call it love. It's OK not to love them but it's a pity if you miss out on friendship and common ground with them due to not really communicating.

For the record, I do love my in-laws though most of them I see only once a year. My MIL died very recently and she was someone I loved very much. I think my spouse's uncle and aunts and sister are all incredibly sweet, smart, thoughtful people I admire and love. Maybe it helps that I've been married a long time so know them well. And FYI, they're not a huggy, kissy bunch and that's OK with me--though I'm a demonstrative one!

I like my SIL and her husband. We probably wouldn't be friends if we weren't related, but they're really nice.

Nope. Would not want to be in the same room as them if I didn't marry their son.

Definitely

I like my MIL and one of her sisters. Everyone else is non-toxic but a drag.

-DH

Yes, definitely. I especially love my sister’s in-laws, as she’s been married into their family for 39 years.

Yes

I have several extended in-law relatives that seem to act like the minute you joined the family they love you and you are expected to love them. They kiss, smooch , say we love you, expect your kids to love them. It recently occurred to me that I have never once felt any type of "love" for any of them. I don't dislike them. I'm fine spending time with them. I don't get into the drama. I love my nuclear family but the extended ones are all more in the acquaintance category for me especially the ones that we see at most once or twice a year. I mentioned this to a friend and she laughed saying that no one " actually loves the extended relatives.