and, p.s., you are a dork.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you are feeling uncomfortable about your feelings for this guy and looking for reasons why it won’t work? What is this triggering in you, that you are having a strong reaction to this information? Next week you’ll be posting about his past relationships. Figure out what your issue is first.

+1 you are looking for trouble, OP. Drug use 20 years ago (and coke and pills were both used socially then) is NOT a bombshell. If you don’t like him enough, cut bait, but don’t pretend this is a good reason.

Is it possible you are feeling uncomfortable about your feelings for this guy and looking for reasons why it won’t work? What is this triggering in you, that you are having a strong reaction to this information? Next week you’ll be posting about his past relationships. Figure out what your issue is first.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seeing a guy for a little more than a month now and we’ve really hit it off. Similar interests, easy conversation, chemistry. But last night, he dropped a bombshell: he used to dabble pretty hard with pills and coke, but he’s been clean 23 years. I’m 45 he’s 48, so he was like 25? He told me this so nonchalantly yet matter of factly as we were discussing a book I’m reading about opioids. I didn’t know what to say, but thinking about it all day, I don’t know how I should feel or how to proceed. Is this a deal breaker? How do I know if this is a deal breaker? I mean he has a career and a house and all of that, doesn’t seem like he uses drugs. I don’t even know what to think.

I know what to think: you are a dork.

Anonymous wrote:Coke and pills in the late 80s/ early 90s ending at 25? Sounds like 75% of the young professionals living in NYC then. I might understand your concern if he was really an addict in the sense that he had to go to residential rehab to kick it... only because truly addictive personalities tend to spill into other areas of life. But just did a bunch of drugs 25 years ago when he was super young? No concern at all.

This. It would a non-issue for me. You could say the same of many, many of my friends, none of whom have addiction issues later in life.

Anonymous wrote:You clearly did not live in NYC in your 20s.

Coke was a fun drug. Thank god I could never afford it

Coke and pills in the late 80s/ early 90s ending at 25? Sounds like 75% of the young professionals living in NYC then. I might understand your concern if he was really an addict in the sense that he had to go to residential rehab to kick it... only because truly addictive personalities tend to spill into other areas of life. But just did a bunch of drugs 25 years ago when he was super young? No concern at all.

You clearly did not live in NYC in your 20s.

The drugs themselves are probably not an issue if this person truly has been sober for over two decades.

The thing to learn about, which will take time, is what was underlying the need to take drugs. In some cases there are personality profiles of drug abusers. Some can tend toward codependency, others narcicism. Some have manipulative behaviors. You might want to learn more about addictive personalities and be on the lookout for red flags. Your romantic interest may be very self aware and well past any issues, but only you can judge if this relationship is a good fit for you.

At least he isn't going to be one of those people who starts using drugs during their midlife crisis. If anything, some of my MOST anti-drug friends are the ones who did hard stuff in their 20s because they've been there, done that, and know how stupid it is. The ones I worry about are the ones who didn't do anything and want to prove they are young and cool in their 40s.

I would not worry AT ALL if he is 23 years clean. Think about how much most people change in two decades.

The likelihood of a middle aged person who is 23 years clean going back is pretty much nothing. Most of my friends (who are a good, stable, professional bunch with good careers and many have families) did some dumb things in their teens and 20s and wouldn't go back to that stuff.

In fact, the fact that he was nonchalant about it is probably a good thing.

OP, I think your doubts are normal. It would give me pause as well. I wouldn't know how to react, either, because I never really did that stuff. But I have great friends who did, and upon reflection I think the fact that this guy dropped it into conversation to casually let you know is a GREAT thing. And early in the relationship so you can decide what to do. He isn't keeping secrets. Using drugs as a youth is also normal. If he quit drugs by the time he was 25 ... very normal, very appropriate. And he's been 23 years clean.

You need to tell him what you are thinking and feeling and the fact that this gave you pause because you are really unfamiliar with it and maybe can you ask him some questions (you do have questions, right?). And go from there.

Seriously, most young adults who abuse alcohol or drugs just grow out of it. Why on earth it would be a deal breaker is beyond me.

You think “he used to be into drugs and he has since matured” — wow, you seem awfully picky for a single 45-year-old. Heaven help him if he has a wrinkle or a gray hair!

I’ve been seeing a guy for a little more than a month now and we’ve really hit it off. Similar interests, easy conversation, chemistry. But last night, he dropped a bombshell: he used to dabble pretty hard with pills and coke, but he’s been clean 23 years. I’m 45 he’s 48, so he was like 25? He told me this so nonchalantly yet matter of factly as we were discussing a book I’m reading about opioids. I didn’t know what to say, but thinking about it all day, I don’t know how I should feel or how to proceed. Is this a deal breaker? How do I know if this is a deal breaker? I mean he has a career and a house and all of that, doesn’t seem like he uses drugs. I don’t even know what to think.