I certainly wouldn’t go to a bar with the plan to flirt or “party.” But it’s toally fine (and good) for you to have healthy hobbies and outside interests so that you are not looking to your husband to meet every need you have (book club, volunteer commitments, hobbies, sports, etc).

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have hit rock bottom and just started couples therapy. Both our faults, no cheating. I want to re-build. He’s not so sure. My girlfriends are all telling me to dress up and go out without him to give him some perspective. But wouldn’t that back fire? Would DH see that as me giving up on trying and not caring?

We have 2 under 3. Unfortunately neither of us goes out alone unless it’s a work recruiting event or similar. Before kids we each went out regularly with our own friends.

Get hot for yourself and your self esteem! Go out to have a fun well-rounded life.

Yes, but never to just go to a bar with the girls. I'm involved in book clubs and other things that my DH isn't interested in but whatever the event is it rarely lasts past 8pm. I like being with my DH.

If things were not great and my wife went out to flirt I would probably say ‘have a nice life’. I’d fight for her if we had something but if it’s at rock bottom and she wants to put out feelers it basically means she has given up and so should I.

We go out separately sure. But we have a good marriage and go out to spend time with friends. I dress up but not to attract or flirt with other men, just to look put together (no excessive cleavage or anything).

Take the advice of your marriage counselor, not your girlfriends. They aren't privy to both sides of the story.

I go out with friends for dinner 1-2x a month. I also go to book club. DH and I have a weekly date too. And we also go out with friends together.

IF your husband has said to you that you are always dressed frumpily, then I can understand getting a makeover or wearing nice clothes and making an attempt to look nice. Otherwise, what do you think this will achieve? Your problems don't seem to be cosmetic, so why go for a cosmetic solution?

I do think that men tend to slack off on relationships when they think you can't/won't pull interest from anyone else. When they see that other (more attractive) men are interested in you, and you could potentially trade in for a better model, they tend to put in a little more effort.

Also, there's nothing wrong with dressing up and going out when married. Plenty of people do it because it's fun, not that they've given up. It's very healthy to have a life outside of your marriage.

It's hard to advise when we don't know your issues.

In my relationship, one of our issues was that DH went out constantly and left me dealing with the home stuff, so my going out would be positive according to our counselor, but not a "gotcha."

Yes, I go out without him. But we have a great marriage and I don't do it to give him perspective or make him jealous. I do it because I want to spend time with girlfriends and I enjoy getting dressed up and playing around with my hair and make up (something I don't get to do often given my career).

I don't think your plan would work. Because he's either not going to care and you'll get mad that he doesn't care or he will get mad/jealous and that will lead to other issues.

Listen to the counselor for advice, not your girlfriends.

Not sure why things are so bad with your DH, but if the problem is that you are not connecting and lost interest (on both side) this is what I would do.

Dress up (sexy) go out with your girlfriends, drink, flirt, have fun and then come home at 2am wake him up and have sex.

If you have other issues then this won’t work

Yes but I make sure to take my sunglasses off ?

DH and I have hit rock bottom and just started couples therapy. Both our faults, no cheating. I want to re-build. He’s not so sure. My girlfriends are all telling me to dress up and go out without him to give him some perspective. But wouldn’t that back fire? Would DH see that as me giving up on trying and not caring?