Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the marriage you are modeling and the values that keep you there what you would want your kids to internalize?

That's the question I wish my mom had asked herself during my childhood...

SO much this. Except that both of my parents should have asked themselves this question. It's not solely my mom's fault.

And if there's a lot of conflict, or you don't get along to the point that it affects your ability to parent your children effectively, think very carefully about staying together. Kids know what's going on, and can be harmed from being raised in the context of a lousy marriage. Yeah, divorce is a PITA, but so are parents who are miserable together.

As someone who rode out a rough patch and has a better marriage now, I would say yes. Believing in others, not giving up easily, having patience, prioritizing family, taking a long-term view, forgiving others and seeking forgiveness for my own failures, are very much the values I want to show my kids. We all benefit immensely in the long term from not giving up when things are hard.

I believe that adults can control what comes out of their own mouths. There is no reason you need to fight in front of the children. If that is the problem, stop doing it. Grow up and control yourselves. Some things are not within our control but you can choose what you say with your own mouth.

Right, and when one spouse refuses to stop insulting, belittling, and swearing at their spouse, it’s irresponsible to stay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the marriage you are modeling and the values that keep you there what you would want your kids to internalize?

That's the question I wish my mom had asked herself during my childhood...

SO much this. Except that both of my parents should have asked themselves this question. It's not solely my mom's fault.

And if there's a lot of conflict, or you don't get along to the point that it affects your ability to parent your children effectively, think very carefully about staying together. Kids know what's going on, and can be harmed from being raised in the context of a lousy marriage. Yeah, divorce is a PITA, but so are parents who are miserable together.

As someone who rode out a rough patch and has a better marriage now, I would say yes. Believing in others, not giving up easily, having patience, prioritizing family, taking a long-term view, forgiving others and seeking forgiveness for my own failures, are very much the values I want to show my kids. We all benefit immensely in the long term from not giving up when things are hard.

I believe that adults can control what comes out of their own mouths. There is no reason you need to fight in front of the children. If that is the problem, stop doing it. Grow up and control yourselves. Some things are not within our control but you can choose what you say with your own mouth.

Anonymous wrote:Is the marriage you are modeling and the values that keep you there what you would want your kids to internalize?

That's the question I wish my mom had asked herself during my childhood...

SO much this. Except that both of my parents should have asked themselves this question. It's not solely my mom's fault.

And if there's a lot of conflict, or you don't get along to the point that it affects your ability to parent your children effectively, think very carefully about staying together. Kids know what's going on, and can be harmed from being raised in the context of a lousy marriage. Yeah, divorce is a PITA, but so are parents who are miserable together.

I don't know. I agree, we stayed together because of kids, and it has definitely gotten better. There were a couple of years where I couldn't imagine spending the next 30-40 years with my spouse. Really made me recoil in horror.

I've just accepted the fact that I am married and marriage is good overall. It is better for me, better for the kids to have a stable, good man in the house with us. Logistically, it makes things easier to have a partner.

I do feel I'm missing out on joy, but I might not have that joy anyway without DH in the house. So. Here I am.

I like the PP who said once she embraced the idea that she chose the stay her resentment evaporated. I'd like to to take that a step further and find joy in marriage again.

What is the reward of staying with somebody I feel lukewarm about for the next 30 years? Stability. Children. Grandchildren. Platonic love and care. Sex, because yes, we have sex even though I don't really feel that way about him at all, I can have and almost enjoy the sex.

Is the marriage you are modeling and the values that keep you there what you would want your kids to internalize?

That's the question I wish my mom had asked herself during my childhood...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man who is a great dad and an indifferent spouse? This marriage can be turned around.

An indifferent dad and an indifferent spouse? RUN.

An indifferent dad and an attentive spouse? He is looking at your money. RUN.

OP here. Our situation: two really great parents who simply don't have much in common with each other. We each recognize that the marriage was a mistake, but we are committed to the kids.

My marriage is great overall, but if I were in your shoes, I don't know... I've had bad relationships and couldn't imagine forcing myself to accept a bad relationship and "fight for it" if it wasn't really what I wanted for myself. Who wants to look back at 80 years old and say wow, I should have gotten out what I had the chance and found a better situation.

In the short-term, I could see staying put and focusing on the positives. Divorce is difficult. I think you have to be truly unhappy to pursue it. You also need to consider what you would gain from a divorce. Long term, who wants to stay in a bland marriage? This isn't the 1600s. Women have jobs. We aren't property. We live in a country where you can start fresh. No one is going to throw acid on you for leaving your husband.

Consider this: can you live this way with someone you have lukewarm feelings about for another 30+ years? What is the reward? Our society values the idea of saving marriages but in the end, is being married for 50 years such a great achievement if you really weren't happy all those years? Sounds like surviving an endurance test.

Anonymous wrote:A man who is a great dad and an indifferent spouse? This marriage can be turned around.

An indifferent dad and an indifferent spouse? RUN.

An indifferent dad and an attentive spouse? He is looking at your money. RUN.

OP here. Our situation: two really great parents who simply don't have much in common with each other. We each recognize that the marriage was a mistake, but we are committed to the kids.

A man who is a great dad and an indifferent spouse? This marriage can be turned around.

An indifferent dad and an indifferent spouse? RUN.

An indifferent dad and an attentive spouse? He is looking at your money. RUN.

Well, my kids haven't left yet, but I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, both emotionally and financially. Sometimes it's extremely challenging. Other times it's good. For us the problem is one spouse's refusal to care for their mental health issues, and the stressful professional and private consequences.

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in a marriage that was bad for a while and eventually it got better. Things are hard when the kids are little.

Divorce is a lifelong pain in the ass for everyone, and I was not willing to undertake it without trying everything. We were able to get to a place of more contentment and while it is not perfect, it is better than divorce for me.

+1

The main reasons I have not divorced are kids and finances. Our marriage is not great, but not horrible either. We are at a place of easy cohabitation and I have made my peace with it.

I do. Staying is not for the benefit of the kids, it's for the benefit of everyone. I did not want to give up time with the kids, nor with the grandkids I hope to have. Nor did I want the financial problems, selling the house, complexities of stepfamilies, etc. Once I realized I was choosing to stay as my own preference (because of the kids but not k
*for* them), a lot of my resentment dissipated.

Sometimes it helps to not try so hard. Focus on enjoying what you can enjoy, taking care of your health, and being kind.

What steps are you taking to improve the marriage?

I agree with the above poster. Marriage is long. When kids are little, and you are still establishing your career, it’s hard. Life gets easier. Our marriage got good again.

I stayed in a marriage that was bad for a while and eventually it got better. Things are hard when the kids are little.

Divorce is a lifelong pain in the ass for everyone, and I was not willing to undertake it without trying everything. We were able to get to a place of more contentment and while it is not perfect, it is better than divorce for me.

I'm interested in getting feedback from people whose kids are now grown-up, so that they have the benefit of hindsight. When you look back and ponder your life and the decision you made -- to stay in your marriage -- do you feel it was the right decision?

My marriage is lifeless. We are not compatible on many levels. But we can navigate around each other in order to keep the peace for the benefit of the kids (who are in elementary school).

If we had didn't have kids, we would separate tomorrow. But we don't want to hurt our children.