So you're talking about a divorce and you expect kind words? You could both say what he said and you could both be right.

It’s controlling and emotionally abusive. You’re right to divorce him, because it will wear on you over time. I hope the divorce is amicable and that you’re able to move on reasonably quickly.

Ok- thanks for the insight. I can see how some of those issues might be at play here. In my own self all I could see/think was that he was trying to hurt my feelings. But I also know that most often we are not cause of someone else’s actions. So I wanted help to think of ways to understand.

And- I missed my therapy appointment yesterday so I had to crowdsource it on here! Thanks!!!

Don't focus on the why, use. The energy to get out.

Could he be projecting?

To say it so boldly is new for him/us but the undercurrent has been there for a few years.
I do understand he is scared- hell, I am too. This is clearly not what we envisioned years ago and the next year will bring intense change.
My therapist says to not engage & instead redirect to talk about the future. Which I do. But damn- it’s draining

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so we are talking divorce. And spouse keeps saying stuff like ‘you would be nothing without me’ and ‘I made you everything you are’. FWIW I met him at 30- after I had 2 graduate degrees and the same (not fancy government) job that I have now.
I am not looking to bash him- just understand. In the context of a divorce, what is the motivating reason for folks to say these types of things? I think if I can understand the reasoning behind the feelings I can diffuse the situation better.
We have a kid- hence why I’m looking to build stability.

It’s defuse, not diffuse.

Lots of possibilities since we don’t know him:

He’s hurt and lashing out
He’s controlling and abusive
He’s delusional and narcissistic

He's trying to put you down so that you'll feel inadequate and small. As you point out, these comments are ridiculous, but he's not trying to be rational, and he's certainly not trying to be helpful. He's doing two things: (1) undermine your self confidence, and (2) express his contempt for you. There's a substantial body of research about expressions of contempt and what they say about a relationship. Nutshell version: once a partner starts expressing contempt, the relationship is usually done. Google this - you'll find plenty of articles on this subject.

It sounds like you're on the way out of this marriage. Whether you are or not, help yourself by detaching enough so you're aware of his motivations for making inappropriate comments, and work to maintain your boundaries so those comments don't have their intended effect.

Well, why are you getting a divorce? I assume this kind of behavior isn’t in isolation? Or is it out of character for him?

My guess: he’s in pain and is trying to make you feel as miserable as he does; he’s trying to exert some control; he’s angry; he’s hurt; he’s sad. It’s middle school behavior but divorce does make people regress and can bring out the worst in them. Unless this is typical for him and he’s just an a-hole in general — it’s really hard to say without some more context.

Say " what" and look really confused

Sometimes arguments are a way of keeping you together and engaged. He's trying to argue about something.

"If you say so, Bob."

He has abandonment issues. To me, saying manipulative stuff like that qualifies as emotional/mental abuse.

Sounds like he's insecure.

Ok, so we are talking divorce. And spouse keeps saying stuff like ‘you would be nothing without me’ and ‘I made you everything you are’. FWIW I met him at 30- after I had 2 graduate degrees and the same (not fancy government) job that I have now.
I am not looking to bash him- just understand. In the context of a divorce, what is the motivating reason for folks to say these types of things? I think if I can understand the reasoning behind the feelings I can diffuse the situation better.
We have a kid- hence why I’m looking to build stability.