Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for 10 years. We previously lived near my in-laws, but have lived 3 hour plane ride away from them for the past few years.

Since we've moved, my in-laws will now come to visit us anywhere from 7-15 days and stay at our house. They never rent a car and are not much for exploring, so they are in the house with me basically 24-7 during the visit while DH goes to work 11+ hours a day. I usually get along well with the in-laws the first few days they're here, but then it starts to become unbearable due to a number of personality conflicts and issues revolving around politics, money, the way I raise my children, organize my home, and run my kitchen. This has become incredibly stressful on our marriage and has led to a number of major fights between my husband and me.

A few months ago, I told DH that this continual issue is hurting our marriage. I didn't want him to have to choose between them or me, so I suggested that we meet in the middle and limit houseguests (including my parents) to a maximum of five nights. He agreed this was a good solution because he doesn't like to fight with me while his parents visit either. When his parents asked to come for this Christmas, he told them what dates to come, which was five nights long. They kept insisting on staying longer, but DH told them it wouldn't work due to scheduling, plans, etc. In-laws persisted and said things like, "We can entertain ourselves," "We'll stay out of the way", "Just come and go and lead your lives- we can just hang out,", etc. Then DH told them, sorry, these five days are the days that work.

But then in-laws waited until the last minute to book their flights and said they had to come for 10 days because if they came for the five days we told them, they'd have to pay something like $2500 for plane tickets versus $600 total. DH told them to go ahead and book the tickets for the 10 days.

I'm not sure I can take this again. DH refuses to put his foot down and, in my mind, it sounds like he has chosen them over me. DH and I had another talk about this and he said he will be more firm about instilling the five night rule next time, but continues to find it impossible to tell them "no".

Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid this situation again? How do you tactfully tell family that five nights is the max when they keep insisting they won't be in the way, that they have to stay longer due to financial issues, or have any other persistent excuse

1) Have DH take off those days from work and deal with his parents. If he can’t
2) Pack up yourself and the children and go to your parents or other family or friend for the five days or
3) if your DH can take off the time, pack up your entire family and go somewhere for a mini vacation.

Book a hotel for the additional 5 days, using DD’s credit card. “It’s our treat!”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insist that your DH s off work for those 5 additional days and make hm handle meals etc.

+1 for this

+2

And make yourself scarce.

I feel like the 5 nights with you, 5 nights at a hotel is the best choice.
If it were me I would feel like I was kicked out of my house for 5 days to prove a point. We wouldn’t have the means for me to stay at a super nice hotel or take a solo trip. And depending on the dates I wouldn’t necessarily be able to get away. Although if you can afford it and it sounds amazing to you go for it, OP!
I think if DH can take off work for the second 5 days that would also be helpful. However, I think a lot of families plan their vacation time with limited days off so again, those 5 days off would end up feeling like I was being punished again if it meant we couldn’t use them for a future planned trip or other need.

Anonymous wrote:Insist that your DH s off work for those 5 additional days and make hm handle meals etc.

+1 for this

Insist that your DH s off work for those 5 additional days and make hm handle meals etc.

Totally take them up on the “go about your business” and get OUT! It sounds like you stay at home and possibly have little ones.
#1 insist DH at least comes home at decent times.
#2 Make arrangements to go out every day beyond the 5th day you gave them. Tell them you’re sorry but you weren’t expecting guests and had made prior plans which is why you gave them the availability window that you did.
#3 If you have to stay home, have a project that you must finish on a deadline. If you don’t work, make it a family project “I really have to edit photos for my Aunt Rose because she’s making a book. I knew I’d be holed up once the kids go back to school to get it done but we were expecting you for such a long visit.”
#4 Be helping a friend with a project (“Ann simply HAS to get her dining room painted before she hosts her husband’s birthday so I promised to help this week. Bye!”) that you need to go to her. If kids are home, leave them to baby sit. If they are in school, leave the ILs home to entertain themselves just like they said.

Mostly you need to let them see you made time for them for 5 days but then they are imposing for the other 5. If they think you only gave that window arbitrarily then they will abuse it again. Even if you have to make up something, be busy those days. Ideally don’t even come home for meals - have friends meet you for play dates that you TOTALLY had scheduled beforehand. Have a bunch of girlfriends come over for something.

You should go somewhere, OP. Go visit a friend, go for a yoga retreat, whatever floats your boat. Your husband can manage the kids and his parents. You said the timing wouldn’t work...for all they know this was why!

5 nights with you 5 nights in a hotel. that's the rule. DH has to stand up now or never.

I say you go away. I'm also think in laws deliberately created a situation where they *had* to stay 5 days.
Just think how awesome it would be to book yourself into a hotel for some me time, OP.

If it is an option, leave for a few days. Let your DH deal with them 24/7 and see if he isn't more receptive to shorter visits going forward.

They can stay in a hotel after five nights, or you can.

Find them an Air BnB or cheap hotel nearby

I would be furious that he ultimately agreed to the 10 day trip after the two of you discussing the issue, working on a compromise and then folding so quickly. I also don't believe for a second that they were that stuck with those flight options and for those flight costs. Ultimately, he should have suggested they book the trip for a different time if they couldn't work with the original dates.

I would discuss with him a solution for this trip instead of just letting them stay for the full 10 days. Maybe they can stay with you for the first 5 days and then they need to stay at a hotel or AirBnB for the second. I am sure he and they won't like that idea but I think all of them would think twice before doing that again.

How does he feel when your parents visit for a 10 day stay? Does it not bother him or is he bothered in the same way you are when his parents come?

DH and I have been married for 10 years. We previously lived near my in-laws, but have lived 3 hour plane ride away from them for the past few years.

Since we've moved, my in-laws will now come to visit us anywhere from 7-15 days and stay at our house. They never rent a car and are not much for exploring, so they are in the house with me basically 24-7 during the visit while DH goes to work 11+ hours a day. I usually get along well with the in-laws the first few days they're here, but then it starts to become unbearable due to a number of personality conflicts and issues revolving around politics, money, the way I raise my children, organize my home, and run my kitchen. This has become incredibly stressful on our marriage and has led to a number of major fights between my husband and me.

A few months ago, I told DH that this continual issue is hurting our marriage. I didn't want him to have to choose between them or me, so I suggested that we meet in the middle and limit houseguests (including my parents) to a maximum of five nights. He agreed this was a good solution because he doesn't like to fight with me while his parents visit either. When his parents asked to come for this Christmas, he told them what dates to come, which was five nights long. They kept insisting on staying longer, but DH told them it wouldn't work due to scheduling, plans, etc. In-laws persisted and said things like, "We can entertain ourselves," "We'll stay out of the way", "Just come and go and lead your lives- we can just hang out,", etc. Then DH told them, sorry, these five days are the days that work.

But then in-laws waited until the last minute to book their flights and said they had to come for 10 days because if they came for the five days we told them, they'd have to pay something like $2500 for plane tickets versus $600 total. DH told them to go ahead and book the tickets for the 10 days.

I'm not sure I can take this again. DH refuses to put his foot down and, in my mind, it sounds like he has chosen them over me. DH and I had another talk about this and he said he will be more firm about instilling the five night rule next time, but continues to find it impossible to tell them "no".

Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid this situation again? How do you tactfully tell family that five nights is the max when they keep insisting they won't be in the way, that they have to stay longer due to financial issues, or have any other persistent excuses?