When people are passive aggressive like that, I just throw off comments to end such conversation threads:
"Sorry, you feel I judge your grandparenting; that's not my intent."
"Just goes to show you shouldn't just a book by the cover. Tell her I said hello."

My mother has been the same way my entire life, although it occasionally ends up being just plain aggressive. Sometimes I just ignore, sometimes I play dumb, sometimes I give it right back to her. She's deeply insecure, resentful of how things went, and frankly quite a bit jealous. Rather than address those things, she lashes out in various ways. I remind myself that its not me, its her.

IME the single best way to deal w/ passive aggressiveness is to be direct yourself.

"Hey Mom, sounds like you're upset with me. What's wrong?"

Mom, if something I'm doing is bothering you tell me. Otherwise these veiled comments seem like digs."

"Mom, if there's something you need to say to me please tell me directly."

etc... If you can get yourself to do this once or twice it will get easier and you will feel much more empowered.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:"So I take it you're senile, now, Mom. You've spent the Holiday dissing me."

And then don't call her as much after your trip, and she'll get the picture.

My parents are really good to me. Just gush with appreciation. I do quite a bit for them and with them, with our family. All I can say is "you're too kind." I'm not perfect, I just try hard.
But I dont need their approval for myself. If they gave me crap all the time, I wouldn't be thrilled, but I would still work to the a supportive son. I'm their only child. The elderly need a little extra grace, they face challenges the young do not. At some point the wisdom of age and other changes that come with age cross paths and its a downhill roll. Sometimes that time is very very late in life, sometimes earlier.

Anonymous wrote:I’m visiting my parents with my kids this weekend. I’ve noticed that my mom keeps making passive aggressive digs at me. They range from her letting me know (passively) that I’ve aggrieved her, to her pointing out my shortcomings (from however long ago) in bizarro ways. For example, earlier today she passively aggressively “confided” in me that my sister in law makes her feel bad when she scrutinizes her grandparenting “and your sister in law is even worse about ithat than you are!” Ummm. She never directly told me she thought I scrutinized her grandparenting. Wtf. What do you even say to that? I just ignored it but it pissed me off. Or she’ll mentione that she was recently talking with my elementary school teacher and said elementary school teachers jaw nearly dropped when she told her I was in A successful field. Wtf? Again, what to say to that? Sure, I was a late bloomer (like, late as in 5th grade) but have been a successful student and high achiever for over 30 years. Ugh. Venting. But it just makes me sad. And pissed. And guilty that I don’t want to talk with her because I have to keep dodging these bitter comments from her.

Hey, if I heard that, I'd be saying "goes to show you never can tell!" This coming from someone who the G&T (which I think I squeaked by into, by the way, because I'm not G and any T that I have I learned by making mistakes) teacher said "Well then you're just stupid" to. I couldn't spell ngineer and now I are one.

and..."high achiever for over 30 years" - and so modest too!

wait, your old elementary school teacher must be like, on social security by now. That was a LONNNNG time ago.

all kidding aside....your mom is getting older. Brain plasticity. Memories, interpretations, cognitive stuff, they shift with time. The good can get mediocre, the mediocre can get bad, the bad can get intolerable. Its why "honor thy mother and father" is a thing...if it were easy all the time it wouldn't need to be a commandment. You are a grown up now, you can let things roll of your back, even when they come from your parents. She's not your boss. Make sure she knows you love her and dont take the comments personally. Thats a choice you can make.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mom is lonely....

...depressed, jealous, lonely, and sad people throw shade. Never have met a happy person who does.

I’d ask her straight up what’s happening with her... I’d ask if she were feeling ok or needed to talk.

If she’s old, she may open up, or she may deflect and accuse you of being crazy/nitpicky/or (insert negative attribute here).

Sometimes old people regret what they never did in life or just getting old in general. You all remind her that she is old. She is being a hater.

Ignore her shade though. It’s her, not you.

Yes. This. Op here. She said something this weekend that made me feel genuinely sorry for her about how she lost her best friend and the only person she could be snarky with (15 years ago), but as soon as I started to have sympathy she went back to dropping digs at me.

"So I take it you're senile, now, Mom. You've spent the Holiday dissing me."

And then don't call her as much after your trip, and she'll get the picture.

Remember, Americans are now the nation of the perpetually offended. Offended = empowered. You can 'demand an apology'.

"I apologize for all my shortcomings"

Best line, I think from "gone with the wind." Now, I deliver it with out a hint of sarcasm, in fact I deliver it with genuine sorrow. In hopes it can move things along. If you can convince someone that theyve really made you sorry, you've done something.

No advice but my mom has started doing tbe same thing. I think it’s old age. Give me patience!

"Hmm, that's interesting". Don't own it. It's not about you.

"Wow mom, that's a mean thing to tell me."

"Wow mom, I didn't know you had a problem with SIL and me."

Sounds like your mom is lonely....

...depressed, jealous, lonely, and sad people throw shade. Never have met a happy person who does.

I’d ask her straight up what’s happening with her... I’d ask if she were feeling ok or needed to talk.

If she’s old, she may open up, or she may deflect and accuse you of being crazy/nitpicky/or (insert negative attribute here).

Sometimes old people regret what they never did in life or just getting old in general. You all remind her that she is old. She is being a hater.

Ignore her shade though. It’s her, not you.

You should say something immediately when she makes a remark. Clear the air. Just say, “ What do you mean?” Tell her that you find it hurtful. Good Luck. Just stand up for yourself.

Keep saying “So I take it that upsets you?” While you look at her quizzically.

I’m visiting my parents with my kids this weekend. I’ve noticed that my mom keeps making passive aggressive digs at me. They range from her letting me know (passively) that I’ve aggrieved her, to her pointing out my shortcomings (from however long ago) in bizarro ways. For example, earlier today she passively aggressively “confided” in me that my sister in law makes her feel bad when she scrutinizes her grandparenting “and your sister in law is even worse about ithat than you are!” Ummm. She never directly told me she thought I scrutinized her grandparenting. Wtf. What do you even say to that? I just ignored it but it pissed me off. Or she’ll mentione that she was recently talking with my elementary school teacher and said elementary school teachers jaw nearly dropped when she told her I was in A successful field. Wtf? Again, what to say to that? Sure, I was a late bloomer (like, late as in 5th grade) but have been a successful student and high achiever for over 30 years. Ugh. Venting. But it just makes me sad. And pissed. And guilty that I don’t want to talk with her because I have to keep dodging these bitter comments from her.