Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd say it is HORRIBLE but it is not that great. And not likely to improve. We have times when we're totally fine with each other but I don't trust her.

She was kind of emotionally abusive while I was a kid. I think she has borderline personality disorder. It means that she is very afraid of me abandoning her so is frequently creating dramatic scenarios where she needs me so I can't leave. I would never leave forever, but I do not like drama so am constantly anxious around her.

She also never asks about me with the intention of knowing anything about me. She is always waiting for her turn to talk. And making underhanded comments about my choices. But not really caring to know why I made them etc. She frequently creates a rotating family feud and tries to rally troops to her side and wants to spend all her time talking to you about that.

So a lifetime of sustained behavior that shows that she really only cares about herself and is willing to be destructive towards loved ones in order to create a 'best' environment for her.

Are we the same person??
My mom has what I suspect is BPD. WAs emotionally and physically abuse when I was a kid. Tries to stir up conflict between everyone else so that she is the one that is needed all of the time. I used to try to help more when my dad first passed away. however, she got really angry with my husband and I over nonsense--and then she complained about me to my husband--so now i just go through the motions. that's it. there's not "love" just duty.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive (think beatings with ping pong paddle). Narcissistic. Selfish. Compulsive shopper and hoarder. More interested In Appearances and what other people thought than what I thought. Punitive over minor mistakes. Always hated my friends. Anti-Semitic and wildly racist. Controlling.
The happiest day of my life was when they dropped me off at college. Never lived at home again.
Now she has Alzheimer’s. I just feel nothing. Emptiness. I do my “duty” as a daughter, call and send birthday and Xmas gifts etc.
Sadly my father was blind to all this. He used to wonder out loud why we couldn’t get along. It’s too late now to confront him as to why he didn’t protect me from her..probably because he knew she would turn on him as well. He puts up with her pinching and slapping at him even now.
I wish I had had a normal mother but that wasn’t the hand I was dealt. I have been in therapy for years. Hardest time of year? Mother’s Day. I cannot and will not buy a sappy card. I buy a blank one and write happy mother’s day. That’s it m

You are better than me. I would never call or spend another dime on the psychopath that gave birth to me. The way you describe your mother is the same as mine. Wish I had your strength and insight when I went to college because I should have just severed ties then. After high school, I put up with another 20 years of abuse and financial stress. Therapy helped me become better and cope, but it has only been 1 year and 4 months since severed all ties with her. It has been the happiest year of my life. No more anxiety attacks, stress, financial issues, focused at work, amazing relationship with husband and kids. My only regret is that I didn’t cut this woman out of my life sooner.

I don’t even know where to start. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive (think beatings with ping pong paddle). Narcissistic. Selfish. Compulsive shopper and hoarder. More interested In Appearances and what other people thought than what I thought. Punitive over minor mistakes. Always hated my friends. Anti-Semitic and wildly racist. Controlling.
The happiest day of my life was when they dropped me off at college. Never lived at home again.
Now she has Alzheimer’s. I just feel nothing. Emptiness. I do my “duty” as a daughter, call and send birthday and Xmas gifts etc.
Sadly my father was blind to all this. He used to wonder out loud why we couldn’t get along. It’s too late now to confront him as to why he didn’t protect me from her..probably because he knew she would turn on him as well. He puts up with her pinching and slapping at him even now.
I wish I had had a normal mother but that wasn’t the hand I was dealt. I have been in therapy for years. Hardest time of year? Mother’s Day. I cannot and will not buy a sappy card. I buy a blank one and write happy mother’s day. That’s it m

She is severely uncomfortable around other people. She is also very demanding and needy. Therefore she expects me to fill all roles in her life: emotional sounding board, driver, shopper, nurse. She doesn't like or want change yet the way she lives is unsustainable. I am stressed and exhausted by her.

Complicated mental health and behavioral issues on her part, moderate mental health issues on my part. I hesitate to say horrible, but certainly very complicated, challenging and all too often unhealthy.

Mother is a narcissist with low-level depression and high anxiety who refuses to acknowledge any of those or get professional treatment. In the past when a sibling tried to have reasonable, non-hostile conversations with her about her behavior she got defensive and sarcastic about it, dismissing the concerns altogether.

Got tired of her constant need for adulation without giving any in return, so I stopped giving it to her. Got tired of acting as her therapist, refused to give her the emotional support she constantly asked for, instead gave her neutral advice on her problems that she didn't want to hear. She is a black/white thinker who gets mad when I don't automatically agree with her points of view on things and instead offer a different view. She pulled some awful, selfish stunts during some extremely stressful times for my family with no thought about what I was trying to cope with, and I just decided I didn't need to put up with that anymore. We still visit twice a year (she lives far away), but deciding not to call her other than on holidays/birthdays was the best thing I ever did for my mental health. Truly. I am a better parent to my own kids because I am not constantly dealing with the emotional anguish of having spent an hour listening to my mother on the phone.

“Hypercritical and negative”

This is something I REALLY have to watch for myself.

My mother is mentally ill. I pulled away. She acts like she has no idea why, because she is in deep denial about anything negative about herself.

Anonymous wrote:I just got back from a weekend trip with several girlfriends and we had a long discussion about our mothers. Three of them have complicated relationships with their mothers. One has a pretty good relationship with hers. My own mother died when I was young, and I have no idea what kind of relationship we might've had at this stage of my life. It's easy for me to fantasize that it would've been sunshine and roses, but I really don't know.

It was an eye-opening discussion, mostly because the conversation was so honest and I hadn't known just how difficult the relationships were. I could also tell how conflicted my friends feel. They want and need more from their mothers, but they also recognize their mothers' shortcomings and inability to give them what they need. They are struggling to find ways to keep their moms at arms-length or to find the right balance, but they feel guilty about it. Their strained relationships are caused by having a mother who is hyper-critical and negative, one who has a constant need for attention and creates drama, and in the third case, a mother who seems wholly uninterested in her daughter and grandkids.

I would have given my left arm to join that conversation. Sometimes I feel so isolated. Logically, I know many women experience this but personally, I do not.

I just got back from a weekend trip with several girlfriends and we had a long discussion about our mothers. Three of them have complicated relationships with their mothers. One has a pretty good relationship with hers. My own mother died when I was young, and I have no idea what kind of relationship we might've had at this stage of my life. It's easy for me to fantasize that it would've been sunshine and roses, but I really don't know.

It was an eye-opening discussion, mostly because the conversation was so honest and I hadn't known just how difficult the relationships were. I could also tell how conflicted my friends feel. They want and need more from their mothers, but they also recognize their mothers' shortcomings and inability to give them what they need. They are struggling to find ways to keep their moms at arms-length or to find the right balance, but they feel guilty about it. Their strained relationships are caused by having a mother who is hyper-critical and negative, one who has a constant need for attention and creates drama, and in the third case, a mother who seems wholly uninterested in her daughter and grandkids.

^^sorry, that should be "golden child."

Both my parents were abusive, but my Dad worked a lot of hours so my mom was around for most of it.

I have two brothers, but my parents were a lot harder on me. My mom even told me that she was intentionally harder on me because "the world isn't fair to women, so you need to get used to it now."

Now that we are all adults, my parents (especially my mom) strongly favors the youngest brother. My other brother and I discuss it a lot, and even other relatives (aunts, cousins, etc.) have noted how obsessed my mom is with her "gold child."

The constant message during my childhood that I was a burden and she couldn't wait till I moved out. The overall emotional neglect and lack of support during my childhood and teen years. Having, then and now, to be constantly on eggshells around her and to prioritize her emotional needs and not upset her. The excessive focus on my (always flawed) appearance and weight over my health and well-being.

I left as young as I could (17), became completely financially independent at 20, put in 20 years of being a good daughter with regular calls and visits. Now I check in once or twice a year but that's it.

I don't think I'd say it is HORRIBLE but it is not that great. And not likely to improve. We have times when we're totally fine with each other but I don't trust her.

She was kind of emotionally abusive while I was a kid. I think she has borderline personality disorder. It means that she is very afraid of me abandoning her so is frequently creating dramatic scenarios where she needs me so I can't leave. I would never leave forever, but I do not like drama so am constantly anxious around her.

She also never asks about me with the intention of knowing anything about me. She is always waiting for her turn to talk. And making underhanded comments about my choices. But not really caring to know why I made them etc. She frequently creates a rotating family feud and tries to rally troops to her side and wants to spend all her time talking to you about that.

So a lifetime of sustained behavior that shows that she really only cares about herself and is willing to be destructive towards loved ones in order to create a 'best' environment for her.

How did that happen? What about your mother caused it?