Everything is negotiable. Try to ask him for this. He might be willing in exchange for lower CS. Sure, maybe a judge isn't going to *order* that against his will, but he might be interested.

Alternatively you could tell him that *you* are moving and if he'd like to keep the kids and be a full time single parent, he can. I know that prospect would have horrified my ex, and he wouldn't have wanted them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he never wanted to move before it seems impossible he'd agree now, after divorce. I can't imagine you would be able to do it over his objections. Also, you'd be taking them away from their dad. A yard is great, but good relationship with their dad is probably more important. Sorry, OP, I know that's difficult to hear.

I didn't mean to take him away from them. I meant it that we all move. Maybe that a mediator would encourage the process, look at our finances and suggest that its in the best interest of the kids to go to a lower COL area. I mean this as it not just being about having a yard, but having money left over at the end of the month to do nice things for the kids, to have family support etc.

Clearly I have no idea how this works- haven't called an attorney or mediator yet as I indicated.

How far do your parents live from his? And how far is this from where you live now? Are we talking a 2 hour drive? Or a 6 hour plane ride?

Honestly, I doubt very much that even if you (or a mediator) could convince him it's in everyone's best interest to move to a lower cost of living area, that he'd want to move closer to your family. He'd feel "out numbered."

Anonymous wrote:If he never wanted to move before it seems impossible he'd agree now, after divorce. I can't imagine you would be able to do it over his objections. Also, you'd be taking them away from their dad. A yard is great, but good relationship with their dad is probably more important. Sorry, OP, I know that's difficult to hear.

I didn't mean to take him away from them. I meant it that we all move. Maybe that a mediator would encourage the process, look at our finances and suggest that its in the best interest of the kids to go to a lower COL area. I mean this as it not just being about having a yard, but having money left over at the end of the month to do nice things for the kids, to have family support etc.

Clearly I have no idea how this works- haven't called an attorney or mediator yet as I indicated.

I know someone who lives in the DC area, had kids, then divorced. His wife remarried, and several years later her new husband got a job offer in Colorado. She wanted to move the kids out to Colorado with her and her new husband, and the judge ordered it.

I don't know all the specifics, but apparently it's not impossible.

If he never wanted to move before it seems impossible he'd agree now, after divorce. I can't imagine you would be able to do it over his objections. Also, you'd be taking them away from their dad. A yard is great, but good relationship with their dad is probably more important. Sorry, OP, I know that's difficult to hear.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't contemplate it for myself because my job options here are better than they are close to family, but sure it happens. One of my single mom friends just moved for a better job/lower cost of living and her ex packed up and moved to the same place. This is the 2nd time he's done it. His job is flexible and she makes a lot more money than him, so he recognizes that supporting her career advancement is the best thing for their daughter.

I also know plenty of people who live in a different place than their ex and they make custody work. It's not ideal, but no situation is going to be.


I don't think you have much to lose in proposing it as an idea (perhaps with the help of a mediator). Worst case he says no, and you table the idea.

Sounds like the situations you've heard about are where both parties agree and of course if both parties are in agreement then it can happen. I took OP's question to be whether she can get a judge to approve this arrangement over her DH's objection and I really doubt that's going to happen unless, for whatever reason, OP is able to get almost the entirety of the custody time (i.e. he gets every other weekend).

If he has a lawyer I doubt he would agree to this though unless he was also moving. You are at a substantial disadvantage in custody situations for many reasons when you are the party that lives far away from the children.

I didn't contemplate it for myself because my job options here are better than they are close to family, but sure it happens. One of my single mom friends just moved for a better job/lower cost of living and her ex packed up and moved to the same place. This is the 2nd time he's done it. His job is flexible and she makes a lot more money than him, so he recognizes that supporting her career advancement is the best thing for their daughter.

I also know plenty of people who live in a different place than their ex and they make custody work. It's not ideal, but no situation is going to be.


I don't think you have much to lose in proposing it as an idea (perhaps with the help of a mediator). Worst case he says no, and you table the idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up to be healthy happy productive in apartments, and while sharing a room. I think you need to let go of the white picket fence dream and instead focus on where you are at.

This sounds like an ongoing theme that you are never content with what you have.

Thanks for the judgement on my life based on several lines of text. I've got a high energy kid who needs to get out and move. Walking two children to the playground every day is lovely but challenging as working parents. My kids also have very different sleeping needs and them being in the same room is tough on everyone. Judge away from the safety of being behind your computer. I know what would make life much easier and its not slogging through our current routine. Most families we have known in our layout of house in our neighborhood have long since moved away because of not having a yard, not having family close, and two kids sharing a room being exceptionally challenging in some circumstances.

Don't listen to this PP. There are plenty of great things about having a yard. I have no suggestions other than maybe think about getting a job out in the suburbs. You could get a reasonably priced townhouse in Burke or Springfield if you can find a job with a decent commute. You can have a small backyard and many times, there is a grassy common area.

Anonymous wrote:A friend tried to negotiate lower CS in exchange for moving the kids closer to her family in a lower COLA. The judge wouldn’t allow it. She’s stuck here working multiple jobs and her ex has since remarried and had three more kids so he keeps badgering her about how much CS he pays. Still not budging in the move though. She’ll be stuck six more years.

Thank you for your response. This sounds awful.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up to be healthy happy productive in apartments, and while sharing a room. I think you need to let go of the white picket fence dream and instead focus on where you are at.

This sounds like an ongoing theme that you are never content with what you have.

Thanks for the judgement on my life based on several lines of text. I've got a high energy kid who needs to get out and move. Walking two children to the playground every day is lovely but challenging as working parents. My kids also have very different sleeping needs and them being in the same room is tough on everyone. Judge away from the safety of being behind your computer. I know what would make life much easier and its not slogging through our current routine. Most families we have known in our layout of house in our neighborhood have long since moved away because of not having a yard, not having family close, and two kids sharing a room being exceptionally challenging in some circumstances.

Lots of kids grow up to be healthy happy productive in apartments, and while sharing a room. I think you need to let go of the white picket fence dream and instead focus on where you are at.

This sounds like an ongoing theme that you are never content with what you have.

A friend tried to negotiate lower CS in exchange for moving the kids closer to her family in a lower COLA. The judge wouldn’t allow it. She’s stuck here working multiple jobs and her ex has since remarried and had three more kids so he keeps badgering her about how much CS he pays. Still not budging in the move though. She’ll be stuck six more years.

Anonymous wrote:Hard to imagine he'll want to move close to YOUR parents after a divorce. If you move, it will be easier for him to say he should get full custody here, if he wants it, as the kids have ties to this area.

Yes, I understand its tough to imagine he'd want to move closer to my family. From a standpoint of ease, we'd have a lot more support living closer to parents, however. Life has been chaotic as working parents and right now its tough to imagine it getting any easier in separate households. The kids are still small so there aren't longstanding friendships that we'd be asking them to give up.

Hard to imagine he'll want to move close to YOUR parents after a divorce. If you move, it will be easier for him to say he should get full custody here, if he wants it, as the kids have ties to this area.

Has anyone ever navigated a move closer to family in a divorce in order to improve quality of life for the children? Is this even a possibility? I haven't talked to an attorney or mediator yet.

My spouse wants divorce. He just gave up, didn't invest in our relationship and wants out. Not my choosing but I have no option. I have been saying for years that I would like to leave the area as our combined incomes (and my student debt which I've been working hard to pay off) don't afford us the life I'd like to live- ie a single family house with a yard within a reasonable commute for both of us. I have also wanted to be closer to family for an added buffer of support. (My parents live in an affordable place with fairly decent job prospects for both of us. His parents also live in an affordable place but with zero job prospects for me as its very rural- he could join the family business). My husband has never seen a problem with our kids sharing a room and having no yard so its been an ongoing source of disagreement.

So fast forward to now- we will be divorcing and that money on two incomes that didn't afford us more space and a yard (what I felt would be better quality of life for our children), is now going to be divided to support two households. This likely puts us each in a unit with two bedrooms (if we are lucky). No chance of a yard. Probably worse commutes for one of us as we wouldn't be able to stay in our neighborhood. Our quality of life has been pretty mediocre, working to support cost of living and home repairs, without any real frills. Going any lower in quality of life really depresses me.