what culture are in-laws from?

OP, you've created a pattern and expectations by doing it for 13 years. Of course now people are going to be not happy. Better late than never, but going forward don't create patterns you are not willing to uphold forever...

Go to NYC. Go to this spa: https://beaire.com/

Do not confront or explain much about Thanksgiving. Tell your husband that you think you need a break and would love to go to NYC, would he like to join. If you do not hear "yes" from him, just go alone.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I did, DH isn’t on the same page hence the saga continues. There is no united front. After I wrote, I sat down and spoke with DH- he blew up at me (has long history verbal abuse). DH has gone around to his family saying I’m being selfish, no reason why she can’t stay, it’s a cultural. I grew up with extended family always staying with us and then the relationship never survives. They sh$t on you and never look back to even say hey thanks. I have put my foot down .. Sooo she’s looking for a place with a friend. Its not moving fast enough.i gave them 1-2 months. I know I have a DH problem, in the meantime, what to do re Thanksgiving

Give him the recipes and tell him if he is so keen on opening up the house to everyone, he can do it all himself. You will attend but not contribute. (Or you can go to NY.)

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I did, DH isn’t on the same page hence the saga continues. There is no united front. After I wrote, I sat down and spoke with DH- he blew up at me (has long history verbal abuse). DH has gone around to his family saying I’m being selfish, no reason why she can’t stay, it’s a cultural. I grew up with extended family always staying with us and then the relationship never survives. They sh$t on you and never look back to even say hey thanks. I have put my foot down .. Sooo she’s looking for a place with a friend. Its not moving fast enough.i gave them 1-2 months. I know I have a DH problem, in the meantime, what to do re Thanksgiving

Option 1.

Op here. I did, DH isn’t on the same page hence the saga continues. There is no united front. After I wrote, I sat down and spoke with DH- he blew up at me (has long history verbal abuse). DH has gone around to his family saying I’m being selfish, no reason why she can’t stay, it’s a cultural. I grew up with extended family always staying with us and then the relationship never survives. They sh$t on you and never look back to even say hey thanks. I have put my foot down .. Sooo she’s looking for a place with a friend. Its not moving fast enough.i gave them 1-2 months. I know I have a DH problem, in the meantime, what to do re Thanksgiving

*wrote to Carolyn Hax

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, the flight with DH hasn’t been about Thanksgiving. It’s been about his cousin who came to stay with us for “the summer” and has overstayed (against my wishes) because she’s trying to “get on her feet”

You have posted here about her. You also route to Carolyn Hax.

She is still in your house? Have you not followed any of the advice you received?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, the flight with DH hasn’t been about Thanksgiving. It’s been about his cousin who came to stay with us for “the summer” and has overstayed (against my wishes) because she’s trying to “get on her feet”

Tell him she has until X date to move out or you do. He can take his pick. You will be checking in at a really nice hotel and will be paying out of the joint checking.

OP here. No, the flight with DH hasn’t been about Thanksgiving. It’s been about his cousin who came to stay with us for “the summer” and has overstayed (against my wishes) because she’s trying to “get on her feet”

You and your dh have been fighting over whether or not to host Thanksgiving since late summer??

Good grief. That tells you right there that this year you should have planned to do something different. But since you have self appointed yourself to be the family host every other year you should say something ASAP if you are not going to host this year.

Agree with pp, it’s pretty short notice. I’d host, grin and bear it. And head out of town with DH for a couple of nights on Friday.

OK, there are more options here:

1) He wants to host in your home for his family! Great! HE can host! He can put linens on the beds, set out towels, cook the meals (or order them in), ask for help/people to bring contributions as needed.

You will contribute your favorite pie, and drink wine merrily on the couch while he learns, for the first time apparently, just how much it takes to be the cruise director, the chef, the maid, etc.

2) You tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you will welcome his parents for 2 nights (or whatever you can tolerate, even if it is 0) and after that, you are peacing out to a hotel until they are gone. So they can stay 5 nights, no problem, but you won't be there. That means he can continue to cook and clean, he can get the kids dressed and out the door, etc., etc. After 2 nights, you will be ON VACATION until they depart. Enjoy your visit with your folks, DH!

Decide what you want to do, then do it. And if he wants to do something different, he can learn how to dry brine a turkey right quick.

I fully support you doing your own thing, OP.

However... it's a bit short notice. Are people expecting to come to your house for Thanksgiving this year? Will they have time to make other plans? Because you're not looking to cut off all contact, you're just taking a break, right?

Anyway. You could order catered, tell your husband to pick up the food, not clean the house to your usual standard and just not give a sh1t.

Okay I wrote 1,3,3,4 buy y’all get what I mean- uh typos

Done it for 13 years for in-laws, every year I cook a ton of food, and some years we have approx 10 people, other years it’s 2-4. I posted recently about in-laws who have overstayed their welcome, and it’s really tense around here. DH and I have been fighting pretty much since late summer my ungrateful in-laws who take, take, take and get upset when I say enough . Soo options are to (1) take a trip to NY or something to get the f* out of here and take a break without DH; (3) say I have the flu so need to pass hosting this year; or (3) start a new tradition, spend Thanksgiving giving to families who are truly in need (4) host it, grin it & bear it