For my parents, their resistance was a combination of 4 things:
1- denial that there was anything “wrong” with their perfect grandchild
2- ignorance - kids like him were just quirky/ high strung when we were young
3- guilt that they may have missed similar struggles in their kids or themselves
4- shame that they really weren’t great parents- they were pretty lucky with how their kids turned out despite their parenting/ relationship skills

For my mom we had some really open conversations about how when you know better you can do better from a parenting perspective. That there is nothing shameful about the special needs. And she was present for some of our ABA sessions and witnessed both that work and some OT/ ST sessions. So that really helped with the ignorance. She the. Started asking questions about how she could do better. And she changed her interaction style with my kids which improved her relationship with them.

My dad is really opinionated and volatile and he came the realization that a spanking might not fix everything when he saw how differently the kids acted when they were with my mom. So he tried making changes to his behavior too. This got easier when we moved closer so there was more time together available.

And my brother has always had my back. Whenever my parents would complain to him about my parenting he would shut it down and comment that I am managing a lot of hard stuff and need support.

Honestly before they changed, we had started limiting contact to short visits.

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

It depends on the severity. Some people with severe ADHD definitely have special needs. Also, it’s true that some people with very mild
autism may not present as special needs. It all depends on the individual.

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

Well, IDEA disagrees with you and so does every therapist and teacher we have ever encountered. Don’t be afraid of acknowledging that a difference in abilities is a social need.

You first priority is doing what is best for your child. If you think it would help, have the grandparents come to a session with one of the experts you work with and let that person explain. However, you really need to also accept they may never come around and pleasing them and having them think you are a good parent should never come before doing what your child needs to thrive. Sometimes you just need to set firm yet polite boundaries. You work with a team of experts and get input from the teacher (the person who has to deal with our kids in for hours and hours in an academic setting). If what all those people say is vastly different from what the grandparents say then I would not give the grandparents say then you know the well meaning grandparents are out to lunch.

I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

Yes, sigh. My mom visits and says, "I can't tell that there's anything wrong with him!"

I have to say (again) "Mom, we don't think there is anything wrong with him either. We only said that he has ADHD and sometimes it's kind of hard."

I accept that my mom is from a different era where SN meant a defect, not a difference. She adores my son (she likes him much better than she likes me). In her mind, she is defending him- so I let it go.

Anonymous wrote:It is both freeing and painful to let go of expecting them to come around. It is hard being judged by people you love. I just keep my eye on doing what is best for my child and I accept that I will not have the approval of everyone. I am pleasantly surprised those times I see some hope with grandparents, but I don't expect it. It is not my job to please them. It is not my job to win their parenting seal of approval. It is my job to consult with experts and do right by my kid.

This 1000 times. This is where we got to as well.

It is both freeing and painful to let go of expecting them to come around. It is hard being judged by people you love. I just keep my eye on doing what is best for my child and I accept that I will not have the approval of everyone. I am pleasantly surprised those times I see some hope with grandparents, but I don't expect it. It is not my job to please them. It is not my job to win their parenting seal of approval. It is my job to consult with experts and do right by my kid.

I stopped talking with them about it, stopped expecting any support.

Amazingly they came around on their own, but it took years.

My parents are the opposite problem: constantly, since the earliest signs of trouble in infancy, insisting over and over that his behavior is within the total bounds of normal. Our stresses have been SO GREAT -- kicked out of a preschool, years of stress at another one, medication at age 4 just to eke by..... then a huge emergence of problems at age 6 that required pulling him out of school full time. Have worked closely with top specialists this whole time, with very clear cut diagnoses -- of serious issues. One of the diagnoses involves some clear cut symptoms that disappeared for a year, but require immediate treatment if they come back. Two weeks ago my mom mentioned that she saw some of those symptoms when she was babysitting him -- but that "it's not anything i can't handle! Don't worry about it!" I had to lecture her that, if the symptoms come back, he needs TREATMENT - it doesn't matter that she thought he seemed fine. It is so annoying for my parents to keep saying that the stuff that's getting us thrown out of school is "nothing." But then i feel bad, because they mean so well.

I've given up. Grandparents think they know better and there's nothing one can do, really. No matter our many conversations, ours insist on plying DC with sweets, screens and media for older kids, not understanding that all of that stimulation ramps up anxiety and sleep issues. I'm sure grandparents blame what they perceive as our "helicopter" parenting.

I have found in my own family, those who have the most trouble accepting are the ones for whom it hits too close to home. It blows up too many family myths. Maybe great-grandma hide in her house 24hours a day because of a debilitating anxiety disorder rather than the old "she was such a homebody-loved all things domestic." There is way more than that in terms of family myths.

A good friend of mine adopted one of her kids and her parents had a much easier time accepting any issues with the child who was adopted than they did with the one who had their genes!

My son was an adult before my parents accepted that his actions are due to mental illness.... that dh and didn't cause.

Sigh. I don't know that anything could help my parents to learn this. It has created a huge wedge between my parents and I. We had a wonderful relationship previously. They alternate between blaming me and my husband for poor discipline and for sending him to a "special" school, which they believe is unnecessary, and acting like he will never live alone. They can't decide if I am incompetent or if he is more severely disabled than I know, but either way, proper parenting would make it all better. So. Tiring.

If your parents have come to understand that your SN kid's behavior is not due to your poor parenting, after judging initially, how did that change come about? Are there any resources (articles, blogs, etc) that you can share that were helpful?