Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

The underlying issue is you are a shitty human being. Usually there's no fixing that.

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

Staying with a cheater = ultimate demonstration of self-contempt, and admission you have low value and lack options

If both parties are committed, sure, it can work. It won't be the same but you can work. my exDW cheated on me and while we were reconcling, she kept going back to AP and finally she professed her love for him after several failed reconciliation attempts by us. I finally had enough and told her I was done. If she had genuinely been trying and dropped AP cold turkey and was 100% committed to us, it would be a different story. Some folks can't get back together after an AP, though.

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of things that can happen to a marriage, both positive and negative, that irrevocably change the marriage. Cheating is one of those things. So is addiction. So is the death of a child. So is the birth of a child, for that matter. I think that if both people are truly committed to the marriage (or re-committed, as it were), them the marriage can be salvaged. It will not be the same as it was before, though. You will never get back what was lost. Ever. You can build something else, but it will be different. If your spouse isn’t committed to the reconstruction effort, it will not be possible, though.

Hello, to my soul’s reflection.

Depends on the motive for the cheating and if genuinely wants to stay married and can actually folllow through. The mind maybe willing .....


My exDW cheated and wouldn’t stop.

Anonymous wrote:DH cheats several times with the same woman. I find out and confront. It doesn’t happen again (of course, that I know of). Add in counseling to deal with small issues that lead to the adultury. Marriage is strong and happiness ensues....


Is this a pipe dream? Am I deluding myself?

You are delusional if you think "fixing your marriage" will stop affairs.

What is your H's issue? Bipolar? ADHD? Alcoholic?


If he can fix his issues maybe he will stop cheating.

Nope! My husband cheated and I stayed. Worst mistake of my life. Even after the cheating stopped, the trust never came back. I never believe anything he says and I’m always suspicious. I’ve finally realized that I will never trust him again because I’ve lost all respect for him. And now, I’m planning my exit strategy.

I think there are a lot of things that can happen to a marriage, both positive and negative, that irrevocably change the marriage. Cheating is one of those things. So is addiction. So is the death of a child. So is the birth of a child, for that matter. I think that if both people are truly committed to the marriage (or re-committed, as it were), them the marriage can be salvaged. It will not be the same as it was before, though. You will never get back what was lost. Ever. You can build something else, but it will be different. If your spouse isn’t committed to the reconstruction effort, it will not be possible, though.

A year ago I would have said yes, because a year ago I thought I had a marriage that had recovered. It turned out that I did not, and that the cheating never ended. It turns out that the first time he got caught was not the first time he cheated and it was far from the last.

Basically, I believe it might be possible but I'm starting to think it is fairly rare.

Is he 100% committed to rebuilding?

No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Not a pipe dream but it typically requires a lot of work and time, and both parties have to be fully committed to the process.

DH cheats several times with the same woman. I find out and confront. It doesn’t happen again (of course, that I know of). Add in counseling to deal with small issues that lead to the adultury. Marriage is strong and happiness ensues....


Is this a pipe dream? Am I deluding myself?