Anonymous wrote:my daughter struggles in the friend department. she is a nice kid, but just not as "savvy" as her 6th grade peers. she gets along with most kids in her classes, but no deeper connections being made. I encourage her to sit with others at lunch and on the bus but the couple of times she's tried, she tells me everyone ignores her and talk around her. she tries to participate but she feels invisible. so she comes home upset that she has nothing to do tonight. she doesn't want to tot, but she would have loved to be invited to a gathering. how can I make her and me feel better.

Sorry. Can you invite people?

Oh OP, I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Did she have any pals from elem. school? Are they maybe kids she can reconnect with and invite over? FWIW, I ended up making my BFF half-way through my first year of jr. high. It was a girl who at first I was a little put off by, I thought she ran with a fast crowd (whatever that means in 7th grade!). But it turned out that was all talk and we ended up finding out we had a lot in common and hit it off. Maybe you can reassure DD that it's still early in the new school year and there is probably someone in one of her classes she'll connect with.

Until then I'd keep her busy with extracurriculars. That's what I did with DS who had a rough go of it socially in MS. We were a small majority from our ES who fed into a different MS from most of his 5th grade, and it was hard for him to break into any of the groups that carried over. So I completely get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

People don't reciprocate for lots of reasons. If they seemed to have a good time, your DD should keep inviting.

+1 It takes effort.

Anonymous wrote:she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

People don't reciprocate for lots of reasons. If they seemed to have a good time, your DD should keep inviting.

1. She needs to embrace who she is. If she's a nerd, she needs to be confident in her nerdiness.
2. She needs to aim realistically. If she's an uncoordinated average-looking, not smart kid, don't aim for the popular kids. Stick with your own kind.

No neighborhood friends ?

Mine is older and went through a very rough time at your DDs age. It's much better now but she's still a little isolated so here's some ideas (besides activities, mentioned above)

My DD goes to school far away, but she is 16, so for her, Friday nights are the tough time, as in our neighborhood, one can see packs of teens out and about while she has no plans. (of course my DD can't imagine that there are probably just as many teens who are NOT out, but since those are invisible when you drive down the street, that doesn't register)

So I have an art teacher that comes over on Friday evenings. This provides some psychological buffer....she now is busy on Friday evenings, she also has "something to do."

The other thing is to be out of town on certain days when you know it's going to not go well for your kid. So, if you are in say, NYC for Halloween, and going to a show that night, well, of course she's not going to go trick or treating with a friend, so the idea that she has no friends to go with doesn't really enter into the picture.

I'm not saying that this is the ONLY thing you should do, OP, as this in and of itself is insufficient. But it's one thing that you might be able to plan for.

I tried to get the younger cousins to come visit for Halloween--that gives a kid something to do, to help create the magic of Halloween for a younger kid, walk them around; super-fun. You might be able to do that with younger neighbor kids.

she actually is involved in activities and generally enjoys them, but still, only surface friendships that don't amount to spending more time together outside the activity. we did encourage her to invite one girl over and although they had a nice time, the invite was not reciprocated and that was that.

Does she perhaps not pick up on social cues? If someone isn’t being friendly back, she should try talking to someone else next time.

I agree with Pps, help her find after school activities to meet kids.

^popular not unpopular

Try to have her invite some friends over to encourage the friendships. Movie night, whatever. My kids aren't "unpopular", but they do have a group of friends they eat lunch with, etc.., but I have talked to them about reaching out to kids who look alone/lonely, and at times, they have.

And agree with PP, after school activities is a good way to meet new kids at school. Encourage your kid to get involved. It's hard at first, but the more your DC does it, the easier it will get, and the more your DC will get to know other kids. I encourage my 13 yr old to do the same.


Good luck. Such a hard thing.

Is school her only place to make friends? If so, maybe sign her up for an activity - sport, GS, etc - that she’s interested in so can meet people with at least one similar interest.

Sorry - tough age.

But I guarantee there are other kids in her grade in the same tough spot who would be thrilled to connect so maybe try to figure out how to help your daughter connect with them. Our middle school has tons of supervised extra curricular activities running the gamut so find a couple that interest your daughter and maybe she will find some common ground there?

movie night?

my daughter struggles in the friend department. she is a nice kid, but just not as "savvy" as her 6th grade peers. she gets along with most kids in her classes, but no deeper connections being made. I encourage her to sit with others at lunch and on the bus but the couple of times she's tried, she tells me everyone ignores her and talk around her. she tries to participate but she feels invisible. so she comes home upset that she has nothing to do tonight. she doesn't want to tot, but she would have loved to be invited to a gathering. how can I make her and me feel better.