OP here. It is nice to hear of others’ experiences on both sides.

Yes, I really think I could have eventually been happy with one, but it would have taken a few years. I am sure that at times I would have pangs of regret, but I also have pangs of regret for the career opportunities I passed up because I couldn’t handle them on top of all these IVFs and miscarriages, and pregnancy and having a new baby. Plus we would have an easier lifestyle now with just one older child, and fewer bills to pay. Again, I am not saying I regret the choices we made, but I can also see that it would have been OK

And yes, primary fertility is different, and I wanted to title the post “secondary infertility”to be clear.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks OP, but that thought only works if you have secondary, some of us here are going through all this with zero children in the family.

I'm sorry. I went through both -- primary (resolved) and secondary (unresolved). Primary was worse. You have my full sympathy.

However, OP did put "secondary" in the title of her post.

Anonymous wrote:This is timely for me, OP. I have an 8 year old and today found out that yet another cycle failed. After 3 OE cycles I think it’s time for DE. would love to hear more about your experience. Do you really think you’d have been ok with just one? I can’t imagine living my whole life with that sense of loss, not if I can move to DE and have success.

I gave up on #2 after 2 IVFs and 5 FETs (3 miscarriages). The grief still flares up from time to time, but I am very, very grateful for the small, perfect family I have. The longer we live together, the harder it is to imagine the phantom fourth member of our family, who once seemed so very present. Time does heal.

Pregnant with my second, who is a DE child. First was an easy OE. I didn't sacrifice my career to do it, but would have. I think I would have been OK not having any, more than not having a second. I know that's different than most. Kinda wish I'd done DE earlier, but as it turns out, I like that my first will be 4.5 when second is born. It's a great age and she's so excited to help out.

I also have a DE baby for my second. Beautiful little girl who is a force of nature. I know I've missed out on career opportunities as well, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I would not have been happy with just 1 -- I mean, I would have eventually found peace, but I had to exhaust all of our options first. (First one was a surprise after 2 failed IUIs.)

My story is very similar, OP. It was a long road, but my DE child was worth all the heartache.

Thanks OP, but that thought only works if you have secondary, some of us here are going through all this with zero children in the family.

This is timely for me, OP. I have an 8 year old and today found out that yet another cycle failed. After 3 OE cycles I think it’s time for DE. would love to hear more about your experience. Do you really think you’d have been ok with just one? I can’t imagine living my whole life with that sense of loss, not if I can move to DE and have success.

Thank you

If you're in the mood for a hopefully uplifting thought, I was just looking at DCUM and realizing that it had been years since I daily checked his board.

My little DE daughter is 3, and is the loveliest girl in the world, and my OE son, 9, is the best boy. Except for when they are driving me crazy, as they often do, and then all of a sudden they will do something wonderful again to come back in my good graces.

It was a lot of work to get her, and she is terrific. I also realize that I turned down and missed out on a good number of career opportunities while I was so frequently trying and failing to have a second baby. I wouldn't give her back, but if I had made the choice to stop and not invest all that time, I can see that I probably would be happy just with the one too, and would have been in a better place in my career.

So, it will be OK. There will always be "what if's," but someday the days of worrying about all this will be long behind you, and you will be out there living your best life.