I think people who ask really don't realize that they're essentially bringing up a topic that amounts to a death in the family at a happy social event. It is just a normal topic to many people. And that's one of the many things that makes infertility such a painful parallel universe. Sometimes it works to just give a slight no nod of your head and then answer with a another, unrelated question. Like, "how do you know Suzy and Joe?" I think a lot of people would catch the drift there that you don't want to answer. And it's a way of deflecting the question that doesn't require you to divulge anything. Sorry about your situation. It sounds very painful on multiple levels.

I'm struggling with long-term (3 years) secondary infertility and get asked all the time why I "only have one." I say: "Unfortunately we can't have anymore children." They always express surprise because I'm young and my child is only 3.5. They often say "Did you try IVF?" and I say: "We tried everything possible to have a second and nothing worked." Then I change the subject.

Anonymous wrote:"It's not in the cards for us"

This one is good. If you can bear it, you could say a bit more, like "we had hoped to, but it just didn't work out / wasn't in the cards for us."
Then follow immediately with "how are you spending the holidays?" or some other question.

But seriously, who asks these questions? I'm no paragon of tact and social grace, but never never never ask these questions.

"I dont have anything to say about that topic just now." Upside it sends a clear message you dont want to talk and you think they are borderline nosy. Downside sends a clear message that maybe you are not quite happy with the situation (and they only found out bc they asked a nosy question).

I was asked this in a very annoying way a few months back by someone who recently posted publicly on Facebook about being frustrated by the fertility treatment ads on Pandora because they remind her she's not pregnant yet. I feel for her, but kind of rolled my eyes, because if you don't want to be reminded you're not pregnant, maybe don't go around reminding others! Okay, so maybe she hadn't been TTC for long enough at that time and didn't realize... or maybe it was some kind of self-defense mechanism. Whatever. In any case, some people are idiots, even those who have struggled with infertility themselves.

Anonymous wrote:I prefer to be excruciatingly honest so they feel at least a little uncomfortable and hopefully some shame for asking so that maybe they will think twice before they ask someone else. It makes me so angry that it’s considered acceptable small talk.

This was me later in our journey. People mean well, but so, so many couples go through infertility. Although many are "just trying to make small talk" this question can really put a person into a tailspin.

I agree with saying something terse but making it clear that you have tried/want them. They might then think twice before asking others.

I prefer to be excruciatingly honest so they feel at least a little uncomfortable and hopefully some shame for asking so that maybe they will think twice before they ask someone else. It makes me so angry that it’s considered acceptable small talk.

"It's not in the cards for us"

Depending on how comfortable you are (and what you can get out without breaking down), I also think it would be helpful to say something that indicates that it's not that you don't WANT kids... it just hasn't worked out for you... yet (if you feel there's still some possibility out there... I'm sorry you've already gone through the challenging experiences you have). If there is someone you're comfortable with sharing that type of response with, maybe word will get around to others (and that'll shut it down). I know it's difficult and my heart goes out to you. I definitely related to what you said about the passive-aggressive bent. I've experienced that too and it sucks. Sometimes I think people are like oh you don't "like" kids or whatever, and it's like no something else is going on here - thanks. On the other hand, looking back I've probably asked people in my earlier years if they were ever interested in having kids (if they didn't yet have any) not knowing or being fully aware of the struggle some people go through. So while sometimes you do get the vibe someone is being passive aggressive or insensitive, other times - like you said - some people just aren't tuned in to know or realize that some people are without children and it's not because they want to be.

"It wasn't in the cards for us" makes it clear that it wasn't without trying. Also makes people realize that it's an insensitive question.

Anonymous wrote:"Unfortunatley, it doesn't look like kids are in the cards for us. What's new with you?"

I'd express some regret so no one badgers you.

+1
And if someone persists in being nosy, a "why do you ask" should do.

I agree with pp who says express some emotion “unfortunately” “does not seem to be in our future” “no (long o and sigh)”. Most normal people will pick up on the social cues that come from those words and will recognize that it is not a topic to explore and has crossed from idle chit chat to something painful and to change course. Anyone who pushes on “oh really, why?” Just say you would rather not talk about I but, hey, tell me about your latest trip. The pics on Facebook looks beautiful so the conversation moves.

If people continue after that, they are clearly probing for information.

I am sorry you are in this situation and know it sucks. May you receive blessings in other ways.

"Unfortunatley, it doesn't look like kids are in the cards for us. What's new with you?"

I'd express some regret so no one badgers you.

Did you guys think about having kids? "We're still thinking. I saw yours run by earlier - he's so cute; how old is he now?"

Are you okay with not having kids? "Yep. what are you doing for the holidays this year?"

So, no kids, huh? "Nope. So, what are you doing for the holidays this year?"

Going to a friend's wedding in a few months. There will be a lot of acquaintances that I haven't seen in a while. I know there will be questions about kids, or, more specifically... my husband and I's lack of kids. (We tried for years, considered adoption, tragedies intervened) How do I answer the inevitable, "Did you guys think about having kids?" Or, "Are you okay with not having kids?" Or, my favorite, "So... no kids, huh?" Even being asked makes me wince because, yes, we wanted kids, the IVF experience was awful and heartbreaking, and the life events that prevented us from adopting were traumatic. I realize that people often ask these question off the cuff, and have no idea what box they are opening for me. I've been thinking of answering, "Yes, life's great. How's yours?" Any other suggestions? Another observation: I swear, rarely but sometimes, people have a passive-aggressive bent to asking this stuff. Has anyone else ever had that sneaking suspicion? Thanks for your thoughts.