I have mommy issues and my DH is a lot like her. Oops.

I agree. I had an absent father, one abusive stepfather, and another flaky stepfather.

I’ve been in several abusive relationships. I tend to pick men who aren’t emotionally available. I tend to try to please them to smooth the waters and make them stay.

As far as looks, no.

I ponder this question a lot since my divorce.
I had a good father growing up but he never allowed me to be emotionally close to him. Today we are very distant and I feel abandoned by him or that I don't matter much to him.
My XDH can be very charming, is smart and attractive. I always thought I married up. Must be low self-esteem as I am tall, attractive, educated and a very nice person
He turned out to be a liar, cheater and emotionally distant, I think he was more infatuated than in love with me.
Don't know if there is any connection between him and my dad

I also married someone very unlike my father. My first few serious boyfriends were somewhat similar to him but not as awful. I figured out that if I didn't change my "type" I would be miserable. So I sought out really, really good, stable guys. I married someone who has his own set of issues but is not as awful as my dad.

no

we all have free will. choose wisely and if not it's on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You love your father. You love your father pretty unconditionally as a young child. How you interact with him when you're learning how to bond with other people informs how you let people you love generally treat you.

I don't think anyone DEFINITIVELY determines anything in your future. But children learn from their parents. If a little girl sees her dad berating mom and her, criticizing women's appearances, neglecting her, then the little girl learns how to love someone that mistreats her. And it will leave a hole in her emotional health that she'll always be trying to fill up.

People gravitate towards what they know, even if what they know is bad.

Or the woman learns to pick a husband who is the polar opposite of their father.

Of me and my 3 sisters, 2 of them selected a guy similar to our dad. One picked a guy who was selfish and irresponsible/immature, but pleasant. The other picked a guy who is responsible, but has a very short temper, no filter and can be difficult to be around.

2 of us picked guys who were very different from our father. One is very stable, mild mannered, responsible and an achiever. The other picked a guy who is stable, responsible, mature and pleasant. Neither of them are creative or spontaneous, which is one of our dad's best qualities, but they are definitely stable.

The two who picked husbands just like dad have lower self esteem and were both daddy's girls.

The two who picked guys who were opposite of dad had more goals/higher self esteem and also had antagonistic/rebellious relationships with our dad.

That is my sample size of 4.

This was me but I also grew up without a father. I knew I wanted to marry someone very different from my father and so far it has been going well. There are still issues in my marriage but overall it's good. My father has always been a bit distant and I stayed clear of men that were not smitten with me.

Meant to write grew up without a mother!

Anonymous wrote:This is something many of us have heard before. How true is this statement?

Explain.

No. My spouse was a fraction of the man my father was or my brothers are. This is in terms of verbal communication abilities, ability to fix things, laziness versus not at home. Both was workaholics thought but one could seek balance and multitask, the other can not.

I would however, agree with the following: How your father treats you determines how you treat your wife and kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You love your father. You love your father pretty unconditionally as a young child. How you interact with him when you're learning how to bond with other people informs how you let people you love generally treat you.

I don't think anyone DEFINITIVELY determines anything in your future. But children learn from their parents. If a little girl sees her dad berating mom and her, criticizing women's appearances, neglecting her, then the little girl learns how to love someone that mistreats her. And it will leave a hole in her emotional health that she'll always be trying to fill up.

People gravitate towards what they know, even if what they know is bad.

Or the woman learns to pick a husband who is the polar opposite of their father.

Of me and my 3 sisters, 2 of them selected a guy similar to our dad. One picked a guy who was selfish and irresponsible/immature, but pleasant. The other picked a guy who is responsible, but has a very short temper, no filter and can be difficult to be around.

2 of us picked guys who were very different from our father. One is very stable, mild mannered, responsible and an achiever. The other picked a guy who is stable, responsible, mature and pleasant. Neither of them are creative or spontaneous, which is one of our dad's best qualities, but they are definitely stable.

The two who picked husbands just like dad have lower self esteem and were both daddy's girls.

The two who picked guys who were opposite of dad had more goals/higher self esteem and also had antagonistic/rebellious relationships with our dad.

That is my sample size of 4.

This was me but I also grew up without a father. I knew I wanted to marry someone very different from my father and so far it has been going well. There are still issues in my marriage but overall it's good. My father has always been a bit distant and I stayed clear of men that were not smitten with me.

Anonymous wrote:You love your father. You love your father pretty unconditionally as a young child. How you interact with him when you're learning how to bond with other people informs how you let people you love generally treat you.

I don't think anyone DEFINITIVELY determines anything in your future. But children learn from their parents. If a little girl sees her dad berating mom and her, criticizing women's appearances, neglecting her, then the little girl learns how to love someone that mistreats her. And it will leave a hole in her emotional health that she'll always be trying to fill up.

People gravitate towards what they know, even if what they know is bad.

Or the woman learns to pick a husband who is the polar opposite of their father.

Of me and my 3 sisters, 2 of them selected a guy similar to our dad. One picked a guy who was selfish and irresponsible/immature, but pleasant. The other picked a guy who is responsible, but has a very short temper, no filter and can be difficult to be around.

2 of us picked guys who were very different from our father. One is very stable, mild mannered, responsible and an achiever. The other picked a guy who is stable, responsible, mature and pleasant. Neither of them are creative or spontaneous, which is one of our dad's best qualities, but they are definitely stable.

The two who picked husbands just like dad have lower self esteem and were both daddy's girls.

The two who picked guys who were opposite of dad had more goals/higher self esteem and also had antagonistic/rebellious relationships with our dad.

That is my sample size of 4.

Anonymous wrote:Good gracious, no. My father is an emotionally abusive jerk, and my husband is a joy and a delight. That said, I started dating him when I was 19 and i would have been easy prey for a monster, but I lucked into a really good person and now I’m strong enough I wouldn’t stand someone treating me the way my dad treated me and still treats my mom.

That’s great to hear. I usually see girls who were mistreated by their fathers or saw their mothers being mistreated, ended up with abusive spouses. It’s a vicious cycle. You seem fortunate to have a wonderful husband.

Out of curiousity, does your husband see you as ‘messed up’ due to your upbringing and does it affect your relationship with your husband? Or are you completely unaffected by witnessing your parents disastrous marriage?

I'm not that simple-minded that I automatically looked for a man like him, because he's not black and white - so there are aspects of his personality that are great (loyal, dependable, organized, hard-working, etc.) and aspects of his personality that made him difficult to live with and not a good parent/husband (rage issues, lack of knowledge of child development, inflexible to some degree, etc.).

So while yes, I sought out someone loyal and hard working and organized and dependable, I also sought out someone who could articulate their feelings and worked through anger rather than blowing up, and someone who was willing to admit to not knowing everything and was willing to read a book or an article here or there.

How he treats your Mom can be an even bigger indicator of the men you are attracted to.

My Dad adores me, but was distant. And gone a lot (Navy) or working long hours. And even when he was around he was drinking (functional alcoholic).

My parents fought a lot. My Mom has her own wackiness. And they just aren’t compatible.

So who am I attracted to? Men who are emotionally distant or physically distant or who I fight with.

Took me lots of self reflection and therapy to finally find my husband at 38.

Good gracious, no. My father is an emotionally abusive jerk, and my husband is a joy and a delight. That said, I started dating him when I was 19 and i would have been easy prey for a monster, but I lucked into a really good person and now I’m strong enough I wouldn’t stand someone treating me the way my dad treated me and still treats my mom.

You love your father. You love your father pretty unconditionally as a young child. How you interact with him when you're learning how to bond with other people informs how you let people you love generally treat you.

I don't think anyone DEFINITIVELY determines anything in your future. But children learn from their parents. If a little girl sees her dad berating mom and her, criticizing women's appearances, neglecting her, then the little girl learns how to love someone that mistreats her. And it will leave a hole in her emotional health that she'll always be trying to fill up.

People gravitate towards what they know, even if what they know is bad.

This is something many of us have heard before. How true is this statement?

Explain.