Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not really sure if I even consider myself to still be on a secondary infertility journey. After 4 years of failed infertility treatments and several RE's saying I have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on my own (and less than a 10% chance if I do more IVFs), I think we're one and done.

But I still haven't come to accept not having the family size I envisioned. I'm sure with time it will get better but right now I'm really struggling with many feelings regarding secondary infertility: feeling inadequate, not feeling like a "real" mother, feeling sad, envy of those who can have 2 kids, etc.

May I ask what your age is? I'm surprised the REs are giving you such low stats. I'm sorry to hear about all the failed treatments.

OP here. I'm 38.

Anonymous wrote:I know a bunch of people with secondary infertility, but I"m also over 40, so I think it's more common. I think the fact that I'm not in a tight knit group of friends who are all having kids now is very helpful, but not sure having friends dealing with 2ndary IF is a huge help (definitely nice sometimes). Everyone I know is handling it differently, so after a certain point, we're not really going through quite the same thing. One friend decided not to do IVF and be done with one. One friend who is younger has PCOS and is almost certainly going to be successful with IVF. I had good #s, but many many rounds of IVF never worked, so I did DE. My other friend was told her #s were bad, easily had #1, but with the additional couple of years is expecting to struggle with #2, but hasn't quited started yet.

With all due respect, there's a huge difference between dealing with secondary infertility and making decisions (or having those decisions made for you) and saying you have secondary infertility and then getting pregnant within a few months of beginning to try to conceive.

I'm in my mid-thirties, and my "infertile" friends generally (not all) fall in the latter category. Hence the quotation marks.

My 38 yo sister went through secondary infertility. She finally did just get pregnant after an IUI with clomid, though she is only about 6 weeks along so is crossing her fingers and really hoping for the best. Best of luck to you all, ladies.

I know a bunch of people with secondary infertility, but I"m also over 40, so I think it's more common. I think the fact that I'm not in a tight knit group of friends who are all having kids now is very helpful, but not sure having friends dealing with 2ndary IF is a huge help (definitely nice sometimes). Everyone I know is handling it differently, so after a certain point, we're not really going through quite the same thing. One friend decided not to do IVF and be done with one. One friend who is younger has PCOS and is almost certainly going to be successful with IVF. I had good #s, but many many rounds of IVF never worked, so I did DE. My other friend was told her #s were bad, easily had #1, but with the additional couple of years is expecting to struggle with #2, but hasn't quited started yet.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not really sure if I even consider myself to still be on a secondary infertility journey. After 4 years of failed infertility treatments and several RE's saying I have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on my own (and less than a 10% chance if I do more IVFs), I think we're one and done.

But I still haven't come to accept not having the family size I envisioned. I'm sure with time it will get better but right now I'm really struggling with many feelings regarding secondary infertility: feeling inadequate, not feeling like a "real" mother, feeling sad, envy of those who can have 2 kids, etc.

May I ask what your age is? I'm surprised the REs are giving you such low stats. I'm sorry to hear about all the failed treatments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My child is in preschool and every time I go to drop off and pick up I see pregnant moms or moms with babies everywhere. I would like to make new friends who only have one child or who don't have kids at all, but not sure how to do that. I'm in a book club and an exercise group but no luck making friends there yet.

I'm 15:07, and this is me. I do carpool some days because I just cannot deal.

Book club also hasn't been a safe space for me. Two babies this year.

Where do you live, OP? We could be friends. I'm actually fun when I'm not bombarded with babies.

OP here. I'm in NoVA. It would be wonderful to make a new friend who can relate to the secondary infertility journey.

15:07 again. I made a Gmail if you want to get in touch. I'd love to talk more.

dcumsecondaryif@gmail.com

Not my real one, obviously, but didn't want to put it out here.

OP here. Thanks, I will contact you!

OP here. I'm not really sure if I even consider myself to still be on a secondary infertility journey. After 4 years of failed infertility treatments and several RE's saying I have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on my own (and less than a 10% chance if I do more IVFs), I think we're one and done.

But I still haven't come to accept not having the family size I envisioned. I'm sure with time it will get better but right now I'm really struggling with many feelings regarding secondary infertility: feeling inadequate, not feeling like a "real" mother, feeling sad, envy of those who can have 2 kids, etc.

We were there for 3 years. Our second was born after three losses, one at 17 weeks. We chose to work with Dr. Braverman after the third loss (on top of doing IVF). Our boys are a little over 4.5 years apart. I feel every bit of pain you are experiencing. Sometimes I even have knee jerk feelings of jealousy when I find out someone is pregnant. It’s like PTSD. Best of luck to all of you - secondary IF is its own kind of hell.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My child is in preschool and every time I go to drop off and pick up I see pregnant moms or moms with babies everywhere. I would like to make new friends who only have one child or who don't have kids at all, but not sure how to do that. I'm in a book club and an exercise group but no luck making friends there yet.

I'm 15:07, and this is me. I do carpool some days because I just cannot deal.

Book club also hasn't been a safe space for me. Two babies this year.

Where do you live, OP? We could be friends. I'm actually fun when I'm not bombarded with babies.

OP here. I'm in NoVA. It would be wonderful to make a new friend who can relate to the secondary infertility journey.

15:07 again. I made a Gmail if you want to get in touch. I'd love to talk more.

dcumsecondaryif@gmail.com

Not my real one, obviously, but didn't want to put it out here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My child is in preschool and every time I go to drop off and pick up I see pregnant moms or moms with babies everywhere. I would like to make new friends who only have one child or who don't have kids at all, but not sure how to do that. I'm in a book club and an exercise group but no luck making friends there yet.

I'm 15:07, and this is me. I do carpool some days because I just cannot deal.

Book club also hasn't been a safe space for me. Two babies this year.

Where do you live, OP? We could be friends. I'm actually fun when I'm not bombarded with babies.

OP here. I'm in NoVA. It would be wonderful to make a new friend who can relate to the secondary infertility journey.

Anonymous wrote:

My child is in preschool and every time I go to drop off and pick up I see pregnant moms or moms with babies everywhere. I would like to make new friends who only have one child or who don't have kids at all, but not sure how to do that. I'm in a book club and an exercise group but no luck making friends there yet.

I'm 15:07, and this is me. I do carpool some days because I just cannot deal.

Book club also hasn't been a safe space for me. Two babies this year.

Where do you live, OP? We could be friends. I'm actually fun when I'm not bombarded with babies.

OP here. I don't have any friends going through this so no one to talk to about it. I have no interest in talking about it to friends who have 2-3 kids. And my friends who are OAD for reasons other than infertility or by choice can't really relate either. I tried a therapist but it was not helpful at all. I also tried to find support groups but was not able to find any who would accept me (the primary infertility groups would not accept me).

I've had several good friends have their second or third kids this past year and that was really hard. I went to all their baby showers (even hosted one myself for a friend) but felt really sad at the same time. Now I find I avoid being around these friends with newborns/babies because it's just too emotionally challenging for me. My husband feels the same way--he avoids these friends too. All they talk about is their newborns and feeding, sleeping issues, etc. and I just cannot relate at all.

My child is in preschool and every time I go to drop off and pick up I see pregnant moms or moms with babies everywhere. I would like to make new friends who only have one child or who don't have kids at all, but not sure how to do that. I'm in a book club and an exercise group but no luck making friends there yet.

Me. I'm going through it now. I have had to watch and smile while almost every other family has had #2 and/or #3.

I get yelled at by my pregnant for being unsupportive on the days I can't listen to their complaints. I get 100 percent of the blame for our issues, even though my tests have all come back with good numbers. I have a big genetic problem that makes most interventions too risky.

And if one more person expresses fake envy of how much "easier" it is with one child, I will have to deck them. I can't take much more of this.

Yes. Started earlier or around my friends. Experienced unexplained secondary infertility and ended up watching all of these other families have two or three more children while I was unsuccessful. Felt like I could plan an invasion of another country with all the charts, maps, graphs and apps I had to track fertility, temp, ovulation, days we tried.... it was exhausting. And felt like I could not talk about it. I felt jealous, shame (no idea why), and like they could not relate.

Finally saw RE. Three IUI and then succes that ended in miscarriage. Two more IUI and delivered that healthy baby in July. What helped the most was being able to talk about it. One childless friend at work was willing to listen as I talked about treatments, lack of success, medications, appointments, and sadness. I also found two other people who were open about their experiences and were willing to talk. One had been trying for more than 5 years and had experienced multiple miscarriages - including second trimester losses. She was willing to talk to me, listen, let me vent.

I would suggest finding a support system - people you are willing to talk to about this - even if they can’t relate. Friends, Infertility support group - there are a few in the area or a therapist. This is experience is long and challenging and lonely without taking to others.

Got pregnant with my first child right away, and had a super easy pregnancy and delivery. We started TTC #2 right away. Found out through a day 3 blood test when my son was 15 months old that I had decreased ovarian reserve--just mildly though. The doctor said with my low AMH "it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant." I didn't believe him and saw multiple REs, went to Cornell, etc. and did infertility treatments.

Now it's been 4 years of TTC #2, multiple infertility treatments, and nothing worked. Almost all my friends have 2 or 3 kids by now, even though I started TTC way before they did. I do have a few friends who are one and done, but by choice. I don't know anyone else going through secondary infertility and it feels very isolating. I feel very sad about this, on a daily basis. I'm not interested in donor eggs. We can't afford adoption or a surrogate now that we paid so much, all out of pocket, for multiple IVFs.

Can anyone else relate?