Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:15
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
him, not me. voice thingie on my phone
Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:15
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
let me move out. next time he says it, help him pack and carry his shit out the door.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:14
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
stop helping him with his business. stop going through and sorting his business mail. the business is on the way to failure and spinning your wheels trying to help him (while also working and mothering two children with zero appreciation, if not outright hostility for your efforts) will only prolong this failure. You need to do what you can to separate your family finances from his business so that the business going under doesn't make your family bankrupt. Hopefully he set his business up appropriately to protect his family? if not, that alone would make me want to pursue a divorce.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:10
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
Anonymous wrote:
I am in your shoes, OP, and have been for a while. However I am here on a visa that does not allow me to earn income. There is no way I can divorce him. And my husband wonders why I have been having PANIC ATTACKS.
OP here. I am so sorry that you are not allowed to work. It must be awful to be chained to somebody with no chance of being independent. Can't you go to another country or change your visa status? Talk to a good immigration lawyer.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:08
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
OP here again. There have been many other problems in the past years, so his inability to manage a business is definitely not the only reason to get out. He himself says every week (even in front of the children) that he wants to move out.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:04
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
OP here. Thanks for your input, everybody.
I don't think that H has ADHD. He has simply been always this removed from reality concerning practical things.
He is adamant about having his own business. He says that he cannot go back to working for others.
I hope so much that in a year he will be able hire someone to do the work that I am doing, which is basically the entire management and administration. It is hard to work for somebody who doesn't want me to do that work.
And I also hope that I will find the mental strength to deal with him during the coming year until I can get out.
I don't think that H has ADHD. He has simply been always this removed from reality concerning practical things.
He is adamant about having his own business. He says that he cannot go back to working for others.
I hope so much that in a year he will be able hire someone to do the work that I am doing, which is basically the entire management and administration. It is hard to work for somebody who doesn't want me to do that work.
And I also hope that I will find the mental strength to deal with him during the coming year until I can get out.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 12:01
Subject: Re:Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
Anonymous wrote:Business owner here. He's probably stressed about it too. Sit down and decide on an achievable goal in X months, like by July next year, if the business has not made at least $100k, then you'll shut it down and move on. You both need to agree to this, and stick to it. If he doesn't want you "getting involved" then don't. Let him fail on his own.
As another poster mentioned, a good way to bail this out is to find a person to come on as a partner or even acquirer. Find someone in the same industry, like the owner of a competing business (if you want to sell) or the assistant manager of a competing business who is looking to move up a notch and hire them. You can indeed sell your business and then earn an operating fee, like your DH would work for the business as an employee and maybe take a small profit-sharing.
It was unwise to buy the property outright instead of first leasing (this works better for a stable busienss that's looking to expand), but that's the past so not much you can do.
What type of business is it? I actually advise startups on a volunteer basis. I may be able to give industry-specific tips.
Besides helping with possible ADHD, this is sound advice. Come up with a plan together. There is no reason why this should be an automatic divorce. That said, don't let it go on for TOO long or the financial stress of everything will destroy your family. My folks are evidence of it. My father was a brilliant man and decided to go off on his own and start a machinery company as well. Mom was supportive as well, of course, but after years of missed deadlines, refusal to go back to an office job, non-payments by shitty clients, my parents' marriage had deteriorated to the point where my mother saw my father as an incapable provider for the family and that was the death knell. They stuck it out but were never the same. Mom went back to work, etc.
OP - support him but at some point, there is a cut bait moment (with the business and later on, perhaps in the marriage). He needs to understand that.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 11:54
Subject: Re:Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
Business owner here. He's probably stressed about it too. Sit down and decide on an achievable goal in X months, like by July next year, if the business has not made at least $100k, then you'll shut it down and move on. You both need to agree to this, and stick to it. If he doesn't want you "getting involved" then don't. Let him fail on his own.
As another poster mentioned, a good way to bail this out is to find a person to come on as a partner or even acquirer. Find someone in the same industry, like the owner of a competing business (if you want to sell) or the assistant manager of a competing business who is looking to move up a notch and hire them. You can indeed sell your business and then earn an operating fee, like your DH would work for the business as an employee and maybe take a small profit-sharing.
It was unwise to buy the property outright instead of first leasing (this works better for a stable busienss that's looking to expand), but that's the past so not much you can do.
What type of business is it? I actually advise startups on a volunteer basis. I may be able to give industry-specific tips.
As another poster mentioned, a good way to bail this out is to find a person to come on as a partner or even acquirer. Find someone in the same industry, like the owner of a competing business (if you want to sell) or the assistant manager of a competing business who is looking to move up a notch and hire them. You can indeed sell your business and then earn an operating fee, like your DH would work for the business as an employee and maybe take a small profit-sharing.
It was unwise to buy the property outright instead of first leasing (this works better for a stable busienss that's looking to expand), but that's the past so not much you can do.
What type of business is it? I actually advise startups on a volunteer basis. I may be able to give industry-specific tips.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 11:48
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
I am in your shoes, OP, and have been for a while. However I am here on a visa that does not allow me to earn income. There is no way I can divorce him. And my husband wonders why I have been having PANIC ATTACKS.
I have a solution for you.
Your husband is showing all the signs of ADHD. Not being able to prioritize, multitask and pay attention to details are all red flags. ADHD can be successfully treated with a daily stimulant medication.
You need to get him to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis, and sell this as a solution to everything: he will be independent and you won't need to nag and mother him. He will need a cardiac work-up before taking medication for ADHD - stimulants can be dangerous for certain types of cardiac issues, but have been proven, over a span of 50 years, to be otherwise safe.
Be sure to accompany him to his appointment, because the psychiatrist needs an outside witness to describe the impact of the patient's behavior. Most mental health patients cannot accurately understand the consequence of their actions on their immediate environment.
Sadly, my own husband denies he has ADHD, even though he has been diagnosed and received a prescription. I hope your husband can be more reasonable.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 11:45
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
Anonymous wrote:I need some impartial advice as my head is boiling and cannot think straight anymore.
My husband has worked as an independent contractor for many years, where he just needed to provide his labor. That work required him to travel constantly, sometimes for months at an end. Because he wanted to have his own business, we purchased him a large store (cheaper than renting beyond the first seven years) and a lot of expensive machinery. He recently opened the store, but has screwed up many things: it is still only partially furnished, the website is not functioning, and he has no staff or clients whatsoever.
While he worked as an independent contractor and now too I have handled all of his accounting, tax returns, insurances, licenses, contracts, banking, billing, invoice payments, retirement contributions, investments, etc.
Nevertheless, throughout this time and now more so than ever he has kept saying that I should stay out of his hair, "not interfere" with his business and focus on my work instead. But the problem is that he is completely incapable of managing a business. Just a tiny example: recently he signed blindly a contract form that his contract partner had incorrectly filled out with H' own basic details like business name and tax ID number. He was not even able to review and correct the blatant mistakes in these basic details.
If I didn't deal with the incoming mail he would not get anything done.
Yesterday I found out that he has not even distributed the business cards that I had designed and ordered many months ago, because he doesn't like a minuscule detail that nobody would notice. That's when I completely lost it.
I work as an independent contractor, too, and take care of our two young kids. Because of H's heavy work commitments I decided some years ago to quit the corporate world, in order to have more flexibility. As a result until recently he earned 5x what I make. But now with his own store, his little income doesn't even cover his business loan repayments.
He is convinced that his business is bound to bloom in a couple of months, and that I am just complaining, criticizing and generally making his life miserable. He threatens every week to move out.
I am so worried that we will soon not be able to pay our mortgage, not to mention his own business loan payments. I can hardly think straight. I am concentrating on my work, but can likely not do enough business development quickly enough to cover all of our living expenses.
I am tired of not getting any appreciation from him for my help. I would love to get a divorce, but I don't want to blow up our children's lives.
I hope that he will find a COO who will take over all that I have been doing for his business. Dealing with him makes my mind boil, I am in a constant rage. How far is this from the peaceful mindset in which I would like live my life. I cannot live in this rage anymore. I am sure one can say that it is a question of attitude, that it is up to me not to react to the situation with such a rage.
But it has gotten to a point where I can hardly muster a minimum of friendliness toward him, seeing how incompetent and unrealistic he is.
Ok, so he's not a very good manager or business operator (perhaps overwhelmed with everything) and divorce is your solution? WTF
Anonymous
10/05/2018 11:38
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
This doesn't sound at all like a recipe for success.
He can't do it all. He needs some staff.
You working part time is likely more of a hindrance at certain points more than a help. It's hard to have someone swoop in mid work and think they know what is going on and so on.
Sit down this weekend and figure out who he needs to hire to be successful. He can hire a virtual assistant for lots of tasks if he can't afford in person. He should also hire someone to finish up the website. He can get someone remote for this task as well. You can use any of those freelancer sites and find someone who can do these tasks relatively quickly and cheaply and if it doesn't work out, it's easy to pay for the task at hand and cut your loses. No long contract needed.
He needs to hire at least one staff to work in the store front with him.
Go get whatever furniture is needed this weekend to complete the setup or just rearrange whatever you have at the moment and worry about this later.
He can't do it all. He needs some staff.
You working part time is likely more of a hindrance at certain points more than a help. It's hard to have someone swoop in mid work and think they know what is going on and so on.
Sit down this weekend and figure out who he needs to hire to be successful. He can hire a virtual assistant for lots of tasks if he can't afford in person. He should also hire someone to finish up the website. He can get someone remote for this task as well. You can use any of those freelancer sites and find someone who can do these tasks relatively quickly and cheaply and if it doesn't work out, it's easy to pay for the task at hand and cut your loses. No long contract needed.
He needs to hire at least one staff to work in the store front with him.
Go get whatever furniture is needed this weekend to complete the setup or just rearrange whatever you have at the moment and worry about this later.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 11:24
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
OP here. His business has been open only for a few months.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 11:12
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
Many idiots manage to make their small businesses work. There's hope. The relationship dynamic of working together, the idea that the business would take-a-loss for a considerable amount of time in the beginning, these things you should have expected. You haven't said how long ago the business was started. Unless it's 3 years, this worry is misplaced or the two of you were very naive going in.
Anonymous
10/05/2018 10:20
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
Go talk this over with a lawyer who’ll help you figure out what your options are. You have to financially protect yourself and your kids
Anonymous
10/05/2018 10:17
Subject: Incapable H goes deep in debt for new business, screws it up, ignores my help -at the end of my wits
I need some impartial advice as my head is boiling and cannot think straight anymore.
My husband has worked as an independent contractor for many years, where he just needed to provide his labor. That work required him to travel constantly, sometimes for months at an end. Because he wanted to have his own business, we purchased him a large store (cheaper than renting beyond the first seven years) and a lot of expensive machinery. He recently opened the store, but has screwed up many things: it is still only partially furnished, the website is not functioning, and he has no staff or clients whatsoever.
While he worked as an independent contractor and now too I have handled all of his accounting, tax returns, insurances, licenses, contracts, banking, billing, invoice payments, retirement contributions, investments, etc.
Nevertheless, throughout this time and now more so than ever he has kept saying that I should stay out of his hair, "not interfere" with his business and focus on my work instead. But the problem is that he is completely incapable of managing a business. Just a tiny example: recently he signed blindly a contract form that his contract partner had incorrectly filled out with H' own basic details like business name and tax ID number. He was not even able to review and correct the blatant mistakes in these basic details.
If I didn't deal with the incoming mail he would not get anything done.
Yesterday I found out that he has not even distributed the business cards that I had designed and ordered many months ago, because he doesn't like a minuscule detail that nobody would notice. That's when I completely lost it.
I work as an independent contractor, too, and take care of our two young kids. Because of H's heavy work commitments I decided some years ago to quit the corporate world, in order to have more flexibility. As a result until recently he earned 5x what I make. But now with his own store, his little income doesn't even cover his business loan repayments.
He is convinced that his business is bound to bloom in a couple of months, and that I am just complaining, criticizing and generally making his life miserable. He threatens every week to move out.
I am so worried that we will soon not be able to pay our mortgage, not to mention his own business loan payments. I can hardly think straight. I am concentrating on my work, but can likely not do enough business development quickly enough to cover all of our living expenses.
I am tired of not getting any appreciation from him for my help. I would love to get a divorce, but I don't want to blow up our children's lives.
I hope that he will find a COO who will take over all that I have been doing for his business. Dealing with him makes my mind boil, I am in a constant rage. How far is this from the peaceful mindset in which I would like live my life. I cannot live in this rage anymore. I am sure one can say that it is a question of attitude, that it is up to me not to react to the situation with such a rage.
But it has gotten to a point where I can hardly muster a minimum of friendliness toward him, seeing how incompetent and unrealistic he is.
My husband has worked as an independent contractor for many years, where he just needed to provide his labor. That work required him to travel constantly, sometimes for months at an end. Because he wanted to have his own business, we purchased him a large store (cheaper than renting beyond the first seven years) and a lot of expensive machinery. He recently opened the store, but has screwed up many things: it is still only partially furnished, the website is not functioning, and he has no staff or clients whatsoever.
While he worked as an independent contractor and now too I have handled all of his accounting, tax returns, insurances, licenses, contracts, banking, billing, invoice payments, retirement contributions, investments, etc.
Nevertheless, throughout this time and now more so than ever he has kept saying that I should stay out of his hair, "not interfere" with his business and focus on my work instead. But the problem is that he is completely incapable of managing a business. Just a tiny example: recently he signed blindly a contract form that his contract partner had incorrectly filled out with H' own basic details like business name and tax ID number. He was not even able to review and correct the blatant mistakes in these basic details.
If I didn't deal with the incoming mail he would not get anything done.
Yesterday I found out that he has not even distributed the business cards that I had designed and ordered many months ago, because he doesn't like a minuscule detail that nobody would notice. That's when I completely lost it.
I work as an independent contractor, too, and take care of our two young kids. Because of H's heavy work commitments I decided some years ago to quit the corporate world, in order to have more flexibility. As a result until recently he earned 5x what I make. But now with his own store, his little income doesn't even cover his business loan repayments.
He is convinced that his business is bound to bloom in a couple of months, and that I am just complaining, criticizing and generally making his life miserable. He threatens every week to move out.
I am so worried that we will soon not be able to pay our mortgage, not to mention his own business loan payments. I can hardly think straight. I am concentrating on my work, but can likely not do enough business development quickly enough to cover all of our living expenses.
I am tired of not getting any appreciation from him for my help. I would love to get a divorce, but I don't want to blow up our children's lives.
I hope that he will find a COO who will take over all that I have been doing for his business. Dealing with him makes my mind boil, I am in a constant rage. How far is this from the peaceful mindset in which I would like live my life. I cannot live in this rage anymore. I am sure one can say that it is a question of attitude, that it is up to me not to react to the situation with such a rage.
But it has gotten to a point where I can hardly muster a minimum of friendliness toward him, seeing how incompetent and unrealistic he is.