OP here. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. DH is in the best job he has had now. I know it is not perfect, but he has not tried to find another one before deciding he needs to pursue further training. I also think some of this may be an early midlife crisis.

I do not like my in-laws, but I have tried to keep this from affecting my relationship with DH. He has always said though the more we do things for ourselves, the happier we will be, and has not wanted to go to them for money even though they are quite comfortable and there were definitely times when we could have used the help. The part that upsets me is he changed his tune quickly when he wanted something for himself.

It sounds like he came to you and had an idea and wanted to go with plan A. You said no. You will do plan B. He didn't want to do plan B so he took what you said about te downsides of plan A and found a way to do it without I'll effect on you.

Your comments about wanting to teach him a lesson make it sounds like you treat him quite terribly. That is a pretty awful way to treat a spouse. I am huessif he doesn't see you as supportive, you are never happy with what he does, and that you need everything your way and for this the thing where he decided he wasn't your child, he is an adult and he was going to make his own decisions.

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a Peter Pan . Not gonna grow up.

Has he ever has a good job or not flittered around from thing to thing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really think that you have the right to prevent a grown person from asking his own parents for something.

I want to amend my statement to add "unless you are now responsible for paying it back". Otherwise, it's a gift, and it's between them.

I think OP should have been included in the conversation - ALL CONVERSATIONS - about her & her husbands household expenses, including tuition payments. His parents need to treat them as one unit and no going behind either's back. Thus, they should have gone together to ask.

I hope this is a no strings attached gift of money. Otherwise payback time will bite yo@$$ later.

Anonymous wrote:You have issues with your IL, and you're taking it out on your DH.

It's crystal clear in your post.

This.

Mommy insists that the little boy she married seek her permission before he makes any important decisions. She is displeased at this display of defiant independence. But how to bring him back in line?

Maybe he went to his folks b/c he feared judgement/criticism from you?

A lot of inlaws never ever ask DILs if they're okay or need help. I've been in the hospital and don't even get a text. I think they might talk to DH, but not to me. They told me they expect my parents to care for me (and by that they mean me and the kids).

Anyways, I don't see why money from a parent is an issue unless there are strings attached.

My parents gave me a small lump sum a few years ago. Their reasoning was that they didn't need it now, and they'd rather have me use and enjoy the money than just inherit it when they die.

Perhaps DH had a conversation with his parents where they came to a similar conclusion.

So maybe that's a round about way of saying, their money, their decision.

You have issues with your IL, and you're taking it out on your DH.

It's crystal clear in your post.

He sounds like a Peter Pan . Not gonna grow up.

Anonymous wrote:I don't really think that you have the right to prevent a grown person from asking his own parents for something.

I want to amend my statement to add "unless you are now responsible for paying it back". Otherwise, it's a gift, and it's between them.

I don't really think that you have the right to prevent a grown person from asking his own parents for something.

The two issues are separate. You don't like the inlaws.

DH has had a fairly bumpy career trajectory, but he went back to school for additional graduate training, and for the last few years he has been working a solid, but not very inspiring, job. He came to me and said he would like to finish a master’s in this field, and I agreed that it would be something to pursue part time. We disagreed about the financing it though, and I encouraged him to take a class or two at a time and to pursue tuition remission through his employer.

He apparently was not satisfied with that and went to his parents for the money and had extensive conversations about it with them without telling me. His parents agreed to pay for it, and he told me about it when it was all arranged. He said this will benefit all of us, so I do not have a reason to be upset. These are the same parents who never once asked if I was okay when our DS was very little and their son was unemployed and who have consistently made little to no effort with him. I feel like DH is condoning this behavior by going to them and that he is undervaluing our marriage by not discussing this with me first.

I also had hoped that if DH had to seek tuition remission, etc he would take the whole thing more seriously and be proactive about career advances. Now I am not so sure. I can see someone saying it is their money, their decision, but I feel very uncertain about my relationship
with DH.

Thanks for any suggestions.