It sounds like you're uncomfortable with any change. You're going to get old regardless, and your identity will be challenged as you hit middle age/ menopause and step into a caretaking role for your parents, retire, face health issues, etc. Younger people will think you're boring, unhip, and frumpy whether you do or don't have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

Yeah, moms look like losers on the outside. But they have kids, a family to go home to.

I totally get where you're coming from. DH and I NEVER wanted kids - until we 100% did all of a sudden, but it involved a two year discussion process of all of our fears and anxiety. We called it a 'period of discernment.' What you are describing was HIGH on my list of fears.

I wrote a long list of everything I was afraid of and it was very cathartic. Plus, there's a lot about you that makes you awesome, unique and really cool - and you'll get to pass those qualities, and share your obscure likes and dislikes on to another person (your own son or daughter.)

You also get to pick out your favorite parts of your childhood and share those with your child, which is pretty amazing.

Newsflash: all women, regardless of whether they have kids, lose their "cool." You're going to age and die like all of us.

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

OP here. This is true. But the childless older women I know seem to have managed to retain a sense of cool or sophistication. They do not have the mom cuts or unflattering suits or stressed out harried look about them. They're composed, stylish and have many interests...I think being a mother takes that away from you...or so it appears from the outside.

You're likely not as cool as you think you are.

you sound like my wife. I think it's true - a lot of women have these thoughts

There's a lot of negatives associated with being a mom (or dad). Hopefully, the positives outweigh them.

Are you considering having kids? What is your motivation to have children?

I felt this way too but 1) you don’t look back after your kid is like 3-4 yrs old and 2) honestly you’re already old and uncool being 40 and childless doesn’t make you young or cool you’re just old.

Okay. Then don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Double

I think you will be shocked by how much less you may care about these things once you have kids.

And, it’s also very possible to keep your identity AND be a good mom.

I am an early thirties woman who is rather petrified at the prospect of losing my identity and "cool" when I become a mom. Growing up the word "mom" didn't have any positive connotations with it. Moms were nagging, boring, old. If they're SAHMs they have no lives and revolve around their kids. If they're working they're always stressed out and unpleasant. They lose their looks and become frumpy.

etc etc

Basically...I am afraid about losing myself in my kids and being one of "those" moms which is basically all moms.