NP with child from my own eggs and one DE child. I can confirm that it really doesn't make a difference - I love them both so, so much. Obviously, YMMV, but I think my experience (loving both kids equally) is common among moms who have own egg and DE kids.

If there were any advice I'd give, I'd say if you desperately want another baby, even if you're even not 100% on board with DE, start looking into it now. I'm so glad I didn't wait. BTW, OP, I was about your age when I started the DE process. Also, if you're able to go to a clinic that allows for some sort of contact between the donor and the parent (such as a contract - not really enforceable but nice to have - stating that the donor and the parents will sign up on the Donor Sibling Registry), that is also in my opinion ideal.

Actually, I re-read your OP and I see that you are a two mom family. If you don't want to do donor egg plus donor sperm, consider donor embryo. We donated our remaining embryos on Miracles Waiting, and we've been very happy with the experience.

Good luck!

We used DE and weirdly, although our donor doesn't look anything like me, our LO looks strikingly similar to me. But we have just a single child. If you are considering DE, please consider whether or not you would truly treat your fully biological child identically to the DE child.

And it may be time to stop. I don't know about you, but I'm about the same age as you and one kid is tiring enough! And I'm finding myself with a lot less energy than I had a few years ago.

I am 42 and have a 9 month old DE baby (our first child is from my own eggs). It's hard to think back to all the thoughts and doubts and fears I had about using a donor... it all seems so distant now as he is so amazing and I can't imagine our family without him. Anyway, if you have the resources, I highly recommend going the donor route. I refused to put any more time or resources into attempting to use my own eggs- and I knew adoption would take a long time. Our counselor helped us come to the conclusion that DE was the quickest way to grow our family. Despite an ectopic pregnancy and then one BFP, we had success on our third try which was about 6 months after our donor did the retrieval. Good luck!
If you do want to look further into DE, check out PVED.org. Lots of great resources.

What clinic are you working with? We are also a same sex couple, and though my wife was younger when we started trying for a second, she was already dealing with a host of issues, mainly not getting anything to day 5. We switched from SG to Dr. Davis at Cornell. She got pregnant twice at Cornell but had two miscarriages. That’s when we sought Dr. Bravermsn’s help and found out there were issues with endometriosis and MTHFR. Second FET on his protocol at Cornell with embryos frozen on day 2 worked. Our boys are a little over 4.5 years apart. Not what we planned but they couldn’t love each other more. And it’s nice having one in K before the second is 1 to space out childcare costs. My advice - if you don’t feel done, don’t give up. I’m so glad we didn’t.

There are counselors that help with DE issues including giving parents a sense what DE kids typically think. The Donor Sibling Registry website has lots of resources, too. But keep in mind that they have info from people with all different opinions, so you will see plenty of things that take issue with some of the ethics of how DE/DS can work. The DE process does give you plenty to think about re ethics, and it's good that you're thinking about how a child would feel.

In any event, I hope you don't have to do DE, not b/c it's bad, but b/c it's certainly easier not to. If you're thinking it may be an option, doing the research and looking at donors while you're still doing OE IVF is a good idea. Good luck!

22:13 not to give false hope, but keep going until you can't do anymore. I was given a DE speech at 40 and ended up getting pregnant against all odds. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but hang in there as long as you can-

I started at 40, now 42 with nothing to show but 2 miscarriages with PGS normal embryos (own egg). I am struggling to now think about donor egg- I know in my heart I would absolutely love a donor egg baby, but I worry about the child as it gets older - will he or she feel like they were bought? Will they have an identity crisis? So I keep plodding along - I’m still getting decent yields, so retrieving as many as I can until the well runs dry or I can’t stomach anymore ivfs.

Anonymous wrote:I am a single woman, also 42. I am working with blasts made in the 12 months but I am finished with harvests given my age. I have a similar issue to OP that I need fertility treatments to get pregnant even though my reserve and AFC are fine (eqq quality likely not great). I am way more comfortable with DE than when I started this process 3 years ago and even than I was even a year ago. I will say I did face a moment of certainty about it. I know I will try DE once that is the only option. IDK how sad I will be if DE doesnt work but I know for sure I wont have closure if my own eggs dont work.

* blasts made in the last 12 months

I am a single woman, also 42. I am working with blasts made in the 12 months but I am finished with harvests given my age. I have a similar issue to OP that I need fertility treatments to get pregnant even though my reserve and AFC are fine (eqq quality likely not great). I am way more comfortable with DE than when I started this process 3 years ago and even than I was even a year ago. I will say I did face a moment of certainty about it. I know I will try DE once that is the only option. IDK how sad I will be if DE doesnt work but I know for sure I wont have closure if my own eggs dont work.

I have a friend in the same situation (same sex couple, lots of years of trying) who kept going. They eventually had another baby when she was 45. She was of course older than she wanted to be and the child spacing is larger than they wanted, but she and her partner are happy.

I think it depends on your emotional and financial resources to keep going.

So sorry! I feel the same way. I did end up doing DE (after 6 IVF cycles, and 4 failed transfers). Had our first easily (yay for a lottery win!), but then found out we have severe MF, plus I was 41 b/c I got started late. After a chemical from that last cycle at 43, I decided it didn't make sense to keep going (still wanted to, though). I never had issues with the concept of DE and having a DE child, but it did take me a while to get comfortable with the realities of the actual process. I started researching when I started my second cycle, and had already selected the donor and completed quite a bit of paperwork when I did my last OE cycle. Not that moving to DE is the same, but I definitely didn't "feel" done with OE. It was my logical side knowing that I was moving into the realm of irrational if I kept going. Having DE as an option just made it a zillion times easier emotionally than going cold turkey.

My friend decided to stop at 1 - I think my experience put her off of IVF. She planned stuff she loved to do that she couldn't do pregnant or with a tiny baby as a way to get over the hump.

Donor Egg!

We have no chance of conceiving any baby if not for ICSI IVF. MF is our reason. We have our 1st child from the very 1st IVF-ICSI and wanting a sibling. But, now that I am at a much advanced age, my age also contributes to the failed results thus far. Because our case is MF and we only have one frozen sample left, after this last vial is used up, no matter the outcome, that is the end of our journey.

I just did a pregnancy test and found out that the FET with my final embryo didn't take. I'm 42.5. Starting at age 36, I've done 6 IUIs, three egg harvests, created 10 5-day blasts and 2 3-day blasts. I had two early miscarriages and had one baby (feel so lucky for that)! No diagnosis--just seems that I have crappy eggs.

I loved being pregnant and I really REALLY wanted a second baby. But we told ourselves that this would be our last attempt. My partner is 45, I'm 42.5, and it just feels like we have to stop at some point.

How do you know when you're done? I don't *feel* done, in that I'd love to have another. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'll ever feel done. Any tips and advice?

We're a same sex couple, so we can't just say, "well, we'll stop treatment and see what happens." If we want another kid, it means back to IVF (low chance of working) or egg donors or adoption.

I'd love to hear about others' experiences. I wrote that this post is about secondary infertility in the subject line because I know this topic can be hard for those trying for a first baby (I was THERE for so long).