Anonymous wrote:MYOB

DP I think you are reading the wrong thread! Op is complementing the parents for their parenting techniques! Honestly, you really don't know them since you admit you haven't spent time with them. They could have stopped doing their permissive act and started doing something else.

I hope you tell your SIL and BIL how impressed you were by the gentleman he has become. I think they would be so happy to hear about your experience.

I know many of our friends feel this way about how we handle our son. It can easily look like pandering, or spoiling.

What's really going on is the result of a TON of work learning how to parent this child differently. My dream result is the adult you describe OP. My current reality is a very challenging little boy and the endless judgment of others.

Yup. My parents used to catch all kinds of judgement from my aunt about how they raised my sibling and I. They were too lenient, etc., etc. My sibling and I are college educated with professional careers, six figure salaries, in stable marriages with stable families and own our own homes.

My aunt and her husband had all sorts of rules and boundaries. One child died of an overdose about a year after his girlfriend had their second drug addicted baby. Their first one was placed in foster care and they had their parental rights revoked due to drug use. He had been to jail more than once and never went to college. The second one has also been to jail. Never been to college. Has a retial job. And has a baby with his girlfriend.

Go figure.

The fact is this happens a lot, but that makes judgy people get their knickers in a knot so it's not discussed. Also the opposite happens: good parents who enforce boundaries and are reasonable and kind can produce monsters.

Yeah, this is my experience too -- despite dire warnings that the kids will be spoiled or picky, they turn out ok.

I remember thinking my little cousin was so bratty and spoiled the couple times we went to visit him. His mom completely babied him -- I remember her chasing him around to spoon feed him because he refused to sit at the table to eat, he just wanted to play. He was like 8 or 9, not a toddler. She was also a hypochondriac who insisted her kids had all kinds of ailments and needed special diets and rest all the time. I thought for sure he would turn out like Norman Bates. Fast forward 20 year and I saw him again (we live in different countries, not close) and he's this tall, healthy nice and normal young man.

Same with with my DD's little friend. Her mom let her eat whatever she wanted because she was picky -- i.e., she was allowed to have chocolate milk instead of regular because she refused the regular. Now's she's 8 and is no longer picky -- eats a lot of different foods.

MYOB

Maybe it was more that he grew up knowing he was loved and cared for (whereas you saw it as being catered to) and learned to accept the consequences of his own actions (which you saw as doing anything he wanted)

Sounds to me like they are very nice people who raised naturally nice kids without needing punishments or boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids were complete brats. SIL didn't think they should ever have to cry. Plus SIL/BIL are very nice people (aka complete pushovers) and the kids were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted, with no consequences. I remember the boy in particular would start to cry or whine about something and they would immediately stop everything to cater to him. I haven't seen them in a few years, but recently saw the boy, who is now grown. He graduated from HYP-type school and is now in professional grad school. He is the nicest young man you'll ever meet. He spent hours patiently playing with my three much younger kids, is polite, helpful, and clearly very kind. It was the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I might start letting my kids do whatever they want, too.

Yea, as much as we think we have control over outcomes as parents, the truth is nature beats out nurture the vast majority of the time, assuming the kids are provided with relatively stable childhoods.

yup
the kid grew up to be nice just like his parents.

So, you were judging parents before you had children? Shocking that you were so clueless to figure out what the result of the parenting would be.

If BIL and SIL are very nice, this is not surprising.

You haven’t seen them in a few years? Weird.

How often did you see them? They could have been very strict at home behind closed doors when you weren't around. There were times when I did something as a kid when we were out and KNEW there would be absolute hell to pay once we got home.

Anonymous wrote:The kids were complete brats. SIL didn't think they should ever have to cry. Plus SIL/BIL are very nice people (aka complete pushovers) and the kids were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted, with no consequences. I remember the boy in particular would start to cry or whine about something and they would immediately stop everything to cater to him. I haven't seen them in a few years, but recently saw the boy, who is now grown. He graduated from HYP-type school and is now in professional grad school. He is the nicest young man you'll ever meet. He spent hours patiently playing with my three much younger kids, is polite, helpful, and clearly very kind. It was the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I might start letting my kids do whatever they want, too.

Yea, as much as we think we have control over outcomes as parents, the truth is nature beats out nurture the vast majority of the time, assuming the kids are provided with relatively stable childhoods.

Nice twist at the end. Be assured your pushover BIL and SIL did set some boundaries amidst their "catering" to their kids.

The kids were complete brats. SIL didn't think they should ever have to cry. Plus SIL/BIL are very nice people (aka complete pushovers) and the kids were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted, with no consequences. I remember the boy in particular would start to cry or whine about something and they would immediately stop everything to cater to him. I haven't seen them in a few years, but recently saw the boy, who is now grown. He graduated from HYP-type school and is now in professional grad school. He is the nicest young man you'll ever meet. He spent hours patiently playing with my three much younger kids, is polite, helpful, and clearly very kind. It was the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I might start letting my kids do whatever they want, too.