I would contact an elder care or nursing service and hire a part-time nurse that you can have do short daily visits to your father, say an hour a day or so. Have them go by the assisted living facility, talk to your every day, find out "how he is" and if he needs anything and to communicate with you and the facility daily on coordinating what he needs. I would make a visit to see him before you start the service to go, meet the nurse in question, and bring him/her to see your father, so you can introduce them. You can tell him that this is a friend of yours who is nearby and you are asking him/her to stop by daily to check in on him since you can't do it yourself. Then you can still call him to socialize, but neither of you have to get stressed that you need to communicate about his needs during the call.

In my experienced, seniors, especially those who are losing some of their autonomy (anywhere from losing the freedom to drive, to needing help taking care of themselves, to needing full time care) get stressed and more resistant to things that make them further estranged from people, especially people they know. So, losing the visits of people they recognize, having to deal with unfamiliar technology and having to rely on people and things (like hearing aids, assisted vision technology, walkers, scooters, canes and more) all add stress and make them more resistant to go along and rely on such things. Adding a more familiar element, anywhere from a friendly face they see regularly to easy to use devices that ease their issues without making them feel incompetent because they don't know how to use it (as opposed to a computer, mobile device, Skype, etc) can help make them less stressed about communication.

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I’m truly sorry that you are dealing with such difficult situation. It is understandable the way that you feel because you would like that the things went better with your father. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. Even in the darkest moments in our lives there’s always hope. This age is a tough age for them. They discovered that they have a lot of limitations and have to depend of others. Have ever thought of forgiving your father for anything that he did to you in the past that hurt you? Forgiveness does not mean that these things did not happen or that he did right but it means that you let the problem go and you appreciate more that he gave you life and all the sacrifices that he did for you and your siblings. In spite of this I encourage you to treat him with more patience and love. People in this age are expecting to receive more understanding, patience and love. I encourage you to let him know how much you love him. When you visit him, give him hugs, look at his eyes while you are talking to him and hold his hands with affection or tell him, Dad I’m glad to see you again! I encourage you to let him know that you want to improve the communication with him. That’s why you ask him to use the hearing aids. Does your father have a cell phone or iPhone? Have you considered to communicate with him through What’s app or Facebook messenger? That you have to do is only to create an account and it works like a Skype you can do video calls, he only has to press a button. If he is not interested in any of this, at least try one more thing, simply typing letters to him and telling him how you feel and if there is a particular point of topic of concern or interest you wish to discuss with him in a kind way, he will have time to think and reflect what want you to tell him. Do you have a faith or believe system to help guide you through this? I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep your father and all of you in my prayers , my friend.

I don’t know about hearing aids but we use Alexa and the drop in function.

I can “drop in” on my dad. He doesn’t have to do anything. Once it connects, I can just start talking. Using the show or the spot, I can see what he is doing.

you're kidding yourself if you think HA's are going to solve the problem, especially on the phone. Maybe you need a better plan, better care, better location where you can find out what he needs. If you are frustrated, how do you think he feels as the one with the disability?

Caption phone maybe?

Anonymous wrote:My understanding is hearing aids do no work with telephones. There is too much distortion. Any person I know with a hearing aid takes them out to talk on the phone.

they have new hearing aids with bluetooth so it automatically connects to the phone.

My understanding is hearing aids do no work with telephones. There is too much distortion. Any person I know with a hearing aid takes them out to talk on the phone.

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to deal with elder care long distance, but my father is making it much harder than it needs to be.

He is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear his hearing aids. He says they're not comfortable, etc., but his doctor and I think those are just excuses and it's ultimately a control issue. We got him a cordless phone with volume control, but he has trouble remembering how to operate it, and even with the volume turned up, sometimes he hears and understands what we are saying and sometimes he doesn't. He uses email, but it's hard to have a full back-and-forth conversation and get answers to everything that way, and at some point soon, he will probably find it too taxing to sit at his desk and type. He used to use Skype but won't use it anymore (no reason given) and doesn't want an iPad or a laptop computer.

He lives in assisted living, but he is declining and having more medical issues, and he won't hire an aide who can help out and serve as a go-between. The staff of the facility only do so much because they've got a lot of residents and are not on top of many things.

Communicating with him to understand what he might need, and what we need to do to help, is an exercise in frustration, involving shouting and repeating things over and over (and eventually feeling very frustrated and resentful and sometimes throwing up our hands in frustration and giving up) even when we are there in person. When we're not, we feel even more in the dark about what's happening.

Any advice would be appreciated. He has only mild cognitive issues; the main problem is that the difficult side of his personality is even more magnified as he's aged and lost a lot of independence.

Can you just hire somebody? Pretend it's someone you know who's offered to visit or "check in on him?" Or just pretend they are a volunteer? If they are nice and good company he might accept it pretty quickly.

My father refuses his hearing aide a lot because it is uncomfortable. We were told they can be hard to adjust to so I disagree with your doctor. My father is also incredibly difficult so I think his temperament makes it harder for him to adjust to anything.

Does the care center also have skilled nursing home? I ask because, if not, it's harder when it is time to move on the more intensive care.

Good luck. I wish I had answers. Just trying to figure this all out with my own parents.

I would move him close to you in a facility that has more supports. My MIL refused for years and we finally forced the issue. We were lucky we did it when we did right before the dementia got a lot worse as then the move would've been much harder.

OP, as a warning, looking back this was the first sign of my FILs dementia. He was in reality having a hard time mentally following conversation without seeing a face, but didn't want to admit that, so made it about the telephone and the technology. In reality it was early dementia.

I wish we had moved him closer then. He objected to the plan strongly and we deferred to him, but we should have moved him when his brain was elastic enough to deal with the move. He had a bad primary doctor who didn't flag the seriousness of the situation for us (we asked repeatedly about the phone and moving him); when we switched doctors later, the new doctor told us that it was dementia, not hearing or technology resistance (and that doctor turned out to be spot-on).

I am sorry to be depressing, but I am hoping to spare you what we are going through now (moving FIL would likely kill him, but we are far away).

Try to pin down his hearing aid complaints, and then talk to his audiologist or hearing aid dispenser about them. Hopefully his audiologist or hearing aid dispenser is good. Lots of them aren't.

If he is already in assisted living, can you have some ther e in the room while you are talking to interpret?

Any chance you can move him closer to you or someone else?

I don't know much, but isn't there something (using wifii) that would enable your father to see/read text while you are talking to him? Have you talked to his phone provider? Hoping someone will chime in with more information.

I'm trying to deal with elder care long distance, but my father is making it much harder than it needs to be.

He is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear his hearing aids. He says they're not comfortable, etc., but his doctor and I think those are just excuses and it's ultimately a control issue. We got him a cordless phone with volume control, but he has trouble remembering how to operate it, and even with the volume turned up, sometimes he hears and understands what we are saying and sometimes he doesn't. He uses email, but it's hard to have a full back-and-forth conversation and get answers to everything that way, and at some point soon, he will probably find it too taxing to sit at his desk and type. He used to use Skype but won't use it anymore (no reason given) and doesn't want an iPad or a laptop computer.

He lives in assisted living, but he is declining and having more medical issues, and he won't hire an aide who can help out and serve as a go-between. The staff of the facility only do so much because they've got a lot of residents and are not on top of many things.

Communicating with him to understand what he might need, and what we need to do to help, is an exercise in frustration, involving shouting and repeating things over and over (and eventually feeling very frustrated and resentful and sometimes throwing up our hands in frustration and giving up) even when we are there in person. When we're not, we feel even more in the dark about what's happening.

Any advice would be appreciated. He has only mild cognitive issues; the main problem is that the difficult side of his personality is even more magnified as he's aged and lost a lot of independence.