OP - you nailed it perfectly, if you are there for them, then you are the enemy. The other siblings are clueless since they are not regular participants, and simply think your bitter. And you do resent your parents who at one time you looked up to and/or shared a good relationship with. I feel bad asking my siblings to come visit since my mother asks for them so often, she is bored with me, who comes regularly. Its a thankless job unless you count the feeling you get when you buried them, that you did your best.

Yep we are also in this situation. It is very hard and while we have some health aides helping, we get almost no vacation time and are often separated because one of us needs to help several times a week, including some overnights. Meanwhile other sibling family moved away a few months ago and barely contacts us now since they left (don't return texts or emails), so we have had to take up the slack even more since then. Elderly parents not that great financially so this is the best solution so far but it is very wearing on us. And could continue for years to come.

PP here, so to actually respond to OP's post I used to love and appreciate my parents but cannot do that right now because I resent them for how much work they are

I am in the situation where I had what I thought were good parents up until age 25 or so Loving relationship, they did their best for me, etc Then they divorced after 30 years of marriage My mom lived on her own for about 20 more years and at some point during that time, maybe five years in, she basically gave up taking care of herself and decided her children should take of her She made a number of really stupid health decisions and as a result has recently landed in a nursing home

My dad now has dementia and is the biggest a-hole you can imagine I posted here about a terrible visit to my house where he hit me and we had to call the cops He fought guardianship tooth and nail and because he fought it we were not allowed to move him out of his house and we now need another court order to put him in a memory care facility The legal bills are astronomical and I have no idea how we will find a facility for him when he is so combative

I have young children including a child with special needs who has many doctor and therapy appointments and who is much more work behaviorally than a typical child and I am so burned out I am no longer sad or grieving about my parents I just want them to die so the misery can stop And even though I am a big girl who knows that my dad would not choose to treat me like he does it's hard to put the meanness behind me emotionally because you can't help but react I dream of the day when they are gone and this is over and I have such a hard time knowing I feel like this given they were good to me when I was a kid but the bad part has gone on as long as the good part and I just can't anymore I dream of the day when I can travel for Christmas or Thanksgiving and not think of them The only good part is that they are now so much work that my sisters and I have stopped fighting about them and everyone is doing what they can My parents' needs really impacted my relationship with my siblings and I hate them for that too

Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

Would it help to send a weekly/monthly update to your siblings? Then they may get an inkling of what you do.

Another way is to plan a two week vacation and have them come to cover.

Outsource what you can and split the bill 3 ways.

My dad died when he was still lovable and funny and generous and happy and with the grandkids a lot. Very active, helpful and thoughtful.

So, no, I don’t know. It was a very tough loss and incredibly hard.

My mom and I did most of the work for a year with his illness, but he was incredibly thankful and dignified and didn’t want to inconviem e anyone. I wanted to do it. I know my sibling that lived out of state has regrets since the end was unexpected that he wasn’t around ore. My dad understood, but he carries guilt.

I know I was there for everything and I’m glad. Yes, in some ways when they are a burden or unthankful it might be easier than losing them when they are still in a good place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would list out the estimated upcoming visits or needs that will occur during September.
Divide out between the three siblings. Track as it occurs. Repeat at the start of each month. (Review briefly at he halfway point of each month too.)

I don’t want to suggest something that isn’t do-able. So is that a good suggestion?

I know you mean well, but my brother comes once a year and my sister comes 3 times a year and they get catered to when they come. I have tried this approach. What little I get out of them, they expect accolades and feel like they have done their part.

Oh I know this scenario well. The "expect accolades" part especially so. I had reoccurring dreams where I moved 15 minutes further from where the next nearest sibling lives. "Tag, Your it!"

OP here. Thanks! It helps to hear from people who have been there done that and the "tag, you're it" made me laugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would list out the estimated upcoming visits or needs that will occur during September.
Divide out between the three siblings. Track as it occurs. Repeat at the start of each month. (Review briefly at he halfway point of each month too.)

I don’t want to suggest something that isn’t do-able. So is that a good suggestion?

I know you mean well, but my brother comes once a year and my sister comes 3 times a year and they get catered to when they come. I have tried this approach. What little I get out of them, they expect accolades and feel like they have done their part.

Oh I know this scenario well. The "expect accolades" part especially so. I had reoccurring dreams where I moved 15 minutes further from where the next nearest sibling lives. "Tag, Your it!"

Anonymous wrote:I would list out the estimated upcoming visits or needs that will occur during September.
Divide out between the three siblings. Track as it occurs. Repeat at the start of each month. (Review briefly at he halfway point of each month too.)

I don’t want to suggest something that isn’t do-able. So is that a good suggestion?

I know you mean well, but my brother comes once a year and my sister comes 3 times a year and they get catered to when they come. I have tried this approach. What little I get out of them, they expect accolades and feel like they have done their part.

I would list out the estimated upcoming visits or needs that will occur during September.
Divide out between the three siblings. Track as it occurs. Repeat at the start of each month. (Review briefly at he halfway point of each month too.)

I don’t want to suggest something that isn’t do-able. So is that a good suggestion?

All too common. I had no idea how challenging it would be, or the toll it would take. My vague picture of how I thought it would be, and the reality of what it turned out to be contrasted severely.

Very normal.

I am the one closest (quickest drive) dealing with the issues hands on and I have become the "mean mom" to stubborn elderly parents acting resentful (and have my own kids) while my brother and sister have become the golden kids who swoop in and get very little of the obnoxious behavior. No, they are not going to take on more and sadly they enjoy their new "halos" so much they are not going to rock the boat. I used to have a much more pleasant relationship with my parents before their health declined.

I think caring for our elderly parents helps us be at peace when they do pass. I used to think it would be unbearable when I lose them, but when the day comes down the line I think they will have grown more and more hostile and unhappy and I will know they are finally at peace and no longer so miserable. I had developed a friendship with them in adulthood, but that has changed and now I'm a parent to parents who act like toddlers or adolescents and a parent to actual tweens.


Oh and to be clear they don't live with me, so I am no saint. It is just a battle every step of the way from the car keys to retirement to accepting a nurse's aide to taking them to appointments and getting things in place. I am fortunate I don't have to use my own money, they saved well for retirement, but the emotional toll is draining and I have my own family. I take care of myself, but really can't help but wonder if I should have lived much farther away and I daydream about a different life.