Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t stay married to a man that disrespects me like that, OP. Why should you sit around worried while he’s doing whatever he wants and texting with a bunch of other women? Who knows what’s else he’s doing with these women, and women you may not even know about.

This is a character issue and a no-go for me. Respect for me and the marriage is non-negotiable. Put him out.

I mean, I agree that it's disrespectful. And hurtful. I guess I am still hoping there's a way to make him see that his actions are harming our marriage. He can be a closed off person, and it's killing me. I want him to open up, to be more transparent, to have my unquestioned trust. I just can't see throwing away 10+ years of relatively happy marriage, blowing up kids' lives, etc. especially when I really love him, and I know he loves me. I just want this behavior to stop.

I wouldn’t stay married to a man that disrespects me like that, OP. Why should you sit around worried while he’s doing whatever he wants and texting with a bunch of other women? Who knows what’s else he’s doing with these women, and women you may not even know about.

This is a character issue and a no-go for me. Respect for me and the marriage is non-negotiable. Put him out.

I don’t know OP but I’m in the same boat as you. In fact I think I remember your prior post. I feel like DH is a little emotionally insecure and always looking for that ego boost but won’t otherwise talk about it and I’ve been a little burned and so now am sensitive to it. I don’t know what the answer is – my feeling is if everyone got divorced over an issue then nobody at al l would ever stay married. Things wax and wane and when one has kids it’s worth staying together ( unless something terrible happens).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you found out about it from noticing the name pop up a lot on his phone is a red flag. If this is just someone from high school he’s reconnected with, why didn’t he tell you about it himself at some point? One of my DH’s good friends is a woman he grew up with, which doesnt bother me at all in significant part because he’s transparent about it. Not in a reporting-to-mommy kind of way but just in casual conversation. “I talked to Jane today, she told me a funny story about her sister’s latest boyfriend. “

OP here, yes, this is almost exactly what I told him and precisely what I feel about it. His answer is that he's just a "private person" but it's not like he never mentions things casually after talking to his guy friends. He's only "private" when it comes to these active texting relationships with other women. I'm frustrated that we seem to keep running into this pattern.

"Private person" is garbage, it's basically just an excuse to carry on an emotional affair without having to be accountable to you. You are his wife, not a random person on the street, and this is an issue of particular sensitivity given past history. If he respects your marriage, he needs to be willing to share this part of his life with you to avoid the appearance of impropriety. If there's nothing inappropriate going on, this shouldn't be a problem.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a slippery slope. It's inappropriate and I would ask him to stop. If the tables were turned, how would he react?

Completely agree. He is not being open and honest. It’s a problem.

I think it's a slippery slope. It's inappropriate and I would ask him to stop. If the tables were turned, how would he react?

Paranoia will destroy you.
That said- what was the context and conditions of the EA? How brief? How intense? Because you are currently basing all of your worry and anxieties off of that misstep...
otherwise this is nothing to worry about.

Anonymous wrote:You sound controlling and insecure.

Fair enough. Past betrayal definitely breeds insecurity. So you genuinely think this is normal and nothing to worry about?

You sound controlling and insecure.

He is not a monogamous kind of guy. He likes having sparks with other women. If he doesn't have that he will get more demanding and easily annoyed with you. That is the reality. Figure out if you can live with that. Leave or ask him to hide it better.

Most likely he's not seeking someone else, but is flattered by the attention and excited by the newness.

That said, he's not resisting crossing a boundary (and crossed one before). This means if she does try to initiate something more, it's possible he'll do it.

He needs to draw a firm line here. No texting or messaging with her. He lacks the character to keep it in check.

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that you found out about it from noticing the name pop up a lot on his phone is a red flag. If this is just someone from high school he’s reconnected with, why didn’t he tell you about it himself at some point? One of my DH’s good friends is a woman he grew up with, which doesnt bother me at all in significant part because he’s transparent about it. Not in a reporting-to-mommy kind of way but just in casual conversation. “I talked to Jane today, she told me a funny story about her sister’s latest boyfriend. “

OP here, yes, this is almost exactly what I told him and precisely what I feel about it. His answer is that he's just a "private person" but it's not like he never mentions things casually after talking to his guy friends. He's only "private" when it comes to these active texting relationships with other women. I'm frustrated that we seem to keep running into this pattern.

I think the fact that you found out about it from noticing the name pop up a lot on his phone is a red flag. If this is just someone from high school he’s reconnected with, why didn’t he tell you about it himself at some point? One of my DH’s good friends is a woman he grew up with, which doesnt bother me at all in significant part because he’s transparent about it. Not in a reporting-to-mommy kind of way but just in casual conversation. “I talked to Jane today, she told me a funny story about her sister’s latest boyfriend. “

Probably an ego boost and excitement.

I feel like I have a poor gauge of what is normal in a marriage regarding friendships with the opposite sex, as DH had a brief emotional affair a few years ago when I was going through postpartum depression. It was a difficult time for us, but we recovered, and I feel like things have been pretty good. However, DH seems prone to conversations via text with other women that, in my opinion, become a little too frequent and slightly flirty. I don't read his texts or monitor his phone on a regular basis, but I did ask to see it after having several texts popped up over the course of a few days from a woman's name I didn't recognize. Turns out this is someone he knew during high school and they reconnected via Facebook. Nothing is subversive about the conversation - it's talk about kids, her new house, work, going to the gym... It's just a lot of conversation and what seems to me a lot of effort put into it (like pulling pictures from the internet and inserting to make a joke), just a level of attentiveness that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I am probably crazy, I don't want to micromanage his life or friendships, but what happened in the past has made me apprehensive.

I feel like there's something he's seeking in these texting relationships, whether it's validation, an ego boost, or just a little excitement. I don't think he intends to be inappropriate or start an affair, but as I've told him, it's the secretiveness of it that bothers me. If this were someone I knew or he mentioned her or talked about her in casual conversation, I would have no problem with it. It's not like I think he shouldn't talk to or be friends with other women. I just feel like he's keeping it private in a weird way. Is this normal?