Please, it was an analogy - I didn't say this mom was benefitting financially and I didn't attack her. But if I wanted to be on the auction committee or head up the back-to-school carnival, I would sign up to do that. Instead, some other parent signs up to be the "chair" and then calls saying how busy she is with some big school event and how she really, really, really needs help. And so every time I find myself sucked into this as a result. And it suddenly occurred to me that this is an effective way to rope in more people than would otherwise sign up (just like pyramid schemes are an effective way to rope in more money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH and my friends have learned I am generally a “no.” I’m good for a discrete commitment like help with Bingo night set up, helping distribute spirit wear, etc. But I’m not interesting in an ongoing commitment. I feel zero guilt because it’s a lot of bored moms creating make-work. Some of it is really over the top.

This. So much of this is unnecessary and just a way for moms to stay busy, socializing with their friends. At least IMO.

I am on the west coast, but my kid's elementary school PTA raises close to 6 figures every year and pay for ongoing school programs and supplies. I am not on the PTA and don't want to be, but I am glad other parents are interested in keeping it going! If they get socialization and a certain amount of ego boost out of it, I have no problem with it - they don't get paid so they might as well get some other 'benefit' out of it; otherwise no one will do it!

Anonymous wrote:OP-calling an event that needs multiple volunteers a pyramid scheme is the height of obnoxious. It implies that your friend is benefitting financially from the volunteer hours she puts in (which are likely many many more hours than the hours your put it.). I WOHM too and only volunteer occasionally but I wouldn’t insult the amazing PTA volunteers who do so much for my kid’s school. Say no like an adult if you’re not interested in volunteering but you don’t need to be offensive about the ways you describe volunteer activities.

+1 Your friend is not benefiting from this, your kid is. You don’t need to volunteer, but it’s pretty sad to dis the people who are doing the work!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAH and my friends have learned I am generally a “no.” I’m good for a discrete commitment like help with Bingo night set up, helping distribute spirit wear, etc. But I’m not interesting in an ongoing commitment. I feel zero guilt because it’s a lot of bored moms creating make-work. Some of it is really over the top.

This. So much of this is unnecessary and just a way for moms to stay busy, socializing with their friends. At least IMO.

Do you / your kids attend the PTA sponsored activities and events?

Anonymous wrote:I SAH and my friends have learned I am generally a “no.” I’m good for a discrete commitment like help with Bingo night set up, helping distribute spirit wear, etc. But I’m not interesting in an ongoing commitment. I feel zero guilt because it’s a lot of bored moms creating make-work. Some of it is really over the top.

This. So much of this is unnecessary and just a way for moms to stay busy, socializing with their friends. At least IMO.

Pyramid scheme? C’mon OP

There’s a part of parenting that I see where people get defensive about other parents who do more and attack those parents. oP, you should not be that parent. As others have mentioned, saying no politely and gracefully is an adult skill. No one will attack you if you say no, and you should not call a volunteer opportunity to help kids a pyramid scheme.

Figure out how you are going to contribute and then you can say "I find that XYZ is a better fit for me" or something like that. You can also try to prepare beforehand with a true but general reason why this particular job isn't for you. You can say "that's not a great fit for my personality but I'm going to XYZ"

I personally HATE seeking donors for things. I do not like talking to strangers and I don't like asking people for things. I feel like I'm begging and it feels gross to me. Those are my issues, but it makes that particular job a really bad fit for my personality. I would find a way to tell someone who asked me to do that job that I'm happy to volunteer to help out with the event - set up, clean up, sell tickets, whatever, but I'm not going out soliciting donors. If I agreed to do it, I'd end up doing a bad job of it anyway.

Also, this is good practice for you in being able to politely say no to things. You may not get it perfect every time, but it's a good skill to learn/work on. See it as a self-improvement project in learning to say no gracefully.

I know where youre coming from, I work FT too but in my case we have a PTA but its basically non existant. We have no after school clubs for example. We are a Focus school and there just arent enough volunteers to do it. I dont want to so I cant expect others to want to but its frustrating.

OP-calling an event that needs multiple volunteers a pyramid scheme is the height of obnoxious. It implies that your friend is benefitting financially from the volunteer hours she puts in (which are likely many many more hours than the hours your put it.). I WOHM too and only volunteer occasionally but I wouldn’t insult the amazing PTA volunteers who do so much for my kid’s school. Say no like an adult if you’re not interested in volunteering but you don’t need to be offensive about the ways you describe volunteer activities.

I don't think it's any different than a large project at work or a nonprofit volunteer situation. A large effort requires someone to chair and plan the overall event, but it requires multiple volunteers to do various components.

She may be pushing extra hard for friends to help, but I hope the school also has some sort of sign-up genius or other way to get other school families to help. It's total okay to say that a particular event or role doesn't work for you. FWIW, I'm a WOHM and an active PTA volunteer, I just pick and choose carefully what I take on. I've had roles where it's a one-person job, and other times I've led a committee or planned an event that required more than just me to make happen.

This is exactly how it works. If there's something you know works with your schedule just volunteer to do it at the onset - then your friends won't need to strong arm you into doing the jobs no one else volunteers for.

I SAH and my friends have learned I am generally a “no.” I’m good for a discrete commitment like help with Bingo night set up, helping distribute spirit wear, etc. But I’m not interesting in an ongoing commitment. I feel zero guilt because it’s a lot of bored moms creating make-work. Some of it is really over the top.

I do volunteer for things that work with my schedule. Then, if someone asks me to do something else, I don't feel bad saying - I am doing XYZ and that's all I can commit to right now.

One of the moms I know from my kids' school always signs up for some big PTA gig - auction chair or that sort of thing. Then she tries to get everyone she knows to do some part of the work. I totally understand that all the big events etc require a village to pull off. But I feel like I'm constantly getting gang-pressed into stuff that I just don't want to do. I work FT and so I have to be strategic about how and when to volunteer at my kids' schools, and finding sponsors for the back-to-school carnival would not be on my list. So I would never sign up to do it! But the mom in question is very nice and our kids are friends, so I have trouble saying sorry, I'm too busy (esp bc of the SAHM-WOHM dynamics.) Same way I might feel social pressure to buy some MLM crap that I'd never pick up in an actual store.

And it occurred to me that this is not accidental - the only way this stuff gets done is if some parent takes on a big job and then arm-twists/guilt-trips her friends into helping. Which makes me feel extra badly about the whole situation. Can anyone else relate to this? And does anyone have a really persuasive way to extricate yourself from this kind of thing? I know, I could just say no, but I feel like I'm being insulting or unsupportive.