Mom with a “big career” here. Supportive husband who attends most of the school stuff.

He is amazing.

Just want to give credit to dads who rarely get it on DCUM. You guys are the best. My husband does it all, works, cooks, attends school events and basically keeps us going.

One thing I do is ask my kids which events are most important to them. I can’t make it to everything, but I try hard to get to the things that matter to them and I try to give them some control over which those are.

And then I beg someone to record when I am not there and watch the recording with them later if it is a performance.

And some weeks I just sleep a lot less and we have a lot of carry out. There is no perfect way.

I ask my kids what they want me to be at, they realize I can't do everything. I'm often surprised by what they pick (e.g., the soccer practice over the show) and why (so you can see how good i am even at the start of the season). I try not to let my reasons for wanting to be there (all the other moms will be) and focus on their reasons.

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

I think this is like the millionth time we have both done this but: my mom also had an important and prestigious job and instead of being a whiny ingrate like you I admired her then and imitated her later. Hopefully my kids see it as a model for how not to be martyrs. It would be so disappointing if they gave up on their careers or else their desire to be parents.

OP, your kids will be fine, more than fine. My parents have big careers and a supportive marriage. Because of them, I picked a DH who is supportive of my career and is an equal partner at home. I am very close to my parents, btw, and never felt "second" to their job. I knew that they had a full life with me being a big part of their life but not the revolving point of their life.

Anonymous wrote:The sexism on this thread is astounding.

Astounding.

I agree. All OP needs is a SAHD. Why not?

The sexism on this thread is astounding.

Astounding.

OP, where is the father in the picture? Why can't he help you "Lean In"?

Yeah! Your kids will need therapy when they grow up due to mommy dearest issues, but you knew that. They do come second to your job. You have a nanny in the place of a mother. It would work if the father was in the picture, but hey, they are your kids, and you are free to fucck them up.

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

And this is part of the reason women have such guilt- generally and because people like you do not once mention the father

Can you put your kids at the same school? That seems like it would simply things, if at all possible.

Anonymous wrote:Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Geez. The woman has to support her children. So did your mom too, I'm guessing. Get therapy and stop blaming your mom for not being supermom.

Why have kids if they aren't a priority? My mom placed her job before me I don't have as strong of a bond with her because she was far more proud of her work accomplishments than anything that had to do with me. I always took a back seat. Now we barely talk. What kind of future do you want with your kids? When you are retired, is what you'd in your career worth sacrificing your time with them? Do you really think a nanny should replace Mom?

Don't feel guilty. You are doing your best to give your children a good life and by allowing them to participate in extracurricular activities and paying for a nanny to facilitate involvement in these activities, you are doing the best that you can in instances where you can't be there. I was just lamenting the fact that I have had to pass up so many professional opportunities because I am the default parent. I have been really struggling this week with watching some of my peers pass me by, get fancier jobs, promotions, go on international work trips and make more money, which I cannot do because one of us parents has to be always available for the kids. And I am at EVERYTHING - every performance, school event, etc. but I have sacrificed my career for it and honestly, it sucks. There is no easy answer. Please cut yourself some slack.

My mom worked growing up and she wasn't always there for everything but I knew she wanted to be. Nonetheless, I was so proud of her career, how hard she worked and the recognition she received from the higher ups. She's now gone but she kept a portfolio of her work accomplishments and awards and I love to look at it because she got so much joy out of the work she did. I remember this more than the events she was not able to attend.

Do you not have a partner/spouse?

Unfortunately, my work has to be done regardless, and everything else is somewhat negotiable. Back to school time has thrown a million events my way that are making things so hard. I have kids at two different schools and have no less than seven events during work hours over a 2.5 week period. This stuff is so hard for me, but I have to go, and so I will make it work.

Where that leaves me is the more negotiable other stuff. The first rec soccer practice that normally I'd try to attend and I know a ton of parents will be there, and my kid will be upset that he is one of the only ones (maybe the only one) with a nanny there instead of mom. Or Friday's camp performance, same deal. I could technically make this stuff work, but I get such little sleep as it is and I just don't know where to draw the line. I am feeling mom guilt in the biggest way right now. I don't know how everyone does it. If I go to the performance and soccer practice and whatever else comes up, that time will truly come out of my sleep, which already hovers around 5-6 hrs/night (because I will have to work late(r) at night to make up for it).