Anonymous
08/20/2018 10:12
Subject: Re:Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
I've started talking to my 6.5 year old about this. I tell her that not all adults are good and trustworthy people (including friends' parents, doctors, teachers or coaches, we don't go to church, so clergy has not come up). I tell her that older boys in elementary school may want to look at her underwear when she's sitting a certain way etc. (that's why we wear bike shorts, etc. under dresses, skirts). As she gets a little older we will begin to talk in more detail about this.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 10:01
Subject: Re:Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
I have definitely and often talked to all my children - boys and girls - about what grooming looks like, what to do if some coach/teacher/old lady or man tries to touch them, not to feel guilty if you don't react the way you expected you would -- all the things I wish someone had told me.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 09:57
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
We taught both kids that they do not have to fear saying no to adult in any situation that makes them uncomfortable. We assured them that even if the adult tells them they'll be in trouble, they will not be in trouble with us for saying no. We, of course, taught them the difference between saying no to a teacher who wants you to behave and one who wants to meet with you one-on-one, etc. We also taught them that they had 100% control over their bodies and what happened to it.
I remember when my DD was 11 or maybe 12 she had a UTI and the Ped assigned to us for the sick visit was not her regular Ped and was also an older male. When he wanted to do a visual exam below the waist, she did not hesitate to tell him no, she was not comfortable with it. Even after he explained that he needed to look to make sure things were okay, she still said no. I was in the room with her and was very proud of how she handled herself. She asked to wait for a female doctor and he was a little taken aback that she had the audacity to make the request as a child. He kept looking to me like I'd step in and make her let him examine her, but I just told him, "we've taught her from when she was a little kid that her body equals her choice and this is her choice."
I remember when my DD was 11 or maybe 12 she had a UTI and the Ped assigned to us for the sick visit was not her regular Ped and was also an older male. When he wanted to do a visual exam below the waist, she did not hesitate to tell him no, she was not comfortable with it. Even after he explained that he needed to look to make sure things were okay, she still said no. I was in the room with her and was very proud of how she handled herself. She asked to wait for a female doctor and he was a little taken aback that she had the audacity to make the request as a child. He kept looking to me like I'd step in and make her let him examine her, but I just told him, "we've taught her from when she was a little kid that her body equals her choice and this is her choice."
Anonymous
08/20/2018 09:35
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
We told DS that it OK to say no to any adult. Say no to going off with them, letting them touch theM, , or say sexual stuff that makes them uncomfortable. We also never allowed sleep overs and monitored. adults at church and sporting events. We were present with eyes open.
Predators look for lonely kids, feral kids, single parent kids, misfits to prey on. We had a man in a youth group take an interest in DS. He was calling DS at night and sending cards in the mail. This guy is a well respected business person in Mclean. We had to run him off because DS didn't know how to tell him to stop courting him. BTW that guy still volunteers with the youth group. I couldn't find him on any sexual predator list, but I predict he will get nailed.
Predators look for lonely kids, feral kids, single parent kids, misfits to prey on. We had a man in a youth group take an interest in DS. He was calling DS at night and sending cards in the mail. This guy is a well respected business person in Mclean. We had to run him off because DS didn't know how to tell him to stop courting him. BTW that guy still volunteers with the youth group. I couldn't find him on any sexual predator list, but I predict he will get nailed.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 08:44
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Anonymous wrote:It's not about what your kids do so quit victim
Blaming. It's about YOU THE PARENT. Do you give your kid enough attention? Does anyone who know you know you would kill a human who harmed them? Kids who have that aren't chosen as victims because the abuser knows they aren't good targets.
Kids who aren't shown love and acceptance at home are targeted. Abusers can tell they are hungry for attention and what will pass as "love." Kids who are taught to unconditionally obey an authority like, idk, THE CHURCH, are targeted. Parents make kids victims, not the kids.
Agreed. My parents felt I was disrespectful to my abuser because I didn’t want to hug/kiss that relative at hello or goodbye. They didn’t know at the time, but they also didn’t ask. They were just so authoritarian. My dad, almost four decades later, still hates that I don’t make my kids hug or kiss anyone.
Also, my parents were so distracted by their marital issues that they ignored clear classic signs of abuse until I was 14 and my abuser violently sexually assaulted me.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 08:42
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have never talked to my kids about “stranger danger” because it is not a statistical problem at any age. We have instead always talked about safe adults and how there are a handful of adults who are 100% safe (pretty much just mom, dad and one set of grandparents) and that they can always go with us and listen to our rules safely, then there are adults who are sometimes safe (other family members, teachers, friends’ parents), that they should never be alone with unless a parent knows and that they are allowed to disobey if they feel nervous or uncomfortable, and finally that there are strangers and aquaintances that they shouldn’t be alone with at all and they don’t have to listen to AT ALL (exceptions made for things like police and that is a different conversation altogether).
We also have taught consent and bodily autonomy from the time our kids were toddlers. If they don’t want to kiss Auntie Larla, they don’t have to. If they feel uncomfortable around someone, they can leave, and their body is their own to make choices about.
Teachers?? TEACHERS? The 68 science teacher in our Bethesda neighborhood was inviting teens over to do ‘yard work’ in various stages of undress.
If you have people that you think are safe sorry to break it to you but some of them are not.
He got probation
https://bethesdamagazine.com/bethesda-beat/police-fire/accused-of-sexually-touching-teen-boy-former-teacher-from-bethesda-sentenced-to-probation/
Teachers - I’ll never get over that one. Please - don’t have them babysitting your kids, ok?
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/ex-dc-teacher-eric-toth-gets-25-years-in-child-porn-case/
When you mess with rich people at least you go to prison.
Is your reading comprehension always this poor? Who TF said anything about babysitting?
I specifically said that we tell our kids that teachers are in the “sometimes safe” category and that we put restrictions on the kind of time they spend with our kids and tell our kids they don’t have to obey teachers.
Unless you are a particularly resteictive homeschooler, your kids will spend time in the care of teachers at school or afterschool activities. Are you telling your kids to be afraid of all teachers because that sounds like a recipe for some paranoid, anxious kids.
We tell our children that they should never go anywhere with a teacher that they haven’t spoken to us about first, and that they don’t have to do everything their teacher says if it makes them afraid of uncomfortable. They are always allowed to walk away from a teacher and call us or speak to an administrator about a disagreement.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 08:39
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Anonymous wrote:It's not about what your kids do so quit victim
Blaming. It's about YOU THE PARENT. Do you give your kid enough attention? Does anyone who know you know you would kill a human who harmed them? Kids who have that aren't chosen as victims because the abuser knows they aren't good targets.
Kids who aren't shown love and acceptance at home are targeted. Abusers can tell they are hungry for attention and what will pass as "love." Kids who are taught to unconditionally obey an authority like, idk, THE CHURCH, are targeted. Parents make kids victims, not the kids.
I KNOW - and when your DH suddenly dies of a heart attack and you’re being treated for cancer it will be YOUR FAULT when that pleasant priest or coach moves in and abuses your kid. YOUR FAULT. Remember that.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 07:49
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Anonymous wrote:It's not about what your kids do so quit victim
Blaming. It's about YOU THE PARENT. Do you give your kid enough attention? Does anyone who know you know you would kill a human who harmed them? Kids who have that aren't chosen as victims because the abuser knows they aren't good targets.
Kids who aren't shown love and acceptance at home are targeted. Abusers can tell they are hungry for attention and what will pass as "love." Kids who are taught to unconditionally obey an authority like, idk, THE CHURCH, are targeted. Parents make kids victims, not the kids.
It's really funny that you say quit victim blaming and then blame the parents! Also, I think it's a mistake to think you can insulate your kids in some way. I think that sort of complacency is dangerous, as is the complacency of thinking you only need to worry about strangers, or that you can tell who is a threat and who is not.
I agree with the pp's about teaching them from the beginning that their bodies are theirs (as are other people's bodies), about tricky adults, about adults who try to get them to keep secrets that don't feel good, about not forcing affection, correctly naming body parts, etc. Most of all, try to tell them and show them that they can come to me with anything, that I won't be mad at them, and so forth.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 07:40
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Oh yes. My son is 11. Never the stranger danger discussion because most molesters are people known to you. Family, friends, neighbors, teachers, coaches.
When I was teaching him about body parts and later sex, I told him he can’t ever tough anyone without permission, and nobody can touch him. And that sexual touching between an adult and child is always wrong. Limited exception for doctor examinations. And even then the doctor has to ask permission. And his does.
Now that he’s older, he completely understands what child molestation is. And what boundaries are. We may all love his Spanish teacher to death, but I’m not letting my son go over his teacher’s house to go play soccer.
The next conversation you need to have is about sexual assault by peers, during teen and college years. That’s when most males are sexually assaulted. Sports team and college hazing are risky times.
When I was teaching him about body parts and later sex, I told him he can’t ever tough anyone without permission, and nobody can touch him. And that sexual touching between an adult and child is always wrong. Limited exception for doctor examinations. And even then the doctor has to ask permission. And his does.
Now that he’s older, he completely understands what child molestation is. And what boundaries are. We may all love his Spanish teacher to death, but I’m not letting my son go over his teacher’s house to go play soccer.
The next conversation you need to have is about sexual assault by peers, during teen and college years. That’s when most males are sexually assaulted. Sports team and college hazing are risky times.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 06:53
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Anonymous wrote:It's not about what your kids do so quit victim
Blaming. It's about YOU THE PARENT. Do you give your kid enough attention? Does anyone who know you know you would kill a human who harmed them? Kids who have that aren't chosen as victims because the abuser knows they aren't good targets.
Kids who aren't shown love and acceptance at home are targeted. Abusers can tell they are hungry for attention and what will pass as "love." Kids who are taught to unconditionally obey an authority like, idk, THE CHURCH, are targeted. Parents make kids victims, not the kids. [/quote
]
Bizarre answer. Kids of all types are targeted. I was from a pretty awful home but my mom talked to me about identifying grooming behaviors. It happened- I was approached by a few men over the course of my childhood- but I was able to identify the intentions and protect myseld from actually being molested. The men went on to molest other kids, in one instance a friend from a nicer household. You can't put a forcefield of love around your kid. But you can arm them with healthy cynicism about why an adult male is interested in a young girl or boy.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 03:40
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
It's not about what your kids do so quit victim
Blaming. It's about YOU THE PARENT. Do you give your kid enough attention? Does anyone who know you know you would kill a human who harmed them? Kids who have that aren't chosen as victims because the abuser knows they aren't good targets.
Kids who aren't shown love and acceptance at home are targeted. Abusers can tell they are hungry for attention and what will pass as "love." Kids who are taught to unconditionally obey an authority like, idk, THE CHURCH, are targeted. Parents make kids victims, not the kids.
Blaming. It's about YOU THE PARENT. Do you give your kid enough attention? Does anyone who know you know you would kill a human who harmed them? Kids who have that aren't chosen as victims because the abuser knows they aren't good targets.
Kids who aren't shown love and acceptance at home are targeted. Abusers can tell they are hungry for attention and what will pass as "love." Kids who are taught to unconditionally obey an authority like, idk, THE CHURCH, are targeted. Parents make kids victims, not the kids.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 00:22
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Anonymous wrote:I have never talked to my kids about “stranger danger” because it is not a statistical problem at any age. We have instead always talked about safe adults and how there are a handful of adults who are 100% safe (pretty much just mom, dad and one set of grandparents) and that they can always go with us and listen to our rules safely, then there are adults who are sometimes safe (other family members, teachers, friends’ parents), that they should never be alone with unless a parent knows and that they are allowed to disobey if they feel nervous or uncomfortable, and finally that there are strangers and aquaintances that they shouldn’t be alone with at all and they don’t have to listen to AT ALL (exceptions made for things like police and that is a different conversation altogether).
We also have taught consent and bodily autonomy from the time our kids were toddlers. If they don’t want to kiss Auntie Larla, they don’t have to. If they feel uncomfortable around someone, they can leave, and their body is their own to make choices about.
Teachers?? TEACHERS? The 68 science teacher in our Bethesda neighborhood was inviting teens over to do ‘yard work’ in various stages of undress.
If you have people that you think are safe sorry to break it to you but some of them are not.
He got probation
https://bethesdamagazine.com/bethesda-beat/police-fire/accused-of-sexually-touching-teen-boy-former-teacher-from-bethesda-sentenced-to-probation/
Teachers - I’ll never get over that one. Please - don’t have them babysitting your kids, ok?
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/ex-dc-teacher-eric-toth-gets-25-years-in-child-porn-case/
When you mess with rich people at least you go to prison.
Anonymous
08/20/2018 00:11
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
Much like the PP, I've been very upfront with DS about his body being his territory, period, since he was in preschool.
I've worked in criminal law and now in healthcare, and you'd better believe I was very open and direct about this topic with DS. As in, 'here's the type of thing that a guy you know might try to do to you in this situation, and here's a couple of scenarios where these things tend to happen. Just know that if this does happen, it's NEVER your fault. You should come tell me right way and we'll make it right. Do it even if they tell you not to / it's a secret."
Of course part of me feels like I've stolen his innocence by approaching it this way. On the other hand, far too many camp counselors / coaches / religious figures / teachers / aftercare guys are touching boys' junk. I've seen it personally and not infrequently.
I've worked in criminal law and now in healthcare, and you'd better believe I was very open and direct about this topic with DS. As in, 'here's the type of thing that a guy you know might try to do to you in this situation, and here's a couple of scenarios where these things tend to happen. Just know that if this does happen, it's NEVER your fault. You should come tell me right way and we'll make it right. Do it even if they tell you not to / it's a secret."
Of course part of me feels like I've stolen his innocence by approaching it this way. On the other hand, far too many camp counselors / coaches / religious figures / teachers / aftercare guys are touching boys' junk. I've seen it personally and not infrequently.
Anonymous
08/19/2018 23:53
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
I have never talked to my kids about “stranger danger” because it is not a statistical problem at any age. We have instead always talked about safe adults and how there are a handful of adults who are 100% safe (pretty much just mom, dad and one set of grandparents) and that they can always go with us and listen to our rules safely, then there are adults who are sometimes safe (other family members, teachers, friends’ parents), that they should never be alone with unless a parent knows and that they are allowed to disobey if they feel nervous or uncomfortable, and finally that there are strangers and aquaintances that they shouldn’t be alone with at all and they don’t have to listen to AT ALL (exceptions made for things like police and that is a different conversation altogether).
We also have taught consent and bodily autonomy from the time our kids were toddlers. If they don’t want to kiss Auntie Larla, they don’t have to. If they feel uncomfortable around someone, they can leave, and their body is their own to make choices about.
We also have taught consent and bodily autonomy from the time our kids were toddlers. If they don’t want to kiss Auntie Larla, they don’t have to. If they feel uncomfortable around someone, they can leave, and their body is their own to make choices about.
Anonymous
08/19/2018 23:40
Subject: Have you walked to DS about "how not to be molested"?
This creepy Catholic thing in Pennsylvania, I noticed that many of the victims were in the 11 to 17 age range. Have you talked to your tween/teen son about how to avoid being molested? How did you phrase it? It is different from the "stranger danger" talk you give smaller kids because the perpetrator will not be a stranger. It will most likely be someone who is known and trusted - like a priest, teacher, or coach - that's what makes it so horrible. How do you tell them to be wary without making them paranoid that all the trusted role models in their life are secretly about to molest them?