Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:44     Subject: Re:Unwanted divorce
Your not a doormat.

You were loving and supportive which only works in a mutual relationship.

Cheaters are mentally or emotionally crippled and you can't love them out of it.

This is not about you. You did not do something to cause it you can't do something to fix other people.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:43     Subject: Unwanted divorce
I'm sorry, OP. I haven't been through it, but people here often recommend the website http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:42     Subject: Re:Unwanted divorce
When my parents split and then divorced after 23 years of marriage when I was a teenager it turned out my dad was having an affair for 6 years with a family friend. He claimed it was because my mom didn't pay him enough attention and was too dedicated to her career. My mother was absolutely devastated in every respect. I want you to know that she recovered, met someone else, and has been happily married almost 20 years to my stepdad. She tells me all the time that his affair and the divorce was the best thing that happened to her because it got her away from my dad and gave her this second chance at happiness. She is so much better off without him. I wish you could see her joy now, and know that you deserve better. I hope you can move on.

And maybe consider therapy? This is not your fault! You deserve so much more.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:41     Subject: Re:Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.


He’s not an abuser.

Neglecting your spouse could theoretically be abuse. OP is not an angel here so stop acting like it. All you can do is live and learn and do better in your next relationship. Take note, people.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:37     Subject: Re:Unwanted divorce
Yes, I have BTDT and there is no easy way to get past the pain unfortunately. Someone told me at the beginning though that "you can't save your marriage by yourself". That helped me realize that I had tried all I could and there was nothing else I could do to keep us from divorcing if that's what he wanted. You sound like you've done more than your share to make things right when he's done the opposite. My ex also felt attention-deprived when our kids were really young, and I've come to realize that he just needed constant attention and validation from me and others. Now I'm so glad I don't have to worry about "am I giving DH enough attention?". Seriously, a needy grown man cheating on his wife in order to obtain whatever satisfaction they otherwise lack is so weak. Someone who would do that and disrespect the person they vowed to spend the rest of their lives with is not someone you want to be married to, trust me. I say that now but fully recognize that it took me a while to see things that way.

For now, my advice would be to take it one day at a time, protect yourself and your kids (i.e. lawyer up and work on negotiating the most favorable terms you can - especially while he may feel guilty), rely heavily on friends and family and take care of yourself as best as you can. It will get better!
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:34     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely

It has been 7 years since we divorced, and in those 7 years, he has shown me who he truly is as a person. He is a selfish individual who is not willing to compromise his own preferences and comfort for anyone, ever. There were times early in the divorce when I mourned the life that I wanted to build with him. As time went on and he demonstrated more and more what a selfish person he is, he stopped seeming familiar to me at all. At this point, he feels like a stranger that I happen to have a child with - a stranger who, if given the option today, I wouldn't even accept a second date with.

Right now, you look at him and see the person you married. I am here to tell you that he is not that person, if he ever was. He is someone else. The sooner you are able to see who he truly is, the sooner you will be able to move on.


OP here. This part is very useful, thank you.
We've been married a long time. This is not who he was until the last few years. He has completely and totally changed. He has a lot of baggage from childhood that he never dealt with and it has affected us. But again, he finds a way to turn all of his pain back on to me.

I know that if this was a friend telling me the story, I would have no problem telling her to get the hell out. Why isn't it that easy for me?! If you knew me, you wouldn't see this weakness in me. I don't project "doormat" but somehow that's what I have turned into, I guess.

It's your ego talking. In your mind you lost, he won. Excuses and rationalizations (he changed, he wasn't like that, etc) are just your attempts to justify that your "loss" is not really a loss. He is walking away from you, you don't have a say in it and you want that say. You don't want to be wrong in marrying him originally.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 13:18     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely

It has been 7 years since we divorced, and in those 7 years, he has shown me who he truly is as a person. He is a selfish individual who is not willing to compromise his own preferences and comfort for anyone, ever. There were times early in the divorce when I mourned the life that I wanted to build with him. As time went on and he demonstrated more and more what a selfish person he is, he stopped seeming familiar to me at all. At this point, he feels like a stranger that I happen to have a child with - a stranger who, if given the option today, I wouldn't even accept a second date with.

Right now, you look at him and see the person you married. I am here to tell you that he is not that person, if he ever was. He is someone else. The sooner you are able to see who he truly is, the sooner you will be able to move on.


OP here. This part is very useful, thank you.
We've been married a long time. This is not who he was until the last few years. He has completely and totally changed. He has a lot of baggage from childhood that he never dealt with and it has affected us. But again, he finds a way to turn all of his pain back on to me.

I know that if this was a friend telling me the story, I would have no problem telling her to get the hell out. Why isn't it that easy for me?! If you knew me, you wouldn't see this weakness in me. I don't project "doormat" but somehow that's what I have turned into, I guess.



"I changed/fixed absolutely everything". OP He cheated on you early on. Yes this is who he is and kept cheating during your so called good times.

Your self esteem was so low you were convinced you had to change. Not only that, but you failed to check up on him to make sure he changed. He didn't and never had plans to. Let him go OP.

At this point you need to be proactive. Have you talked to a lawyer?
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:54     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely

It has been 7 years since we divorced, and in those 7 years, he has shown me who he truly is as a person. He is a selfish individual who is not willing to compromise his own preferences and comfort for anyone, ever. There were times early in the divorce when I mourned the life that I wanted to build with him. As time went on and he demonstrated more and more what a selfish person he is, he stopped seeming familiar to me at all. At this point, he feels like a stranger that I happen to have a child with - a stranger who, if given the option today, I wouldn't even accept a second date with.

Right now, you look at him and see the person you married. I am here to tell you that he is not that person, if he ever was. He is someone else. The sooner you are able to see who he truly is, the sooner you will be able to move on.


OP here. This part is very useful, thank you.
We've been married a long time. This is not who he was until the last few years. He has completely and totally changed. He has a lot of baggage from childhood that he never dealt with and it has affected us. But again, he finds a way to turn all of his pain back on to me.

I know that if this was a friend telling me the story, I would have no problem telling her to get the hell out. Why isn't it that easy for me?! If you knew me, you wouldn't see this weakness in me. I don't project "doormat" but somehow that's what I have turned into, I guess.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:39     Subject: Re:Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.


All of this.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:39     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely everything. He acknowledged my changes, was remorseful, and things were better than they were at the beginning. I thought it was our second chance. Just recently found out he is now with someone else (and apparently was cheating with her during our "good period"). He definitely wants a divorce.

My story is not unusual. I just can't get past my pain. How do I do this? Why can't I see that him cheating is not a reflection on me? Why am I still trying to so hard to save this if I'm the only one? Part of my problem is that I hate change, crave familiarity, and truly, truly loved him. It's not just an "I can't find someone else" thing. It's that I want HIM, even though it makes no sense.

Any advice from BTDT people?


You may want to seek counseling to sort through your feelings with an objective source. This in no way implies that you are in the wrong for anything; on the contrary. It will help you get your life back together and move on with your kids, and hopefully find happiness in the future (with or without another man).
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:39     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely everything. He acknowledged my changes, was remorseful, and things were better than they were at the beginning. I thought it was our second chance. Just recently found out he is now with someone else (and apparently was cheating with her during our "good period"). He definitely wants a divorce.

My story is not unusual. I just can't get past my pain. How do I do this? Why can't I see that him cheating is not a reflection on me? Why am I still trying to so hard to save this if I'm the only one? Part of my problem is that I hate change, crave familiarity, and truly, truly loved him. It's not just an "I can't find someone else" thing. It's that I want HIM, even though it makes no sense.

Any advice from BTDT people?


OP, slightly different situation. My ex also felt that he wasn't getting enough attention when our child was young. He was not able to see the things that he was doing that contributed to our terrible marriage. He made many agreements with me about how things would change but did not follow through on those changes. At the end of the day, all he seemed to care about was how often I had sex with him. I left him.

It has been 7 years since we divorced, and in those 7 years, he has shown me who he truly is as a person. He is a selfish individual who is not willing to compromise his own preferences and comfort for anyone, ever. There were times early in the divorce when I mourned the life that I wanted to build with him. As time went on and he demonstrated more and more what a selfish person he is, he stopped seeming familiar to me at all. At this point, he feels like a stranger that I happen to have a child with - a stranger who, if given the option today, I wouldn't even accept a second date with.

Right now, you look at him and see the person you married. I am here to tell you that he is not that person, if he ever was. He is someone else. The sooner you are able to see who he truly is, the sooner you will be able to move on.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:35     Subject: Re:Unwanted divorce
This is sad. He convinced you his cheating was your fault. All abusers blame their victim. "She made me do it" is a common theme. Police and judges hear it all the time. If you've gone to a good counselor they will tell you cheating is abuse.

You need to get to the point where you acknowledge he never loved you. Someone that loves you doesn't do these things, and will likely cheat on the next woman. Be happy you will be out of a "fake" marriage, and can concentrate on your own mental heath. It will get better.

I know you have kids, but I would get him out of my life except minimal texts concerning the kids. This is a guy who thinks you'll be a doormat during the divorce, and after. Don't be that person, and see a good lawyer.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:32     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Anonymous wrote:Your not giving him enough attention was an excuse. He was probably cheating on you then too. You are too good for that and deserve much more. Move on and find someone who loves you.


This.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:31     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Your not giving him enough attention was an excuse. He was probably cheating on you then too. You are too good for that and deserve much more. Move on and find someone who loves you.
Anonymous
Post 08/14/2018 12:28     Subject: Unwanted divorce
Married, kids, husband wasn't happy because I didn't give him enough attention when the kids were little. He cheated. I changed/fixed absolutely everything. He acknowledged my changes, was remorseful, and things were better than they were at the beginning. I thought it was our second chance. Just recently found out he is now with someone else (and apparently was cheating with her during our "good period"). He definitely wants a divorce.

My story is not unusual. I just can't get past my pain. How do I do this? Why can't I see that him cheating is not a reflection on me? Why am I still trying to so hard to save this if I'm the only one? Part of my problem is that I hate change, crave familiarity, and truly, truly loved him. It's not just an "I can't find someone else" thing. It's that I want HIM, even though it makes no sense.

Any advice from BTDT people?