I also have a poor communicator husband, who has the added bonus of ADHD so can't remember things we (or anyone) has discussed, is very disorderly, and has no interests outside of his parents and his office work.

Any setback (and we suffer a lot of them, big and little), is met by his immature defensiveness, anger, and attack onto the person pointing it out/seeking a solution. It is truly bizarre. Everyone notices it. He would rather argue about some tiny little detail than the issue at hand, or bring up excuse after excuse.

OP, if you are anything like this it will be a lot to unpack in counseling. It is NOT a personality difference, it is something else and at this point is also depression, anxiety, passive aggressiveness. But you need to think hard and rewind to find the actual underlying issue. Then he will need to do the same and fix it.

Don't go loony in the meantime. People can be really F'd up.

Interesting. I just left my therapist's office where I discussed the exact problem in my marriage. 15 years. If I didn't have a great therapist, I'm not sure I couold have stuck it out.

My DH is probably depressed. It gives me some compassion, but our current situation is not sustainable. I'm working on setting boundaries with what I'll tolerate, letting my voice be heard instead of walking on eggshells and tonight I'm going to ask him to go to counseling with me. Hang in there OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I read the thread title I thought it was about DCUM posters in general.

Yup. My first reaction was "then, what the hell are you doing here?!"

Right? I mean that pretty much defines DCUM.

If you're so fed up that you're ready to divorce, do you have anything to lose by trying therapy? Time? Money? You will be out a lot of those in a divorce anyway.

Anonymous wrote:When I read the thread title I thought it was about DCUM posters in general.

Yup. My first reaction was "then, what the hell are you doing here?!"

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this myself (except we have two kids). My reaction depends on his mood, how much of a fight it will start and my tolerance at that moment. Sometimes I will just shut down and shut him out, which he notices but usually doesn't say anything. Sometimes I will say, that wasn't very nice/I don't think I deserved that/that hurt my feelings. He usually has some sort of excuse about why it's my fault. And every once in awhile, I'm spoiling for a fight so I lash right back.

The only reason I've been able to stick it out is because we regularly have long, open, deep discussions about our frustrations and feelings. It does not always end warm and fuzzy with hugs and/or makeup sex (sometimes it does), but it does allow me to hang in there just a little bit longer if I know I'm being heard. I would say at least half the time I don't get any kind of remorse from him, but sometimes it does register that he's hurting me and he checks himself.

I don't know if it'll last forever, but...day by day, I guess.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I’ve been feeling for quite some time. I honestly don’t know how long I can stomach this and keep the peace for the kids. I pushed fir a date night in the spirit of improving things and also, during dinner, he made a nasty comment. So much for creating fond memories, huh. Makes me want to forget about date nights and schedule a night out with a good friend who won’t verbally abuse me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband gets like this too, in the wintertime, when he is depressed. He is already on anti-depressants AND exercises daily, doesn't drink, etc. but it just gets worse in the winter. He is almost unbearable to be around and constantly has this "poor ol' me" attitude. I don't know what to tell you, OP, but only to say: I am in your shoes too.

OP again. I do wonder if there is an issue with depression or just something emotionally difficult he won’t confront with me so instead he just gets mean. He used to exercise more.

It's possible. From what I have read, and from what I have learned after going through this with him, men experience depression different from how we do. It can make them angry, short-tempered, irritable. I'd say that definitely is how my husband experiences it, and, again, being on the receiving end of it REALLY is dehumanizing and exhausting.

When I read the thread title I thought it was about DCUM posters in general.

Anonymous wrote:My husband gets like this too, in the wintertime, when he is depressed. He is already on anti-depressants AND exercises daily, doesn't drink, etc. but it just gets worse in the winter. He is almost unbearable to be around and constantly has this "poor ol' me" attitude. I don't know what to tell you, OP, but only to say: I am in your shoes too.

OP again. I do wonder if there is an issue with depression or just something emotionally difficult he won’t confront with me so instead he just gets mean. He used to exercise more.

OP, I could have written this myself (except we have two kids). My reaction depends on his mood, how much of a fight it will start and my tolerance at that moment. Sometimes I will just shut down and shut him out, which he notices but usually doesn't say anything. Sometimes I will say, that wasn't very nice/I don't think I deserved that/that hurt my feelings. He usually has some sort of excuse about why it's my fault. And every once in awhile, I'm spoiling for a fight so I lash right back.

The only reason I've been able to stick it out is because we regularly have long, open, deep discussions about our frustrations and feelings. It does not always end warm and fuzzy with hugs and/or makeup sex (sometimes it does), but it does allow me to hang in there just a little bit longer if I know I'm being heard. I would say at least half the time I don't get any kind of remorse from him, but sometimes it does register that he's hurting me and he checks himself.

I don't know if it'll last forever, but...day by day, I guess.

My husband gets like this too, in the wintertime, when he is depressed. He is already on anti-depressants AND exercises daily, doesn't drink, etc. but it just gets worse in the winter. He is almost unbearable to be around and constantly has this "poor ol' me" attitude. I don't know what to tell you, OP, but only to say: I am in your shoes too.

Anonymous wrote:This isn't necessarily a "personality problem." It's assholish behavior, but behavior can be changed. Have you ever told him that you dislike this?

OP here. I’ve tried. He’s not very good at apologizing. He pretty much gets uncomfortable and shuts down. Then just stumbles through why I make him mad.

You can't fix him, you can only lay down boundaries about how you should be treated. Maybe try a counselor to get help doing this.

This isn't necessarily a "personality problem." It's assholish behavior, but behavior can be changed. Have you ever told him that you dislike this?

DH has always been a little moody but after 10 years, I’m getting to a point where I can’t stomach another 10– or 20 or 30 years of this. I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. We can be having a nice dinner at home and something I do or say will suddenly anger him and he’ll shoot a zinger or put down at me. It sometimes gets to the point where I’m walking on eggshells. We could have an enjoyable week and then he’ll just lash out because I forgot to do something or I disagree with him or didn’t express something just right.

Here’s an example— I’ll make dinner, he will take forever to join me at the table and, sick of cold food, I’ll start eating. He’ll see me eating and say sarcastically, “thanks for waiting for me.” Strange thing is, other times he’ll insist I start without him and could care less.

I can’t never tell when it’s coming. We have one small child. He loves our kid but I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t even like me. Can marriage counseling really help with personality problems like this? I sometimes wonder if he’s just very resentful or has a deep issue he won’t discuss with me. Our friends and family think we are the perfect happy couple with a beautiful life together. I can’t talk to anyone about this, not even my best friends. I feel it’s awful to say anything negative about my marriage to anyone but a therapist.