The primary issue is his personality and he’s in dire need of counseling. Insist on it. He needs to get his physiological health under control so he can move forward.

You and DH need to be a team. DH needs to back you and stand up to his adult son. Rudeness is unacceptable at any age. Call him out on it every time. Insist that he contribute to the household (your husband needs to back you on this) with maintenance and regular chores. I would honestly cancel cable and even internet (though that hinders job search, I know) so there is no incentive to sit around at home.

I would suggest to try to be optimistic with him (even if you have to fake it) and show faith in him for now. That doesn’t mean enabling him but rather helping him sort through his life. He’s reached a very low point and probably has little self-esteem left. Clearly if he was an honors university student he has some abilities that he’s losing sight of. That’s why counseling is necessary to help him stop sabotaging the jobs he does get with his skills.

I would offer him 3 months under your roof to get a job and move out. Meanwhile he works odd jobs and contributes a third of meal budget. Whatever you put in writing is not enforcable, so don’t even bother. You have my sympathies.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said you were conflicted in your title, but then you said you’d never dream of kicking him out despite him being rude. What exactly are you conflicted about?

I'm not sure what boundaries to set up or exactly how to approach it. One family meal a day together? Required therapy? How long before he has to get a job? Help pay HH expenses or do certain chores? Put in writing or not? We will offer help with mental health counseling (VA services are sparse) and probably a loan to get an inexpensive used car.

He sounds like he needs mental health assistance OP. Just because he wasn't in combat doesn't mean he doesn't have problems. If he's always angry, can't hold down a job or keep friends, something is wrong. Maybe your dh could talk to him and offer to help pay for counseling to help him.

OP, you said you were conflicted in your title, but then you said you’d never dream of kicking him out despite him being rude. What exactly are you conflicted about?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you just see the parents who had to get the court to throw the 30 year old out.

The answer is no.

You may not move back home. We expect you to find
A job and find a roommate situation.

Construction. Trash truck. Whatever.

Do not let him move home. He will never leave. Never.

Do not make it your problem.

No no no.

He is family. He is moving home from overseas. I'm not going to tell him he can't come home. I am going to offer to help pay for some therapy and set up a written agreement with ground rules. Suggestions are welcome but I won't tell him he can't come home.

If he is military, Tricare will pay. If he got out, VA will pay.

I'm European. There are many young Europeans living with their parents due to the high cost of living in cities across Europe. My cousin does that, in between African assignments with Oxfam.

However this appears to be linked to his social emotional state, so there are definitely concerns about his well being and yours.

Has he always been socially challenged, OP, or is this something recent? If the former, he could have Asperger's or similar and be in need of therapy and social-skills-building exercises.

Whatever you suspect, he should definitely see a PSYCHOLOGIST first, to discuss all aspects of this, and see if this is diagnosable, and also treatable.

Good luck. I know it's hard. My husband has a nephew who struggles like this. We like him a lot, he is actually gifted but very depressed, and it's sad to see such potential wasting away.

You actually can tell him that he can’t move home. Agree to pay for a rented room on Craigslist for 6 months. That gives him half a year to find work. My former IL let my ex move back after I kicked him out. He didn’t move out for eight years.

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you just see the parents who had to get the court to throw the 30 year old out.

The answer is no.

You may not move back home. We expect you to find
A job and find a roommate situation.

Construction. Trash truck. Whatever.

Do not let him move home. He will never leave. Never.

Do not make it your problem.

No no no.

He is family. He is moving home from overseas. I'm not going to tell him he can't come home. I am going to offer to help pay for some therapy and set up a written agreement with ground rules. Suggestions are welcome but I won't tell him he can't come home.

Anonymous wrote:He is 29 years old. No PTSD. He served overseas but was not in any combat situations.

That doesn't mean he doesn't have depression or something else happened over there.

Didn’t you just see the parents who had to get the court to throw the 30 year old out.

The answer is no.

You may not move back home. We expect you to find
A job and find a roommate situation.

Construction. Trash truck. Whatever.

Do not let him move home. He will never leave. Never.

Do not make it your problem.

No no no.

He is 29 years old. No PTSD. He served overseas but was not in any combat situations.

Two words: Mental Health. Your son has a problem. If the recent spate of celebrity suicides hasn't perked your ears, perk them now.

How old is he? Is it possible that there's any PTSD from his military experience?

He has a college degree, with honors and is a veteran but has been unable to hold a job or develop lasting friendships. He's washed out of several jobs and after personality conflicts. He gets along with his dad OK but is rude to me and spends time at home holed up in his room. Frankly, having him here is sort of a black cloud as he always seems angry but we wouldn't dream of turning him away. Suggestions on how to deal with this?