Anonymous
06/01/2018 09:03
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:
It's sad that the culture of perceived microaggression has made asking someone where they are from a loaded question. I grew up understanding that this a basic conversation starter. SO much better than "what do you do?"
Agree with PP that asking if they grew up in the area is a reasonable alternative.
Well, sure, if you ask everybody, "Where are you from?" Do you do that? And what if OP's child's friend's mother answers, "Virginia"?
Anonymous
06/01/2018 09:02
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.
Wow.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:59
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in 4th grade and this year has gotten close to a friend who is non white/black/Hispanic. The girl speaks perfect English and I’m pretty sure was born here or came very young. The mother speaks with a slight accent. The girls have had a few play dates and are in the same class. My first guess is that someone in their family was originally from India, but I’m certainly no expert.
I’m curious to know what the family’s ethnicity is. (Is that even the right use of the word ethnicity?) The girl and her mother are very sweet and it just feels strange not to know this bit about them. I know not to ask “where are you from?” or anything like that. Is there a way I can ask to convey friendly curiosity? Normally, I might ask a new mom-friend “did you grow up in this area?” but I’m worried even that may be taken the wrong way.
It's sad that the culture of perceived microaggression has made asking someone where they are from a loaded question. I grew up understanding that this a basic conversation starter. SO much better than "what do you do?"
Agree with PP that asking if they grew up in the area is a reasonable alternative.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:59
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
OP, what is your ethnicity?
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:58
Subject: Re:Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
No, there isn't. Especially when your curiosity has no relevance.
It'd be different if you were in economic trade discussions and could bring up your British family's merchant history and then asked your companion about any family background doing the same.
This is just you being a snoop.
It'd be different if you were in economic trade discussions and could bring up your British family's merchant history and then asked your companion about any family background doing the same.
This is just you being a snoop.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:58
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Nope. No inoffensive way to ask. She may bring it up during the course of conversation if she is talking about growing up or her parents or whatever. If you actually get to know her and engage her in conversation, these things often come up naturally.
There are obviously many, many things you do not know about this person. Why does it feel so odd not to know this? Examine that because it's strange.
There are obviously many, many things you do not know about this person. Why does it feel so odd not to know this? Examine that because it's strange.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:58
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
I have an Eastern Europenan/Russian married surname that people are always asking me about. I never got asked this with my obviously British maiden name. People often ask what country my surname is from or try to guess. I think people are curious when they can't figure out an ethnicity.
Best friend is Vietnamese and I've asked her the same question. She gets a lot of "where is your family from?" or "where did your family originate?"
Also, this is sort of white guilt too. If someone had an Australian accent and was white, you'd have no trouble asking where they came from.
Best friend is Vietnamese and I've asked her the same question. She gets a lot of "where is your family from?" or "where did your family originate?"
Also, this is sort of white guilt too. If someone had an Australian accent and was white, you'd have no trouble asking where they came from.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:58
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:56
Subject: Re:Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
"Where is your accent from"? I ask this to people with obvious accents.
My DH has an accent. People ask him all the time. He doesn't find it offensive.
--signed an Asian American with no accent
My DH has an accent. People ask him all the time. He doesn't find it offensive.
--signed an Asian American with no accent
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:55
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
If they have an unsual name, you can ask "what a beautiful name. I've never heard it before - is there a story behind it?"
Otherwise, I wouldn't ask. Your curiosity isn't suffice enough for an interrogation about their non-American-ness.
Otherwise, I wouldn't ask. Your curiosity isn't suffice enough for an interrogation about their non-American-ness.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:54
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
It's fine to ask her if she grew up in this area, if you're discussing something where that's a relevant question.
But "You speak with an accent, where did you grow up?" I guess you can ask her that, but you shouldn't be surprised if she develops an unfavorable opinion of you for asking it.
But "You speak with an accent, where did you grow up?" I guess you can ask her that, but you shouldn't be surprised if she develops an unfavorable opinion of you for asking it.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:53
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Maybe ask if they have family nearby and see if she wants to elaborate. I wouldn’t push much.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:53
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Leave it alone. They aren’t asking about your ethnicity, right? If you’re white, they’re not asking whether your ancestors were Irish or Ukrainian or whatever?
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:51
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
Why? Will it make you feel differently about this person? Will it affect the way you interact with them? Does it have any bearing whatsoever on your life at all?
Honestly, unless she brings it up, don't ask. There's no way to ask without sounding like a jerk. I will never understand some people's need to categorize everyone they meet.
Honestly, unless she brings it up, don't ask. There's no way to ask without sounding like a jerk. I will never understand some people's need to categorize everyone they meet.
Anonymous
06/01/2018 08:47
Subject: Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?
My daughter is in 4th grade and this year has gotten close to a friend who is non white/black/Hispanic. The girl speaks perfect English and I’m pretty sure was born here or came very young. The mother speaks with a slight accent. The girls have had a few play dates and are in the same class. My first guess is that someone in their family was originally from India, but I’m certainly no expert.
I’m curious to know what the family’s ethnicity is. (Is that even the right use of the word ethnicity?) The girl and her mother are very sweet and it just feels strange not to know this bit about them. I know not to ask “where are you from?” or anything like that. Is there a way I can ask to convey friendly curiosity? Normally, I might ask a new mom-friend “did you grow up in this area?” but I’m worried even that may be taken the wrong way.
I’m curious to know what the family’s ethnicity is. (Is that even the right use of the word ethnicity?) The girl and her mother are very sweet and it just feels strange not to know this bit about them. I know not to ask “where are you from?” or anything like that. Is there a way I can ask to convey friendly curiosity? Normally, I might ask a new mom-friend “did you grow up in this area?” but I’m worried even that may be taken the wrong way.