Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:22
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
What happens if you let him bear the consequences?
"Hey, Jason, could you set up childcare for next week when the kids are off?"
Ask once. If he does nothing, he can stay home from work to care for the kids.
"Hey, Jason, could you set up childcare for next week when the kids are off?"
Ask once. If he does nothing, he can stay home from work to care for the kids.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:21
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
This has to be a troll poster intend on making wives look stupid. Please stop responding to this as if it were re.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:20
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
I'm 21:02 with the ADHD spouse.
There are always two kinds of people who respond to these posts - the ones who think nothing of doing all that planning, and the ones for whom it is a burden.
It depends on how good your executive functioning is, frankly. Mine isn't great, so being the general manager is not always easy, which breeds resentment since my spouse can do even less (I mean, nothing).
I've met people who would happily organize their family's lives as well as the entire org at work, the PTA, the swim team and the Scouts their kids are in, not to mention the their church group, book club and choir. I admire them from afar.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:16
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had luck getting their DH to take on more of the household tasks such as updating shopping lists, arranging camps for children, finding a pediatrician, planning a party or meals for the week -- things that require research and planning?
For those who do not know what I'm talking about, it's called women's invisible labor, and it's been widely discussed in the news media -- for example, http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/
When I discuss with DH, he gets defensive. He points out that he does more than most men, and he points out all the things he does, as if I'm attacking him. I just need him to take on a greater load of executive functioning tasks. I've bowed out of certain areas, and then nothing happens in those areas (and they are important tasks related to school, home maintenance, and our family relations.) We both work full-time, and I'm tired.
Has anyone found a good way to get a man to take on more of the mental workload required to run a home and a family? I am interested in very practical approaches. I am not asking my DH to do things perfectly. I'm OK with stepping back and letting him do things his way. I just can't continue to be the one who has to remember and delegate and remind. Thank you!
This is mental work? LoL! Making a grocery list and scheduling camps? Do you have a job for paid income? I'd like to know how you manage a real project I'd this is mental eork.
Can my DH claim mental work when he does a home improvement project because he spends a ton of time researching when he does that. How about when he plans the spring and fall gardens and tends to that? Another heavy mental load.
How do you know the dh is doing gardening projects? Maybe they don't even have a yard. Btw, OP specifically stated that she needs her dh to step up in the home maintenance department. So he probably isn't doing home improvement projects either.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:15
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?
Read up on the psychobabble, and you'd see that asking for help with a specific task is taking on the role of the executive manager, and it's a gigantic burden, much greater than being handed 2 forms to fill and asked to make a ped appt.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:11
Subject: Re:women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Make a list of all childcare and household tasks. Split the list in half. Each person is completely for their tasks from conception to execution. Some things are driven by necessity (i.e. work schedules) but we mostly gravitated to whatever tasks that we preferred doing.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:06
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
I’m not ready to let some of my stuff go, so I’m not going to have a conversation with him. The first step is getting me to care a little less about HOW it gets done. I realize my perfectionism plays a part in this. ...and other times it’s not perfectionism but CARING. I just don’t think he will ever care as much as I do.
In the meantime, I’ll continue the pattern of me delegating to him (but with me still retaining the mental load of asking him to begin with / following up).
Not ready yet
-NP
In the meantime, I’ll continue the pattern of me delegating to him (but with me still retaining the mental load of asking him to begin with / following up).
Not ready yet
-NP
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:03
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
i tried unsuccessfully to get DH to do some of these tasks, i tried to be hands off and not micromanage him, but what ended up happening was that he did not take care of any of the camp forms for the summer and we lost our spot in one of the camps. Some bills went unpaid, doctors appointments missed, homework and projects not completed. I ended up realizing that he is not going to be an equal partner in this regard, so I shifted more kid related tasks to him, like putting them to bed, driving them to school. I also started doing more things that relax me to de-stress. Yoga daily, massage weekly, etc
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:02
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
My husband has severe ADHD which he refuses to medicate.
He can't even find his keys in the morning.
Yes, I do all the mental work. I'd be happy to do so if only he could hold down a job.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:02
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:02
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had luck getting their DH to take on more of the household tasks such as updating shopping lists, arranging camps for children, finding a pediatrician, planning a party or meals for the week -- things that require research and planning?
For those who do not know what I'm talking about, it's called women's invisible labor, and it's been widely discussed in the news media -- for example, http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/
When I discuss with DH, he gets defensive. He points out that he does more than most men, and he points out all the things he does, as if I'm attacking him. I just need him to take on a greater load of executive functioning tasks. I've bowed out of certain areas, and then nothing happens in those areas (and they are important tasks related to school, home maintenance, and our family relations.) We both work full-time, and I'm tired.
Has anyone found a good way to get a man to take on more of the mental workload required to run a home and a family? I am interested in very practical approaches. I am not asking my DH to do things perfectly. I'm OK with stepping back and letting him do things his way. I just can't continue to be the one who has to remember and delegate and remind. Thank you!
Can each of you write a detailed list of all the home- and family-related tasks you accomplish in a year, set together a deadline to write it, and agree upon a time to sit together to read through them. Then look objectively whether the duties are fairly split?
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:01
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had luck getting their DH to take on more of the household tasks such as updating shopping lists, arranging camps for children, finding a pediatrician, planning a party or meals for the week -- things that require research and planning?
For those who do not know what I'm talking about, it's called women's invisible labor, and it's been widely discussed in the news media -- for example, http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/
When I discuss with DH, he gets defensive. He points out that he does more than most men, and he points out all the things he does, as if I'm attacking him. I just need him to take on a greater load of executive functioning tasks. I've bowed out of certain areas, and then nothing happens in those areas (and they are important tasks related to school, home maintenance, and our family relations.) We both work full-time, and I'm tired.
Has anyone found a good way to get a man to take on more of the mental workload required to run a home and a family? I am interested in very practical approaches. I am not asking my DH to do things perfectly. I'm OK with stepping back and letting him do things his way. I just can't continue to be the one who has to remember and delegate and remind. Thank you!
This is mental work? LoL! Making a grocery list and scheduling camps? Do you have a job for paid income? I'd like to know how you manage a real project I'd this is mental eork.
Can my DH claim mental work when he does a home improvement project because he spends a ton of time researching when he does that. How about when he plans the spring and fall gardens and tends to that? Another heavy mental load.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:01
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Anonymous wrote:Woman here, get a grip and sit down. Stop reading that mess and tend to your marriage. Picking out summer camps require executive function skills? Good lord, every person has had to do this since the beginng of public education. Maye he shares a greater load of other tasks, and to imply that his do not involve executive function skills is beyond offensive.
Be careful to not analyze yourself out of your marriage.
+1. Stop it with martyrdom.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 20:58
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Woman here, get a grip and sit down. Stop reading that mess and tend to your marriage. Picking out summer camps require executive function skills? Good lord, every person has had to do this since the beginng of public education. Maye he shares a greater load of other tasks, and to imply that his do not involve executive function skills is beyond offensive.
Be careful to not analyze yourself out of your marriage.
Be careful to not analyze yourself out of your marriage.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 20:52
Subject: women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?
Has anyone had luck getting their DH to take on more of the household tasks such as updating shopping lists, arranging camps for children, finding a pediatrician, planning a party or meals for the week -- things that require research and planning?
For those who do not know what I'm talking about, it's called women's invisible labor, and it's been widely discussed in the news media -- for example, http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/
When I discuss with DH, he gets defensive. He points out that he does more than most men, and he points out all the things he does, as if I'm attacking him. I just need him to take on a greater load of executive functioning tasks. I've bowed out of certain areas, and then nothing happens in those areas (and they are important tasks related to school, home maintenance, and our family relations.) We both work full-time, and I'm tired.
Has anyone found a good way to get a man to take on more of the mental workload required to run a home and a family? I am interested in very practical approaches. I am not asking my DH to do things perfectly. I'm OK with stepping back and letting him do things his way. I just can't continue to be the one who has to remember and delegate and remind. Thank you!
For those who do not know what I'm talking about, it's called women's invisible labor, and it's been widely discussed in the news media -- for example, http://time.com/money/4561314/women-work-home-gender-gap/
When I discuss with DH, he gets defensive. He points out that he does more than most men, and he points out all the things he does, as if I'm attacking him. I just need him to take on a greater load of executive functioning tasks. I've bowed out of certain areas, and then nothing happens in those areas (and they are important tasks related to school, home maintenance, and our family relations.) We both work full-time, and I'm tired.
Has anyone found a good way to get a man to take on more of the mental workload required to run a home and a family? I am interested in very practical approaches. I am not asking my DH to do things perfectly. I'm OK with stepping back and letting him do things his way. I just can't continue to be the one who has to remember and delegate and remind. Thank you!